Jokes

[chrisjd]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivjybzdXVmI

C

[caz]

A little girl went to the barber shop with her father and stood next to him, eating a cake, while he got his hair cut.

The barber turned to the little girl and said: "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your muffin."

"I know", she replied. "I'm going to get boobs too."

[babybird67]

Tom...all very funny but especially liked these two...

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say the 'F' word?

Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell 'Bingo!'

Yours truly,

Tom Wescott

very very funny



oooo just thought of another one myself...

Why did George Bush storm Osama bin Laden's accountant's office?


Someone told him there were weapons of maths deduction in there.

[babybird67]

Babybird, I got it!

Hi Celesta

good i'm glad someone did!

[Stephen Thomas]

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?

They named him Sum-Ting Wong.

And the husband divorced the wife.

On the grounds that two Wongs don't make a white.

[Tom_Wescott]

Buncha oneliners

What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?

Doughnuts

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal until you're not getting any.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why does Kobe Bryant cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?

They named him Sum-Ting Wong.

How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say the 'F' word?

Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell 'Bingo!'

Yours truly,

Tom Wescott

[Celesta]

Hi Stephen! I was right. He cracked up! He's one of these computer guys, you know. I tried to listen to the show but it told me it wasn't working right now, so I bookmarked it and will try again in a minute. Thanks.

Babybird, I got it!

[caz]

Pork Talk

I fear the worst. Hubby spent most of the night coughing, snoring and snorting like an old warthog. The first words he said to me this morning as he brought me a cuppa were: "My trotters are itching".

I give it a weeeeeeek before he has full on man flu and I have a slight sniffle.

Love,

Caz
X

[babybird67]

lol

Two men are hanging on a street corner just discussing the weather and what not in downtown Jackson Mississippi one afternoon when a funeral prosession drives slowly by. the remove their hats and bow their heads in a show of respect. After the procession goes by the first man asks the second man "Who died?" the second man replied " The one in the first car."

I really like that one!


Here's one i made up myself...

Have you heard about Quentin Tarantino's new movie, dealing with trolley rage in supermarkets?


It's called the Tesco Chain Store Massacre.

(you might need to be UK to get that? not sure...Tesco = largest supermarket here, may be comparable to Walmart?)

[Stephen Thomas]

Stephen, my husband's going to love the Foreman joke!

Hi Celesta

Got that off the radio last night. The whole show is here and half an hour well spent.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00k4g55/4_Stands_Up_Series_3_Episode_6/

[Celesta]

Stephen, my husband's going to love the Foreman joke!

[Stephen Thomas]

I went to the doctor and he said I had Hypochondria

And I said 'Oh no, not that as well'.

I went to the computer repair shop because my laptop was overheating.

The man said 'That's not a laptop, it's a George Foreman Grill'.

[smezenen]

Two men are hanging on a street corner just discussing the weather and what not in downtown Jackson Mississippi one afternoon when a funeral prosession drives slowly by. the remove their hats and bow their heads in a show of respect. After the procession goes by the first man asks the second man "Who died?" the second man replied " The one in the first car."

[caz]

Hubby and his friend were playing golf when they saw a funeral procession drive slowly by on the distant main road. The friend stopped in his tracks, took off his cap and stood there in respectful silence until it finally passed out of view. "That was a really nice gesture", said hubby. "The least I could do", came the reply. "She was always a good wife to me".

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Hubby and I have only ever played golf together the once and we didn't get very far when a ball came flying out of nowhere and hit me smack on the head. I blacked out but hubby told me later how he had called for the ambulance and was asked exactly where I had been hit. "Between the first and second holes", he said helpfully. Quick as a flash, the operator came back with "Blimey, not much room for an elastoplast then".

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[All characters appearing above are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is entirely intentional and at my own considerable risk. The nearest I have ever come to playing golf was walking round Shirley Park Golf Course 30 years ago, and the nearest hubby has ever come to playing golf was marrying a woman who once walked round a golf course.]

Love,

Caz
X

[Graham]

Businessman and a vicar on the golf-course. Businessman swings mightily, chips the ball, and it flies off into the trees. "Oh ****!" he shouts. "Missed again!"

"My son", says the vicar, "do please moderate your language, otherwise the Lord will send down a bolt of lightning to consume you".

The businessman makes due apologies.

At the second hole, he swings hugely and slices, and the ball trickles a few feet. "Oh ******* ****-hole bastard!" he yells. "Missed again!" and once again the vicar reminds him of the Wrath of the Lord and the bolt of lightning.

On the third hole, the businessman's done well, and he's on the green in three. Lining up for a 5 yard putt, he sees the ball trickle slowly and stop short. "Oh, ******* ******* bastard god-damned ******* shitting hell!" he howls. "Missed again!"

At which, the clouds part, the hand of God just like Leonardo is seen to point to the ground, there is a flash and a rumble as of lightning, and the searing bolt consumes - the vicar! And a voice booms out over the lands, "Oh ****! Missed again!"

Yeah, well.

Graham