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Two men are hanging on a street corner just discussing the weather and what not in downtown Jackson Mississippi one afternoon when a funeral prosession drives slowly by. the remove their hats and bow their heads in a show of respect. After the procession goes by the first man asks the second man "Who died?" the second man replied " The one in the first car."
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'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - beer in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride!' -
I went to the doctor and he said I had Hypochondria
And I said 'Oh no, not that as well'.
I went to the computer repair shop because my laptop was overheating.
The man said 'That's not a laptop, it's a George Foreman Grill'.allisvanityandvexationofspiritComment
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Stephen, my husband's going to love the Foreman joke!
"What our ancestors would really be thinking, if they were alive today, is: "Why is it so dark in here?"" From Pyramids by Sir Terry Pratchett, a British National Treasure. 
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Hi CelestaOriginally posted by Celesta View PostStephen, my husband's going to love the Foreman joke!
Got that off the radio last night. The whole show is here and half an hour well spent.
allisvanityandvexationofspiritComment
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lol
I really like that one!Originally posted by smezenen View Post
Here's one i made up myself...
Have you heard about Quentin Tarantino's new movie, dealing with trolley rage in supermarkets?
It's called the Tesco Chain Store Massacre.
(you might need to be UK to get that? not sure...Tesco = largest supermarket here, may be comparable to Walmart?)babybird
There is only one happiness in life—to love and be loved.
George SandComment
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Pork Talk
I fear the worst. Hubby spent most of the night coughing, snoring and snorting like an old warthog. The first words he said to me this morning as he brought me a cuppa were: "My trotters are itching".
I give it a weeeeeeek before he has full on man flu and I have a slight sniffle.
Love,
Caz
X"Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious." Peter Ustinov
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Hi Stephen! I was right. He cracked up! He's one of these computer guys, you know. I tried to listen to the show but it told me it wasn't working right now, so I bookmarked it and will try again in a minute. Thanks.
Babybird, I got it!
"What our ancestors would really be thinking, if they were alive today, is: "Why is it so dark in here?"" From Pyramids by Sir Terry Pratchett, a British National Treasure.
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Buncha oneliners
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?
Doughnuts
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal until you're not getting any.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Why does Kobe Bryant cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?
They named him Sum-Ting Wong.
How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say the 'F' word?
Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell 'Bingo!'
Yours truly,
Tom WescottComment
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And the husband divorced the wife.Originally posted by Tom_Wescott View Post
On the grounds that two Wongs don't make a white.allisvanityandvexationofspiritComment
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babybird
There is only one happiness in life—to love and be loved.
George SandComment
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Tom...all very funny but especially liked these two...
very very funnyOriginally posted by Tom_Wescott View Post
oooo just thought of another one myself...
Why did George Bush storm Osama bin Laden's accountant's office?
Someone told him there were weapons of maths deduction in there.babybird
There is only one happiness in life—to love and be loved.
George SandComment
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A little girl went to the barber shop with her father and stood next to him, eating a cake, while he got his hair cut.
The barber turned to the little girl and said: "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your muffin."
"I know", she replied. "I'm going to get boobs too.""Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious." Peter Ustinov
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Talk about captive audiences! That was pretty funny, Chris.
"What our ancestors would really be thinking, if they were alive today, is: "Why is it so dark in here?"" From Pyramids by Sir Terry Pratchett, a British National Treasure.
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I see doctors want permission to pray for patients. Of course, there will be a long waiting list before a preliminary prayer, followed by a full in-depth prayer session at a later time.
Doctors who mix up their notes and pray for the wrong patient will be disciplined, while doctors who pray to the wrong god could be struck off.
Both NHS and private prayers will be available - the private ones being in Latin.
NB Smokers will not be prayed for.
A secular service will also be available, amounting to "Good luck, mate - you're gonna need it."Comment
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