Jokes

[Blackkat]

Santa Hates Your Kid

8. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"

7. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes

6. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.

5. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing.

4. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.

3. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the stupid list

2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."

1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

[Blackkat]

Italian Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.
Christmas Santa
When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"

When what to my
Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer!

Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!

Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.

"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me 'side da head.

"What da heck you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"

Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'.

Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"

[Stephen Thomas]

Apologies to non-Brits who probably won't get this.

Essex Girl (Brit)= Blonde (US)

An Essex girl is in a car crash and phones the emergency services to say that she has been in a crash and is bleeding profusely.

The ambulance arrives....

Medic: What's your name, Miss?
Girl: Tracey
Medic: OK Tracey, where are you bleeding from?
Girl: Romford.

[Graham]

Sir Cliff Richard playing a big concert in Tokyo. Between numbers he becomes aware that a large part of the massive audience is chanting "Tits and Fanny! Tits and Fanny!" So he goes to the mike.

"Hey!", says Cliff. "You know something, what you guys are chanting is a bit offensive to a committed Christian like me. Less of it, please!"

The audience still chants, "Tits and Fanny! Tits and Fanny!"

Cliff says, "Yeah, hey, great. Can we cool it?"

The Japanese MC can see what's happening. He goes up to Cliff and he says, "No, prease, you no understand. They want you to sing big hit!"

"Huh?" says Sir Cliff. "Big hit? What big hit, hey?"

"Yeh, you know the one: Tits and Fanny that we don't talk any more...."

Graham.

[caz]

I bet that was the moment when Sir Cliff wished he could slip back into the shadows...

Love,

Caz
X

[caz]

Hubby has bought me a brand new bag for Chrismas.

He says I will now have no excuse not to take the vacuum cleaner round.

Love,

Caz
X

[Graham]

I bet that was the moment when Sir Cliff wished he could slip back into the shadows...

Love,

Caz
X

Any one of them in particular?

Graham

[Carrotty Nell]

Mick and Eamonn are on their way home from a night out and discover they haven't enough money left between them for a taxi or a bus fare. Just as they are staggering past the bus depot they discover that someone has accidentally left the door of the depot building open and all the buses are there for the taking. "Let's take a bus to get home Mick!" "Good idea Eamonn!"

Mick goes into the depot building but half an hour later he hasn't emerged. Losing patience Eamonn looks to see what has become of him. Mick is going up and down the rows of parked buses looking very frustrated. "Oi can't find a number 217!" he moans.

"No problem!" replies Eamonn. "Just take a number 25 and we'll walk from the roundabout."

[caz]

Any one of them in particular?

Graham

I couldn't possibly comment.

Love,

Caz
X

[caz]

Hi All,

I don't know if any of these are real signs, but they made me chuckle:

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

In India:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS
IMPASSABLE.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

At a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE
CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT
PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND
SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Love,

Caz &
XXX

[Blackkat]

Just a Holiday funny:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJdM5jWVS-g

[jimornot?]

Paddy’s pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant; frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins!..... A boy and a girl.
The babies are fine now, however they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately - your brother came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus no, not me brother...he's a fecking, clueless, gobshite!"

Expecting the worst,she asks the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"

"Denise," says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved "Wow, that'sa beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother....I like Denise."

Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew"

[jimornot?]

WHY OH WHY

Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialised?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologises for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

[The Good Michael]

A man gets a phone call that his wife has been involved in a horrible accident. He rushes down to the hospital where a doctor is waiting for him. "I've got some bad news for you." the doctor says. "Your wife will be completely dependent upon you now, I'm afraid. She is paralyzed from the waist down, and severely brain-damaged. You will have to feed her, clean her up, bathe her, and change her clothes. There will be many bathroom accidents that you'll have to attend to. She may not recognize the children anymore, so that will be trying for them. You will have to turn her over in bed several times a day to prevent bed sores, and you will have to massage her atrophied muscles in hops that she may use them again. It will be very difficult for you."

"My God!" the man said. "That's horrible! Is there any good news?"

"Yes," answered the doctor. "I was just messing with you. She's dead."

[The Good Michael]

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

He used a knife that he found in his father and mother's hut to shave with. I think it was because of the pictures in the books that he learned to read. No one had beards in them, and he knew he wasn't like the great apes after he learned to read the books. Remember, I read all 24 Tarzan books back in the fifth grade and my memory may be a bit sketchy. I do remember much of the ape language in the back of the book as my friend and I would use it to irritate the teacher. Kreegah! Tarzan bundolo!

Mike