Jokes

[DVV]

Henri-Désiré Landru

" If the women I've known have anything to blame me, why don't they file a complaint?"
Landru (at his trial, of course!)

[Blackkat]

When you have a ' I Hate My Job' day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your WALGREENS and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.'

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

[Celesta]

Good one, BK!

[The Grave Maurice]

It's the beginning of a lovely summer weekend and time for silliness.

When JtR was just a lad, he was Jack the Nipper.
If JtR left a gratuity, he'd be Jack the Tipper.
If JtR enjoyed a fine French wine, he'd be Jack the Sipper.
If JtR were a fish, he'd be Jack the Kipper.

Over to you .....

[Blackkat]

If JtR would have been a nympho he would have been known as

Jack the Zipper

[cats meat man]

I went to see my local Doctor yesterday and told him that I thought I was a moth as I keep jumping out of cupboards and chewing curtains.He told me to see a pyschiatrist as it wasn't his area of work.I only went in the first place cos I noticed his light was on as I was passing!

[Celesta]

If JTR had a shoe fetish, he'd be Jack the Slipper.
If JTR ran an ice cream store, he'd be Jack the Dipper. Would that make him Neil Cream?

[Blackkat]

Oh goawwd Neil Cream. LOL That was good, but oh so bad. LOL

If Jack worked at a ladies club he's be Jack the Stripper

[caz]

One for the ladies:

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

Ok, a couple for the men:

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake.

-----------------------------------

A woman is lying in bed and her husband walks in with a sheep. "This is my pig", he says. "I sleep with it whenever you have a headache."

"That's not a pig, you idiot", says his wife. "It's a sheep."

"I was talking to the sheep!"

[Celesta]

Two Women In Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Helen. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[cats meat man]

Hi Celesta
I reckon she gave her the cold shoulder after that!
A mate of mine got severe frost bite trying to fix the light bulb in his fridge freezer.Everytime I closed the door on him I could hear him swear and shout that it had gone again!When I eventually told him that it was supposed to happen,I thought he would be mad with me,but I was surprised at how cool he was about it.
All the best
Rob

[Celesta]

Hi Celesta
I reckon she gave her the cold shoulder after that!
A mate of mine got severe frost bite trying to fix the light bulb in his fridge freezer.Everytime I closed the door on him I could hear him swear and shout that it had gone again!When I eventually told him that it was supposed to happen,I thought he would be mad with me,but I was surprised at how cool he was about it.
All the best
Rob

Yeah, I guess she did! Oh, Rob, that's so funny. I'll bet you always got a really cool reception from him after that and it took icy resolve to continue the friendship!

Good one! Thanks for the laugh! It's the second good one I've had today, one from Sam and one from you. My husband is going to really start to wonder what is so funny about this Jack the Ripper business.

Best,

Cel

[JackTheRippa5]

Why was "jack the rippers" rugby team playing so bad?



They were missing a hooker

i thorght this one was rather topical

[ClarkesYard]

Why was "jack the rippers" rugby team playing so bad?



They were missing a hooker

i thorght this one was rather topical

[Blackkat]

OMG!!! HAHAHHAA

ahh I needed that today. That was a great joke!

Caz: I'm loving the wedding cake one too. Then again, men, beer guts, yes that one certainly is true!

Two Women In Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Helen. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.