Jokes

[Suzi]

AND the other totally daft one that makes me is...

A Horse walks into a bar and asks for a large whisky-

The Barman says..Why the long face?

Probably says more about me but they tickle me ...in a totally daft way!

[Steve]

Hi Suzi

For a minute I thought you were going to tell the one about the white horse walking into a bar and asking for a large scotch. The barman says 'we have a whisky named after you, would you like a double?' And the horse tells him, 'OK, I'll have a large Eric, please.'

I'm just glad that you didn't tell that joke, 'cos it's terrible!

KR
Steve

[Graham]

Man comes home from work.
His wife is in the lounge. She says, "Notice anything different about me tonight?"
Man says, "New dress?"
Wife says, "No".
Man says, "New hair-do?"
Wife says, "No".
Man says, "New shoes?"
Wife says, "No".
Man says, "I give up".
Wife says, "I'm wearing a gas-mask".

Tommy Cooper lives on!

Graham

[Steve]

Old Chestnuts from the Old Thread ....

George Bush had a heart attack and died. Inevitably, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

‘I'm not sure what to do,' says the devil. 'You're on my list but I have no spare room available for you, so I'm going to have to let someone go from one of the rooms. I've got three other famous Americans here who weren't quite as bad as you, if I let one of them go you can take their place.

The devil opened the door to the first room. There was Richard Nixon and a swimming pool. He kept diving in to the cold water from a high diving board, then climbing out again and again, over and over. Such was his miserable fate in hell.

'No!' George said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the second room. In it was Ronald Reagan with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time, smashing the rocks. Another miserable fate in hell.

'No!' I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day', said George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on his back on the floor with his arms pinned above his head, and his legs tied together. There was a girl bent over him administering oral sex.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief, rubbed his hands together and finally said, 'Yeah, I can handle this. I choose this room.'

The devil smiled at him, turned to Bill Clinton and said 'OK, Monica, you're free to go!

[Steve]

Another From the Old Thread ....

The 1st Joke:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Joke:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

The 3rd Joke:

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

The 4th Joke:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "Stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, "Have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Joke:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Joke:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

[Steve]

Last One, Promise!

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns!!

Question:

Dear Adam

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Yours Sincerely,
Mrs Mary White

Answer:

Dear Mary

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Adam

[plang]

Dear Mary,
It could also be a faulty computerized detection system, which will shut down the engine to protect it until the 'problem' is diagnosed on an authorized dealers scope.

[Suzi]

He he Plang some good ones there...strangely they all have the same sort of 'story line' heeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[c.d.]

Why does an OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?

c.d.

[Steve]

Apologies if ....

..... I have already posted this on the new thread ....

[Steve]

Another ....

..... from the archives.

[Steve]

And ...

.... another

[Steve]

Last one ...

.... for now!

[gizmo]

Scottish Version

---- of the Rolling Stones hit," Hey, hey,you,you, get off of my Cloud "
-- " Hey,hey,you MacLleod, get off of my ewe."

[Steve]

Tommy Cooper Jokes - absolute classics!



I went to see a friend with her new baby last night, she asked me if I

wanted to wind it.
I thought that was a bit harsh, so I just gave it a Dead-Leg

*****

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

*****

Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

*****

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

*****

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'

*****

'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'
'Well you can't say fairer than that then'

*****

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

*****

So I went to the dentist.
He said 'Say Aaah.'
I said 'Why?'
He said 'My dog's died.'

*****

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'

*****

So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

*****

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

*****

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

*****

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said
'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'

*****

Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me, 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

*****

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

*****

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
'Does this taste funny to you?'

*****

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and

the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

*****

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.

*****

A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

*****

A man walked into the doctors, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'

*****

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

*****

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

*****

I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

*****

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

*****

Phone answering machine message -
'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'

*****

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

*****
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.

*****
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

*****
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

*****

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

*****

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with

hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

*****

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'
The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!'

*****

Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small

two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night