Jokes

[c.d.]

Two nuns are riding their bicycles down the backstreets of Rome. The one nun leans over and says "I've never come this way before." The other nun whispers back "it's the cobblestones."

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[c.d.]

A middle aged man goes to the doctor to get the results of his physical. The doctor tells him that all his tests are normal and that he is in pretty good shape for a man his age. He asks the doctor if it is possible to predict how long he will live. Can he possibly make it to 80? The doctor tells him that that is based on a number of factors. The doctor asks him:

Do you enjoy a fine cigar now and then? No says the man. Everybody knows that smoking is bad for you.

What about drinking? Do you like to go out with your friends and have a few beers. I don't drink he replies.

Well says the doctor do you like a thick steak now and then and some hamburgers on the grill? No, I avoid red meat, the man replies.

What about a sunny day, the doctor asks. Do you go out on a boat, play golf or go fishing. No, I try to avoid being out in the sun, says the man. replies.

Well what about sex the doctor asks? Do you like having sex with a number of different women? No, says the man, I don't do any of those things.

The doctor looks at him and says well then why do you even give a sh*t.

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[protohistorian]

A well to do couple is looking at their most recent financial statement. "Wow, we have really lost a lot of money in the market" says the husband. "We are going to have to start cutting back." He turns to his wife and says "if you'd get your lazy ass in the kitchen every now and then we could let the cook go." She says "yeah, and if you learned how to f*** we could get rid of the gardener."

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[c.d.]

A well to do couple is looking at their most recent financial statement. "Wow, we have really lost a lot of money in the market" says the husband. "We are going to have to start cutting back." He turns to his wife and says "if you'd get your lazy ass in the kitchen every now and then we could let the cook go." She says "yeah, and if you learned how to f*** we could get rid of the gardener."

c.d.

[protohistorian]

A woman finds out that her 95 year old grandfather has just died so she goes to her grandmother's house to console her. "How did grandpa die, she asks her grandmother?" "God bless him", says the grandmother, "he died on Sunday morning as we were making love." Appalled at the dangers involved in two 95 year old people having sex, the woman says "grandma maybe that wasn't such a good idea." "Don't be silly, dear" says the grandmother. "Your grandfather and I have been having sex every Sunday morning for years. We wait till we hear the sound of the church bells before we start. The bells provided the perfect rythm for us, not too fast not too slow. In fact, we had it down to a science. In on the ding, out on the dong." Wiping away a tear she says "your grandfather would still be alive if it hadn't been for that ice cream truck."

c.d.

What is the filthiest thing you can say when ordering from victoria's secret? Does this come in childrens sizes.

[Suzi]

and...... don't forget Captain James T Kirk also suffered the same affliction- A left ear, a right ear and Space the Final Front Ear!!

[caz]

Just to rub salt in Van Gogh's wound, Davy Crockett had three ears - a left ear, a right ear and a wild front ear.

-----------------------------------

So anyway, my friend went down the clinic the other week about a "woman's" complaint. Stripped from the waist down, she popped herself up onto the examination couch, described her symptoms and asked for some advice.

"Hmmm, I can see what you mean", came the reply. "It does look rather angry and inflamed. My advice is to show it to the doctor. I've got to get this sink unblocked by the time she gets here."

[c.d.]

A man is driving down the street when he sees a big sign in front of a restaurant that says order any kind of sandwich and we'll have it. So he stops his car, walks into the restaurant and gets a table. The waitress comes up to get his order. He looks her right in the eye and says "bring me an elephant ear sandwich." She says "I'm sorry sir but I can't do that." He says "wait a minute, you've got a big sign out front saying order any kind of sandwich and you'll have it. Are you telling me you don't have elephant ear sandwiches?" She says "Oh, we've got the elephant ears, we're just out of the big buns.

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[Ophelia]

Chap walks into a pub and sees Vincent Van Gogh sitting at the bar, looking glum and nursing a drink. The newcomer walks over to him and says 'Hello, Vincent. You look rather unhappy. Can I buy you a pint? Van Gogh looks up, sighs heavily and, indicating his drink, replies 'No thanks, I've got one ear'

[c.d.]

A woman finds out that her 95 year old grandfather has just died so she goes to her grandmother's house to console her. "How did grandpa die, she asks her grandmother?" "God bless him", says the grandmother, "he died on Sunday morning as we were making love." Appalled at the dangers involved in two 95 year old people having sex, the woman says "grandma maybe that wasn't such a good idea." "Don't be silly, dear" says the grandmother. "Your grandfather and I have been having sex every Sunday morning for years. We wait till we hear the sound of the church bells before we start. The bells provided the perfect rythm for us, not too fast not too slow. In fact, we had it down to a science. In on the ding, out on the dong." Wiping away a tear she says "your grandfather would still be alive if it hadn't been for that ice cream truck."

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[Suzi]

This isn't a joke either - but I went with a chum to see said Billy Graham at about the same time in Southampton and we were somewhat alarmed to notice that once 'The man' started to speak - on screen live from London I seem to remember a LARGE burly heavy materialised at the ends of all rows-to prevent anyone (with any sense!) leaving!!
Scary stuff- the heavies were too!!

That joke always makes me giggle- when I heard it it was B-bb-b-illy who did the f-f-f-f-f-alling over !!

Suz x

[caz]

This isn't a joke. Well actually I suppose it is a bit of a joke.

In the late 60s/early 70s I went to the Royal Albert Hall to see Billy Graham, Cliff Richard and Black Sabbath (not all at the same time).

Two were crap, the other superb.

I'll leave you to guess...

Have a great weekend all.

Love,

Caz
X

[richardnunweek]

Hi,
Imagine a Billy Graham convention in the sixties, at wembley stadium, he gives a talk on salvation for around half an hour, then turns his attention to the power of prayer.
Is there anyone in the audience that needs the power of the lord, is there any one that needs a miracle?
One young man in the front raises his hand,
What is your name son ? asks Billy.
The young man replies in a stuttering voice... My.....name is ...lesley.. and ...i have always stuttered........bad..ly.
Leslie come up on to the stage and please go behind the screen.
Billy then turns his attention to a man also near the front of the stage, who has two crutches for support.
My friend says Billy, is that a result of a accident?
No sir; comes the reply,, i have never been able to walk without crutches.
He turns to two of his helpers, ' Guys would you please help this young ,man, what is your name sir.?
Frank comes the reply.
Would you please take him behind the screen and join leslie.
Billy then addesses the audience.
My friends.
We have two poor souls behind that screen . leslie with a speech afliction, and frank who cannot walk, lets us pray to the lord that these two young men can be cured.
The lights dim , and the audience grow quiet in prayer.
Billy raises his hands and shouts out.
Frank throw over your crutches...
Both crutches fly over the screen.
Leslie says Billy. say something.
Fr.....an..ks f a...ll.en over..... comes the reply.
Regards Richard.

[John Bennett]

Here's a perfect joke that ticks all the boxes

(but you have to be of a certain age to understand it)

A man goes into a barbershop and asks for a Tony Curtis haircut.

The barber shaves the man's head as smooth as a pool ball.

The man says 'Don't you know who Tony Curtis is?

The barber says 'Sure I do, I saw 'The King And I' ten times.

Good call, this. It's one of my Dad's favourites. I grew up with it!

[c.d.]

An old man and his wife go to the doctor for their annual physicals. When they are done the doctor tells them both that they are in good health and asks if there is anything that they would like to discuss with him. The old man says "well it is the strangest thing. After the first time that I have sex with my wife I get chills and feel really cold. But after the second time I have sex with my wife I feel all hot and sweaty." That is strange says the doctor. He turns to the wife and says "do you know of anything that could explain this?" Sure says the wife "the old fart makes love to me in January and then not again until August."

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