Jokes

[c.d.]

An Irishman goes into a pub and orders up a pint. Before he can take a sip, he stops, looks around and says "it really stinks in here. I think the drains are backed up." "Can't be, says the bartender. We don't have any drains."

c.d.

[Tom_Wescott]

Have you heard about the new brand of paint called Blondie? It's not too bright, but it spreads easily.

The lesbians next door came over and gave me a new watch for my birthday. That was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood when I said 'I wanna watch'.

Yours truly,

Tom Wescott

[caz]

No Tom, they didn't misunderstand. I've been reliably informed that they thought you were a twat who didn't know the time of day.

What do you call an intelligent blonde?

A Labrador.

Everyone else in the civilised world calls her an intelligent blonde.

[caz]

What might Tom call a lesbian dinosaur if he believed the world was really that old?

A lickalottapus.

[Crystal]

Mice

2 mice are in the airing cupboard.

How do you tell which one's in the Army?

Easy - it's the one on the Tank...


What did one wall say to the other?

'I'll meet you at the corner!' (Sorry...)

[c.d.]

A woman is married to her childhood sweetheart. They have a happy marriage and she gives him 10 children. He dies from cancer. She is overcome by grief but marries again in two years. She and her second husband have eight kids. He is killed in a car accident. She waits a few more years, marries again and has 7 kids with her third husband. Finally in old age she passes away having put 25 children into the world. At her funeral the minister is eulogozing her. He says" thank the Lord she is now at peace and they are finally together." Two old ladies are standing at the coffin. One turns to the other and says "when the minister said thank the Lord the two of them are finally together do you think he meant her first husband, her second husband or her third husband?" The other old lady says "I think he was talking about her legs."

c.d.

[Celesta]

Okay, here's one right out of Reader's Digest, May 2009, p. 192.

"The knit cap my friend sent me from England was a bit small. But it was lovely, so I wore it to church that Sunday. Afterward, I e-mailed her to say how nice it looked on me. She shot me back a note saying how glad she was. "Especially," she wrote, "since it's a tea cozy."

[halomanuk]

My turn :

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.'" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, Hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks
with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young
man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[babybird67]

a silly one but always gives me a little giggle

what's brown and sticky?


















A stick.

[Limehouse]

Wouldn't that be a brown stick baby?

It's like the joke what's pink and fluffy?

Pink fluff.



I was worried I might have pig flu because I ached all over and came out in a rasher. I phone NHS Direct but all I got on the line was crackling. The chemist recommended some oinkment for my rash.

[DVV]

Ok, ther's a rabbit in the jungle.
He is running.
Then he meets a giraffe and stops.
The giraffe is smoking a nice high-grade joint.

"Oh no!" the rabbit says "what are you doing, my giraffe?! Ain't good! Why don't you go and run with me, to get fresh air?"

The giraffe follows the rabbit. They meet a rhinoceros, sniffing cocaine.

"Oh no! my rhino!" says the rabbit, " sniffing is too bad! Better go with us and run in the jungle!"

The rhinoceros follows them. They meet an elephant using heroin.

"Oh no!" the rabbit says, " bad stuff! leave it and run with us!"

The elephant follows them. Then, a lion.
The rabbit is about to talk to him but with one blow, the lion kills the rabbit.

"Oh!" exclaim the giraffe, the rhino and the elephant, "what have you done to this pretty rabbit???"

"Pretty rabbit?" the lion says, "Always boring when he takes an ecstasy!"

[babybird67]

these courtesy of QI repeat

what's orange and sounds like a parrot?





a carrot.




what's red and stupid?









a blood clot





what's red and sits in the corner?







a naughty strawberry




i love jokes like that, that make no sense or have a funny twisty thing about them lol

[c.d.]

A foursome of male golfers is on the golf course stuck behind a foursome of women golfers who are not only terrible but slow as molasses. They stand there waiting for the ladies to tee off. Finally the last woman steps up to the tee, takes numerous practice swings, steps up to the ball and misses completely. Again she takes a number of of practice swings, steps up to the ball and misses completely. She finally hits the ball and it goes about ten yards. With a sheepish grin she turns toward the men and says "I guess all those f***ing lessons I took were a waste of money." "Well there's your problem lady", one of the men replies, "you should have taken golf lessons."

c.d.

[Graham]

Businessman and a vicar on the golf-course. Businessman swings mightily, chips the ball, and it flies off into the trees. "Oh ****!" he shouts. "Missed again!"

"My son", says the vicar, "do please moderate your language, otherwise the Lord will send down a bolt of lightning to consume you".

The businessman makes due apologies.

At the second hole, he swings hugely and slices, and the ball trickles a few feet. "Oh ******* ****-hole bastard!" he yells. "Missed again!" and once again the vicar reminds him of the Wrath of the Lord and the bolt of lightning.

On the third hole, the businessman's done well, and he's on the green in three. Lining up for a 5 yard putt, he sees the ball trickle slowly and stop short. "Oh, ******* ******* bastard god-damned ******* shitting hell!" he howls. "Missed again!"

At which, the clouds part, the hand of God just like Leonardo is seen to point to the ground, there is a flash and a rumble as of lightning, and the searing bolt consumes - the vicar! And a voice booms out over the lands, "Oh ****! Missed again!"

Yeah, well.

Graham

[caz]

Hubby and his friend were playing golf when they saw a funeral procession drive slowly by on the distant main road. The friend stopped in his tracks, took off his cap and stood there in respectful silence until it finally passed out of view. "That was a really nice gesture", said hubby. "The least I could do", came the reply. "She was always a good wife to me".

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Hubby and I have only ever played golf together the once and we didn't get very far when a ball came flying out of nowhere and hit me smack on the head. I blacked out but hubby told me later how he had called for the ambulance and was asked exactly where I had been hit. "Between the first and second holes", he said helpfully. Quick as a flash, the operator came back with "Blimey, not much room for an elastoplast then".

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[All characters appearing above are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is entirely intentional and at my own considerable risk. The nearest I have ever come to playing golf was walking round Shirley Park Golf Course 30 years ago, and the nearest hubby has ever come to playing golf was marrying a woman who once walked round a golf course.]

Love,

Caz
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