Jokes

[Graham]

I posted this on the old threads, but worth a reprise:

Paddy joins the Foreign Legion. After six months in the remotest Sahara he feels the need for a woman. He goes to his sergeant and says, "Oi, what do yez do fer sex around here?"

The sergeant says, "Ah, cher ami, zis ees zee Sahara. Zere are no wimmin for two sousand kilometres in any, ow you say, direction".

"Ah, Jaysus!" Paddy says. "Den it's playing wid meself fer the next twenty years".

"Not necessairrrrely", says the Sergeant. "Maybe we 'ave no wimmin, but we do 'ave camels. Only Ah weel say zees: eef you fahncy ze camel, zen take wiz you ze box, for ze female camel's, ow you say, pudenda, eet is vaire high off ze ground".

You don't need me to tell you that Paddy finds a box and sets off into the desert. He finds a camel and determines that it is female. So he sets the box behind the camel, hops on, and is about to....you know what....when the camel walks off. Paddy chases it, the camel stops, Paddy sets down the box, gets on it, and the camel walks off. This, because eet eez, ow you say, zer joke, is repeated ad infinitum. Towards sunset, Paddy is knackered. He determines to have one last try, gets up on the box and....out of the setting sun comes a cloud of dust. Out of the cloud of dust comes a jeep. Out of the jeep steps a gorgeous pouting busty bikini-clad blonde.

"Ah God! Tank the Lord!" Paddy shouts, hugely relieved at the sight of this bronzed beauty.

"Hey, missus! Come here and hold dis feckin' camel still for us, will yez?"

[Tom_Wescott]

‘Gave him one’ is UK colloquium for having sex

Thanks, Steve. I didn't know that which is why I didn't get the joke.

Yours truly,

Tom Wescott

[Steve]

I honestly don't get this joke. I'm probably too dense.

Yours truly,

Tom Wescott

Tom,

‘Double Entendre’ – dual meaning, large drink or joke with two interpretations, one usually clean, the second usually not-so clean

‘She gave him one’ – dual meaning, the barmaid supplied him with a drink, or she had sex with him

‘Gave him one’ is UK colloquium for having sex

Just thought you should know

KR
Steve

[Steve]

What do you call an Irishman in a three-piece suit?

Defendant.

Yours truly,

Tom Wescott

Sorry Tom

The joke is actually 'what do you call a Liverpudlian in a suit? Anser, The Defendant.'

Just thought you should know!

KR
Steve

[Tom_Wescott]

A bloke walks into a pub and asks the barmaid for a double entendre, so she gave him one..

Angie

I honestly don't get this joke. I'm probably too dense.

Yours truly,

Tom Wescott

[Tom_Wescott]

What do you call an Irishman in a three-piece suit?

Defendant.

Yours truly,

Tom Wescott

[apricot]

A bloke walks into a pub and asks the barmaid for a double entendre, so she gave him one..

Angie

[revpetero]

I heard a knock at the door this morning and was confronted by two women spreading news on the benefit of brown bread.

Damn those bloody hovis witnesses

[Suzi]

Toooooooooooooooo much information!!

[plang]

Got me foreskin caught in me zipper again this morning. OUCH!!!

[Suzi]

Hi all
A colleague at work who's a great cartoonist has come up with these brand name wonders!!!! Love 'em!!!









Suz x

[plang]

oh allright, here it is, re: the funniest joke in history:

Q: Why did the submarine turn red?

A: Because it saw Queen Elizabeth's bottom.

[revpetero]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, ' You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.

Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.'

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,

'Shoite, Shoite!'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to
The door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'.

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed.'

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'.

Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned... You left your wheelchair at the pub!'

[Celesta]

Baptizing A Drunk

Baptizing A Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,




'Are you sure this is where he fell in? ? ?'

[Limehouse]

Knock, knock

(who's there?)

Dinner

(Dinner who?)

Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner BATMAN!