Jokes

[c.d.]

A foursome of male golfers is on the golf course stuck behind a foursome of women golfers who are not only terrible but slow as molasses. They stand there waiting for the ladies to tee off. Finally the last woman steps up to the tee, takes numerous practice swings, steps up to the ball and misses completely. Again she takes a number of of practice swings, steps up to the ball and misses completely. She finally hits the ball and it goes about ten yards. With a sheepish grin she turns toward the men and says "I guess all those f***ing lessons I took were a waste of money." "Well there's your problem lady", one of the men replies, "you should have taken golf lessons."

c.d.

[babybird67]

these courtesy of QI repeat

what's orange and sounds like a parrot?





a carrot.




what's red and stupid?









a blood clot





what's red and sits in the corner?







a naughty strawberry




i love jokes like that, that make no sense or have a funny twisty thing about them lol

[DVV]

Ok, ther's a rabbit in the jungle.
He is running.
Then he meets a giraffe and stops.
The giraffe is smoking a nice high-grade joint.

"Oh no!" the rabbit says "what are you doing, my giraffe?! Ain't good! Why don't you go and run with me, to get fresh air?"

The giraffe follows the rabbit. They meet a rhinoceros, sniffing cocaine.

"Oh no! my rhino!" says the rabbit, " sniffing is too bad! Better go with us and run in the jungle!"

The rhinoceros follows them. They meet an elephant using heroin.

"Oh no!" the rabbit says, " bad stuff! leave it and run with us!"

The elephant follows them. Then, a lion.
The rabbit is about to talk to him but with one blow, the lion kills the rabbit.

"Oh!" exclaim the giraffe, the rhino and the elephant, "what have you done to this pretty rabbit???"

"Pretty rabbit?" the lion says, "Always boring when he takes an ecstasy!"

[Limehouse]

Wouldn't that be a brown stick baby?

It's like the joke what's pink and fluffy?

Pink fluff.



I was worried I might have pig flu because I ached all over and came out in a rasher. I phone NHS Direct but all I got on the line was crackling. The chemist recommended some oinkment for my rash.

[babybird67]

a silly one but always gives me a little giggle

what's brown and sticky?


















A stick.

[halomanuk]

My turn :

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.'" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, Hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks
with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young
man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[Celesta]

Okay, here's one right out of Reader's Digest, May 2009, p. 192.

"The knit cap my friend sent me from England was a bit small. But it was lovely, so I wore it to church that Sunday. Afterward, I e-mailed her to say how nice it looked on me. She shot me back a note saying how glad she was. "Especially," she wrote, "since it's a tea cozy."

[c.d.]

A woman is married to her childhood sweetheart. They have a happy marriage and she gives him 10 children. He dies from cancer. She is overcome by grief but marries again in two years. She and her second husband have eight kids. He is killed in a car accident. She waits a few more years, marries again and has 7 kids with her third husband. Finally in old age she passes away having put 25 children into the world. At her funeral the minister is eulogozing her. He says" thank the Lord she is now at peace and they are finally together." Two old ladies are standing at the coffin. One turns to the other and says "when the minister said thank the Lord the two of them are finally together do you think he meant her first husband, her second husband or her third husband?" The other old lady says "I think he was talking about her legs."

c.d.

Mice

2 mice are in the airing cupboard.

How do you tell which one's in the Army?

Easy - it's the one on the Tank...


What did one wall say to the other?

'I'll meet you at the corner!' (Sorry...)

[caz]

What might Tom call a lesbian dinosaur if he believed the world was really that old?

A lickalottapus.

[caz]

No Tom, they didn't misunderstand. I've been reliably informed that they thought you were a twat who didn't know the time of day.

What do you call an intelligent blonde?

A Labrador.

Everyone else in the civilised world calls her an intelligent blonde.

[Tom_Wescott]

Have you heard about the new brand of paint called Blondie? It's not too bright, but it spreads easily.

The lesbians next door came over and gave me a new watch for my birthday. That was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood when I said 'I wanna watch'.

Yours truly,

Tom Wescott

[c.d.]

An Irishman goes into a pub and orders up a pint. Before he can take a sip, he stops, looks around and says "it really stinks in here. I think the drains are backed up." "Can't be, says the bartender. We don't have any drains."

c.d.

[caz]

Oddly enough my hubby, who is not Irish but might as well be, has a head the size of a tennis ball thanks to a foxy female genie he met on the same beach.

She asked him what he wished for and he said: "I'd like a little head please".

[c.d.]

An Irishman was walking along the beach when he came upon a magic lamp that had washed ashore. He picked it up and rubbed it. Suddenly a genie appeared and told the Irishman that he would grant him three wishes. The Irishman said "I've been walking all day and it is pretty hot out. I wish I had a cold mug of Guiness." A flash of lightning and a puff of smoke ensue and a mug of Guiness appears in his hand. He immediately drinks it down. To his great surprise, the mug immediately refills. The genie tells him "that is a magical mug, it will never go dry." The genie then asks what his next wishes will be. The Irishman says "hell, give me two more of these."

c.d.