Jokes

[Suzi]

Anyone who thinks that onions are the only vegetables that make you cry has never been hit in the face with a turnip.

Excellent Quote there String!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Overtones of Black Adder!! Looks exactly like a thingy!

[Celesta]

C.D. Yeah, I knew that one did. Just wasn't sure this was the same one.

String, I once had a dog who loved to play "turnip." My in-laws used to grow turnips and to the family dog, a little Cairn terrier, turnips made wonderful objects to play fetch with. Wonderful dog. We miss her.

[c.d.]

Hi Celesta,

That story made the national news.

c.d.

[String]

Anyone who thinks that onions are the only vegetables that make you cry has never been hit in the face with a turnip.

[Celesta]

C.D,

Why does this sound so familiar? I swear I must have heard about this.

[c.d.]

True story -- Recently an administrative law judge sued a Washington D.C. dry cleaner for losing a pair of his pants. He was asking for $54 million dollars in damages. I kid you not. The people that owned the cleaners spents thousands over a two year period defending themselves. The law suit was finally declared frivolous.

c.d.

[Celesta]

That's a great one, Celesta. I've heard it before.
We should add that the story happened, if it really did, in the USA.
But that's obvious somehow, isn't it?

Christian

Obvious, Christian! The nutty USA!

It's been around before. I hadn't seen it.

[Celesta]

Glad you enjoyed it. Mark, thanks. I had a feeling it was an urban legend, but it's fun, and we all wish it could be true! A lot of the fun is in sharing it!

[m_w_r]

Hi -

I know this is the Jokes thread, but I specialise in ruining perfectly good jokes for everybody else.

www.snopes.com/crime/clever/cigarson.asp

Apologies,

Mark

[Suzi]

Where else!!!!!!!! ???????? Good one Cel! xx

[chrisjd]

That's a great one, Celesta. I've heard it before.
We should add that the story happened, if it really did, in the USA.
But that's obvious somehow, isn't it?

Christian

[Celesta]

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued, and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated=2 0to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART.

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

[Stephen Thomas]

Woman: Father, I have sinned. Last night when my husband was away, his friend came round and I let him make love to me ten times.

Priest: You must go home and drink the juice of twenty lemons.

Woman: Will that absolve me?

Priest: No, but it will take that silly smile off your face.

[The Good Michael]

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

He used a knife that he found in his father and mother's hut to shave with. I think it was because of the pictures in the books that he learned to read. No one had beards in them, and he knew he wasn't like the great apes after he learned to read the books. Remember, I read all 24 Tarzan books back in the fifth grade and my memory may be a bit sketchy. I do remember much of the ape language in the back of the book as my friend and I would use it to irritate the teacher. Kreegah! Tarzan bundolo!

Mike

[The Good Michael]

A man gets a phone call that his wife has been involved in a horrible accident. He rushes down to the hospital where a doctor is waiting for him. "I've got some bad news for you." the doctor says. "Your wife will be completely dependent upon you now, I'm afraid. She is paralyzed from the waist down, and severely brain-damaged. You will have to feed her, clean her up, bathe her, and change her clothes. There will be many bathroom accidents that you'll have to attend to. She may not recognize the children anymore, so that will be trying for them. You will have to turn her over in bed several times a day to prevent bed sores, and you will have to massage her atrophied muscles in hops that she may use them again. It will be very difficult for you."

"My God!" the man said. "That's horrible! Is there any good news?"

"Yes," answered the doctor. "I was just messing with you. She's dead."