Jokes

[protohistorian]

absolutely fabulous! Dave

[Rubyretro]

*A man** escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.*

*He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young** couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...Do whatever he tells you.
*
*Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'*

*His wife** responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.* *He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong. I love you, too.'*

[protohistorian]

so this nun in a habit comes out of this building and starts walking down the sidewalk. A thug comes from behind knocks her down and begins hitting and kicking her. This continues for several minutes until the thug looks down on the crumpled heap of nun and says," your not so tough batman!" Dave

[protohistorian]

Not sure what you mean Celesta. I was implying the normal wearers of bras and I rarely get the the stage where I could walk into it. Dave

[Celesta]

Right vs left, Dave? Maybe?

[protohistorian]

and I cannot get dyslexic to save my life! What a sham! Dave

[joelhall]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

[Celesta]

You guys are on a role. Thanks for reviving the thread!

[Abby Normal]

This is a true story:

When my friend Truff and I were in college in the 80's drinking late one night at the local dive, Mike, my friend's "little brother" (a fraternity pledge assigned to him as his charge to help through the pledging process and take under his wing) came into the bar looking kind of agitated and distressed.

"Truff" he said nervously, "I have done to much blow (cocaine) and i am freaking out. I need your help-What should I do?"

"Your big bro Truff is going to take care of you" Truf said, suddenly getting very serious. "listen to me and I will get you through this, OK?"

Yes, nodded Mike, expectantly.

"OK, first of all", said Truff, putting his hands on his shoulders and looking him sincerely in the eye, "have you got any more?"

[protohistorian]

Husband: How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?

Wife: You told me never to phone you when you're at work.

That is just too damn funny!! Dave

[Phil Carter]

c.d.

A man says to his wife he wants a divorce. She is shocked by this news. She says "I've cleaned and scrubbed, washed clothes, cooked countless meals , and waited patiently for when I have the pleasure of seeing see you.. why? Why a divorce?"

The man says "your prison sentence says "no parole"..thats why"

best wishes

Phil

[c.d.]

A wife tells her husband that she wants a divorce. He is shocked by the news. He says "you can't mean it. I've climbed mountains for you. I've swam raging rivers for you. I've crossed burning deserts for you. Why do you want a divorce?"

The wife says "you're never home."

c.d.

[Stephen Thomas]

Husband: How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?

Wife: You told me never to phone you when you're at work.

[ChainzCooper]

Theres a bird called a Roadrunner out on a desert road who usually kills rattlesnakes but on this one day he decided to have some fun and he attacked a lark. And the lark got away singing merrily 'I'm a lark and I've been sparked'. So the Roadrunner went on down the road further and he found a dove and jumped at the dove. And the dove flew away happily singing 'I'm a dove and I've been loved'. So then the Roadrunner went down the road even further and found this duck walking by...........And after a lot of commotion and feathers flying everywhere he said 'I'm a drake and theres been a mistake'
haha
Jordan

[ChainzCooper]

I like Jim Jeffries but I think hes Austrailian. But as far as English comedians I like Ricky Gervais, his recent HBO special was great. I like Dave Attell, Redd Foxx, Bobcat Goldthwait, Louis C.K.,Rich Vos, Jim Norton, Anjela Johnson (Smoooooooooookin' hot she was actually an Oakland Raiderette before she was on Mad TV), Sam Kinison. I get emotional just thinking about Kinison, its sucks so hard that he died like he did. He was such a genius and had so much left to say. Well, I guess I may just toss my Fugg It! CD in. That'll make me feel better
Jordan