Jokes

[caz]

When we were kids we rubbed lard on our gran's back.

She went downhill very quickly after that.

[Stephen Thomas]

1st Man: I worked in a circus for 30 years.

2nd Man: Wow, that's interesting. What was your act?

1st Man: Oh, I didn't have an act. It's just that I was the only one that could get the tent back in the bag.

[Celesta]

I found this one in The Reader's Digest, June 2009, p.109. It's an old one apparently, but I had never heard it before.

"A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it's over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. 'What's going on?' he asks a cemetery worker.

'It's Beethoven,' says the worker. 'He's decomposing.'"

[c.d.]

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife ...

c.d.

[caz]

Ignorance is bliss

So Socrates died happy then.

A perfect ending I'd say, c.d.

Love,

Caz
X

[Graham]

When the Human Cannonball quit his job at the circus, the ringmaster was distraught, as he knew he'd never find another man of the same calibre.

Graham

[kensei]

Three men were in prison and sentenced to die by firing squad, but they came up with a plan to escape by distracting the riflemen. When the first man stood before them, he suddenly pointed and yelled, "Look, tornado!" And when the riflemen turned to look, he leaped over the wall to freedom. When the second man took his place, he suddenly pointed and yelled, "Look, flash flood!" And when the riflemen turned to look, he leaped over the wall to freedom. Now it was the third man's turn, and with the rifles trained on him he suddenly pointed and yelled, "Fire!" So they shot him.



A man who lived in a high rise apartment building was convinced that his wife was having an affair while he was away at work, so he became determined to catch her in the act. One day he came home unexpectedly in the middle of the day and found her dressed in her sexiest lingerie. "Aha!" he exclaimed. "You've got another man here, don't you?" Despite her denials he began to furiously search the apartment. He looked in every room, every closet, under the bed, but could find no one. Then, while in the kitchen, he glanced out a window and saw a man far below running out of the building in the act of putting on his shirt. "Aha!" he exclaimed, "there he is!" And in his rage he picked up the refrigerator and threw it out the window. It fell 20 floors and crushed the other man to death.

Shortly, up in Heaven, St. Peter welcomed two new arrivals. He asked each one, "How did you die?"

The first one said, "Well, I was at home and got a call that my wife had been in an accident so I was rushing out of the building on my way to the hospital, not even pausing to finish dressing myself, when a refrigerator suddenly fell on me." So St. Peter let him enter.

The second man said, "Well, I was hiding in this refrigerator..."

[Rubyretro]

A teacher asks her class to write a short story involving religion, drama and
suspense, and using as few a words as possible.

The best story read: Good God ! I`m pregnant ! ....I wonder who did it...?

[Rubyretro]

A man walks into a pub with a stork and a cat, and orders a round of drinks.

Next round and it`s the stork that orders, but when it`s the cat`s turn -it shoots off to the loo, so the bloke gets another round in. Turns out that the cat`s forgotten it`s wallet, so the stork has to order again and that`s how it is all night..

Finally the barmaid leans over the bar and asks the bloke " what`s up with your mate the cat then ? Bit mean ! -you and the stork have been buying him drinks all evening, and he hasn`t got in a single round yet...!'

The bloke replies " Well it`s like this...I was driving along to the pub tonight when I saw a fairy lying in the road, injured, with a broken wing...so I slammed on the brakes, got out of the car, picked her her and carried her to the side of the road and put her on a flower. She was so grateful that she said ` I`ll grant you one wish -anything you like- so I said ` I`m just off to the pub..and I`d like to spend the night with a bird, with long legs and a tight *****`"

(censorship!..puss....with a `y`)

[Graham]

That was awful!

About as bad as the bloke who walks into a pub and asks if the piano's free. Told that it is, he sits down at it, and from his pocket produces a tiny man, no more than a foot tall. Without any further ado the midget leaps onto the keyboard, runs up and down it, and plays a Rachmaninov concerto as perfectly as any full-size pianist.

When asked about this miraculous midget, the man says, "I bought an old copper pot. When I cleaned it a genie appeared and said he'd grant me one wish. I asked for a twelve inch penis, but I think the bugger was hard of hearing..."

Graham

[Rubyretro]

a favourite Harry Hill joke;

'funny..when you really start looking at ants under a magnifying glass, on a bright sunny day..how many of them spontaneously combust..'

[Rubyretro]

a couple of whales are frolicking in the sea, first the male dives down and then
comes up to the surface, blowing water out of his spout, and then the female follows suite.

Soon a boat appears on the horiizon, and Mr Whale swims over, dives under it, and rocks the boat by blowing water, and Mrs Whale does the same.

This goes on for a while, and they both have a `whale` of a time until, all of a sudden the boat is capsized and the sailors are precipitated into the water..
and Mr Whale dives down and swallows one of the crew, beckoning (with a fin), for his wife to do the same :

Well, she gives him a withering look and says " look YOU know ME..I`ve never had anything against the odd `blow job`...BUT THERE ARE LIMITS !..
I absolutely REFUSE to swallow seamen..!"

[protohistorian]

Little Billy and little Tommy are lying in bed trying to go to sleep when little Billy hears a noise coming from his parents room down the hall. Billy quietly gets out of bed and creeps down the hall to investigate. He peeks through the keyhole and is shocked. He quietly goes back to his room and awakens his brother. Together the sneak back down the hall and peek through the keyhole. Billy looks at Tommy and says," Can you believe that is the same woman who spanked you for sucking your thumb?"

[Stephen Thomas]

An English ship gets into difficulties in German waters so the Captain radios for help.

Captain: Mayday, Mayday

Coastguard: I am hearing you. Vot is ze problem?

Captain: We're sinking, we're sinking

Coastguard: Vot are you sinking about?

[chrisjd]

Hi Stephen.

see here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YRf9ooQ7qq8
;-))
C