Jokes

[Stephen Thomas]

Husband: How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?

Wife: You told me never to phone you when you're at work.

[c.d.]

A wife tells her husband that she wants a divorce. He is shocked by the news. He says "you can't mean it. I've climbed mountains for you. I've swam raging rivers for you. I've crossed burning deserts for you. Why do you want a divorce?"

The wife says "you're never home."

c.d.

[Phil Carter]

c.d.

A man says to his wife he wants a divorce. She is shocked by this news. She says "I've cleaned and scrubbed, washed clothes, cooked countless meals , and waited patiently for when I have the pleasure of seeing see you.. why? Why a divorce?"

The man says "your prison sentence says "no parole"..thats why"

best wishes

Phil

[protohistorian]

Husband: How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?

Wife: You told me never to phone you when you're at work.

That is just too damn funny!! Dave

[Abby Normal]

This is a true story:

When my friend Truff and I were in college in the 80's drinking late one night at the local dive, Mike, my friend's "little brother" (a fraternity pledge assigned to him as his charge to help through the pledging process and take under his wing) came into the bar looking kind of agitated and distressed.

"Truff" he said nervously, "I have done to much blow (cocaine) and i am freaking out. I need your help-What should I do?"

"Your big bro Truff is going to take care of you" Truf said, suddenly getting very serious. "listen to me and I will get you through this, OK?"

Yes, nodded Mike, expectantly.

"OK, first of all", said Truff, putting his hands on his shoulders and looking him sincerely in the eye, "have you got any more?"

[Celesta]

You guys are on a role. Thanks for reviving the thread!

[joelhall]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

[protohistorian]

and I cannot get dyslexic to save my life! What a sham! Dave

[Celesta]

Right vs left, Dave? Maybe?

[protohistorian]

Not sure what you mean Celesta. I was implying the normal wearers of bras and I rarely get the the stage where I could walk into it. Dave

[protohistorian]

so this nun in a habit comes out of this building and starts walking down the sidewalk. A thug comes from behind knocks her down and begins hitting and kicking her. This continues for several minutes until the thug looks down on the crumpled heap of nun and says," your not so tough batman!" Dave

[Rubyretro]

*A man** escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.*

*He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young** couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...Do whatever he tells you.
*
*Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'*

*His wife** responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.* *He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong. I love you, too.'*

[protohistorian]

absolutely fabulous! Dave

[protohistorian]

It's not really a joke. When I was framing houses my buddy and I used to play this game that when someone said something boneheaded or self evident, we would respond with something we felt they would not expect. One January, we were working in the ass cold when a mercedes pulls up to the job site, and the guy that owns the subdivision gets out. Richie Rich in his trenchcoat comes up to the jobsite and introduces himself. He has not been out of the car 5 minutes when he spouts of with "it sure is cold." My buddy looked him square in the eye and said, "yeah, it makes me poop too much."

The confused look of disgust and curiosity on Richies face was priceless. Dave

[protohistorian]

I think I have solved it! Using the jackass preconceptions of contempory cops I have found a non english, obviously demented, hand jockey. Dave