Jokes

[caz]

A man goes into a barbershop and asks for a shave. He is invited to take a chair and make himself comfy.

The barber begins shaving the man but keeps nicking him and having to apologise. The man gets increasingly annoyed as yet another plaster is applied to his bleeding face.

He turns to the man waiting in the chair next to him, who only has one arm, and asks: "Have you been here before?" to which the man replies: "No, I lost it in the war".

[Divakind]

My cousin sent me this the other day:
I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and, of course, I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend said, "The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."

The mistress said, "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."

Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"

[Rob Clack]

Irishman walks into a pub with a lump of $hit in his hand and he says:

"Jesus I'm so lucky, I nearly stepped in this".

[Stephen Thomas]

Here's a perfect joke that ticks all the boxes

(but you have to be of a certain age to understand it)

A man goes into a barbershop and asks for a Tony Curtis haircut.

The barber shaves the man's head as smooth as a pool ball.

The man says 'Don't you know who Tony Curtis is?

The barber says 'Sure I do, I saw 'The King And I' ten times.

[Robert]

Ah, it was a great show. Once, he was moaning that no one had better leave an old mattress in his skip, like they do in everyone else's. Then we see him coming along the road and he looks up to see a CAR in his skip. And when he opens the car door...there's an old mattress stuffed inside.

"I don't beleeeeeve it!"

[caz]

Hi Robert, Suzi,

I also like the one where Victor is plagued by fire engines arriving at the house and he wonders who on earth could be making all the hoax 999 calls.

Margaret asks "Shall I run up a short-list of 100 names?"

Heeeeeeeeeeeee

And how could I forget the superb One Foot in the Algarve, with the late, great, incredibly brilliant and devastatingly attractive Peter Cook? Not to mention the donkey attracted by Victor's aftershave...

Love,

Caz
X

[Suzi]

Still Victor buried up to his neck after offending the builders does it for me!!--

------Aaaaagh got builders coming in on Tues next........ah! must get the cap out! xxx

[Robert]

One of my favourite moments was when a woman advertised her late husband's shoes. When Victor called round he found the husband in the armchair, only just died, still wearing the shoes.

[caz]

"Oh for Git's sock, Victor!"

Hi Suzi,

One of my favourite bits was where Margaret was sympathising with a tearful Mrs Warboys over the death of her husband and there's Victor with his headphones on, eating crisps and listening to some radio comedy and bursting out laughing at the most inappropriate points during the women's conversation.

Incidentally I'm sure I saw Angus Deayton today in town. Should have asked him if he'd had any huge crabs disappearing up his shorts lately and clawing at his underpants.

Love,

Caz
X

[Robert]

One Fut in the Groove is a very fanny shoo. I never witched the Golden Ghouls.

[Suzi]

Heeeeeeeeeeeee Good Moaning all*

I adore 'Allo 'Allo- heeeeeeeeeee bit of a bugger to find it- even on Sky various these days------ Miss The Golden Girls too!....Mind you One Foot in The Grave every night on g.o.l.d. - which used to be GOLD (wonder why the punctuation came into use!)- is unmissable and hubby doesn't get the ' er similarity!!.... ......He doesn't believe it..................Ooooooooh Victor!

*I've got a chum who knows Arthur Bostrom......'awwwwwwww

[Robert]

You will all be shot.

Herr Flick

[caz]

Good Moaning Graham,

Leesten very carefully - I will say zis only once.

Hubby enjoyed the bit where Madame Edith recalled her days at the rowing club, where she was known as one of ze "Nouvion Oars".

Almost as chuckleworthy as René and his twin brother being known as ze "Nancy Boys".

Love,

Caz
X

[Graham]

Normally I'd post only my own jokes here, but on Sunday, in an otherwise indifferent episode of "Allo, Allo!" (which I love) was this gem:

British submarine about to surface in the estuary of the river at Nouvion.

First British Submarine Officer: "Have you got anything on your Asdic?"

Second British Submarine Officer: "No, it cleared up last week, thank goodness".

My wife failed to understand why I found this funny.

Cheers,

Graham

[String]

Yes it does sound very Blackadderesk.