Jokes

[Graham]

My mother-in-law said, "When I'm dead, I'd like you to pour a bottle of good whiskey onto my grave".

I said, "Fine by me, so long as I can pass it through my kidneys first".

G

[Zodiac]

My mother-in-law said, "When I'm dead, I'd like you to pour a bottle of good whiskey onto my grave".

I said, "Fine by me, so long as I can pass it through my kidneys first".

G

Cheers Graham, LOL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3WmpO53Iek&feature=related

Best wishes,

Zodiac.

[Robert]

FIRST CANNIBAL : I've been up all night vomiting. I shouldn't have eaten that missionary. He was a good man.

SECOND CANNIBAL : He may have been a missionary, but how do you know he was a good man?

FIRST CANNIBAL : You can't keep a good man down.

[c.d.]

This one is for Americans of a certain age...

Remember Pee-Wee Herman? He is appearing at the famous Sturgis bike rally in Sturgis, South Dakota. I kid you not. Apparently, he has been operating a chain of dry cleaning stores across the U.S. called Pee-Wee's Drop Your Pants and Jacket Off.

c.d.

[ChainzCooper]

So this guy gets a phone call at work and its terrible news. His wife has been in a horrible accident and is at the hospital. He rushes over to see her and the Doctor greets him at the ER. The Doc says 'I've got horrible news your wife was in a terrible car accident and is completely paralyzed from the neck down. She will require 24 hour assistance for the rest of her life. You will have to feed her by hand 3 times a day. Then you wil have to rub special ointment on her body every day and turn her every twelve hours so she won't get bed sores. She will require wearing a diaper because she has no control over her bowels and you will have to change it. And none of this is covered by your insurance so you have to pay for all of it.' The man breaks down and says 'Really?'
The Doctor says 'No I was just messing with you shes dead' hahaha
Jordan

[Zodiac]

So this guy gets a phone call at work and its terrible news. His wife has been in a horrible accident and is at the hospital. He rushes over to see her and the Doctor greets him at the ER. The Doc says 'I've got horrible news your wife was in a terrible car accident and is completely paralyzed from the neck down. She will require 24 hour assistance for the rest of her life. You will have to feed her by hand 3 times a day. Then you wil have to rub special ointment on her body every day and turn her every twelve hours so she won't get bed sores. She will require wearing a diaper because she has no control over her bowels and you will have to change it. And none of this is covered by your insurance so you have to pay for all of it.' The man breaks down and says 'Really?'
The Doctor says 'No I was just messing with you shes dead' hahaha
Jordan

Hi Jordan,

Imagine my surprise, upon returning home from work the other evening, to find the wife pouring piping hot bolognese/lasagne sauce all over herself!!! "What on earth are you doing darling???" I asked. "I'm just putting the diner on!!!" she replied!!! Oh how we laughed on the way to the burns unit!!!

Best wishes,

Zodiac.

[Zodiac]

When Motoring...

When out and about, motoring in your car/automobile, always ensure that you have a tin of red paint to hand. This way whenever you come across a road traffic accident you can simply pull over, pour the tin of red paint over yourself, and pretend to be involved!!!

Best wishes,

Zodiac.

[ChainzCooper]

I actually stole it from Gilbert Gottfried. But hey isn't all comedy stolen from someone else
Jordan

[ChainzCooper]

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects!

Best wishes,

Zodiac.

Is that a Rodney Dangerfield one? I like this one
So I'm laying in the bed and I hear my wife saying sexy things,
I rolled over and she was on the phone haha
Jordan

[Zodiac]

I actually stole it from Gilbert Gottfried. But hey isn't all comedy stolen from someone else
Jordan

Hi Jordan,

Well yes, I suppose that almost every joke has been told before, in some shape or form, over the years. The way I look at it is, as long as it makes someone, somewhere, laugh, or even just crack a smile, then it is a job well done!!!

Best wishes,

Zodiac.

[ChainzCooper]

Hey Zodiac,
Yeah I guess so. I was watching a ton of standup this weekend. I thought the best episode of all the Comedy Central Presents that I saw Saturday was Nick Griffin's. That guy is really talented. But Ben Bailey (you may have seen him as host of Cash Cab) had the best observation. He went to this restaurant and all the tables were full so they had to go wait for one in a separate waiting room. But then it occurred to him, why not just put more tables in that room? haha
Jordan

[Zodiac]

Hi Jordan,

Some of my jokes are so old they've been found in cave paintings!!! Even my new material was first published in Egyptian hieroglyphics!!!

Best wishes,

Zodiac.

[Steven Russell]

Jordan,
We have a Nick Griffin in the UK too but he's more a joke than a comedian.

Best wishes,
Steve.

[ChainzCooper]

I like Jim Jeffries but I think hes Austrailian. But as far as English comedians I like Ricky Gervais, his recent HBO special was great. I like Dave Attell, Redd Foxx, Bobcat Goldthwait, Louis C.K.,Rich Vos, Jim Norton, Anjela Johnson (Smoooooooooookin' hot she was actually an Oakland Raiderette before she was on Mad TV), Sam Kinison. I get emotional just thinking about Kinison, its sucks so hard that he died like he did. He was such a genius and had so much left to say. Well, I guess I may just toss my Fugg It! CD in. That'll make me feel better
Jordan

[ChainzCooper]

Theres a bird called a Roadrunner out on a desert road who usually kills rattlesnakes but on this one day he decided to have some fun and he attacked a lark. And the lark got away singing merrily 'I'm a lark and I've been sparked'. So the Roadrunner went on down the road further and he found a dove and jumped at the dove. And the dove flew away happily singing 'I'm a dove and I've been loved'. So then the Roadrunner went down the road even further and found this duck walking by...........And after a lot of commotion and feathers flying everywhere he said 'I'm a drake and theres been a mistake'
haha
Jordan