Jokes

[Rubyretro]

Question: What is the difference between a swiss chalet and a '69' ?
Answer: The view.

[Robert]

A man walks into a casino and sits down at the roulette table.

"All my chips on 18 black," he says.

The wheel is spun and the man wins.

"All my chips on 18 black, " says the man again.

The wheel is spun and the man wins again.

By now a crowd is beginning to gather. The man bets a third time : "Everything on 18 black."

The wheel is spun and the man wins yet again, to the accompaniment of gasps from the onlookers.

"18 Black again," says the man, and he wins for the fourth time.

And then : "All my chips on 7 red," says the man.

There are cries of "No, no!" from the crowd, but the man is adamant. The wheel is spun and the man loses (18 black comes up instead).

"Oh well. Bang goes another system," says the man, and walks out vowing never to play roulette again.

[K-453]

Doctor to patient who just awoke from anaesthesia, "I have good and bad news for you. Bad news first: I amputated your healthy leg by mistake. Now the good news: Your sick leg is much better."

*

I don't drink much, but often, and then a lot!

*

A man RUNS down to the harbour, a suitcase in each hand, THROWS them on the ferry 4 meters away and JUMPS on the ferry mustering the last of his strength.
A sailor helps him over the rail and says, "That was impressing, but couldn't you wait until we berth?"

*

An English, a French and a German woman all get betrayed by their husbands.
The English woman shoots the man.
The French woman shoots the other woman.
The German shoots herself.

*

(A lame one, but makes me laugh

Stewardess, handing chewing-gum, "That's good for your ears!"
After the flight, an angry passenger complains, "And how am I supposed to get that stuff out of my ears again?"

[c.d.]

Chutzpah is a Yiddish word meaning having gall, brazen nerve, effrontery,

Sheer guts plus arrogance; it's Yiddish and, as Leo Rosten writes, no other

Word, and no other language, can do it justice.


A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for a dollar each. Every

Day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and as

He passed the pretzel stand he would leave her a dollar, but never take

A pretzel.

This offering went on for more than 3 years. The two of them never

Spoke. One day as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left

His dollar as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him for the first time in over

3 years. Without blinking an eye she said: "They're a dollar and a quarter now."

c.d.

[Zodiac]

Sleepless in Seattle!!!

Classified Ads.

Female, 24, Seattle.
Seeks short term room mate after an extended stay in Europe.
Contact ASAP

Best wishes,
Zodiac.

[Zodiac]

What a joke!!!

In other news...

Amanda Knox and Jack Rodwell both get their decisions overturned. One has wasted four years of their life trapped and unable to further their life or career, whilst the other has been in prison in Italy.

Best wishes,
Zodiac.

[Sister Hyde]

I can't help watching this over and over again and laugh. This is my friend Dirk from Leeuwarden, he's 6'88" height and he weights 286 lbs, and he's the most non-violent guy in the world. When I see him "cutting" wood from an old fence to make fire, I can't help thinking there's no way you can contain that guy if he ever snaps.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4IdVncWfLns

[Stephen Thomas]

Why did the scientist put a doorknocker on his front door?

He wanted to win the No-bell Prize.

[c.d.]

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car.

They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto
the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the
abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine switches them on,
knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the
nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at
the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as
the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and
shouts,

"Get the f*ck off the windshield!"

c.d.

[Stephen Thomas]

Patient: Every time I pass wind it sounds like a motorcycle

Doctor: You must have an abcess in your anus

Patient: How do you know that?

Doctor: Because abcess makes the fart go Honda

[Stephen Thomas]

I tried Viagra once but it stuck in my throat and I got a stiff neck

[Limehouse]

Did you hear about the man who mistook Tipex for Viagra?

It gave him a huge correction.

[Sister Hyde]

Ok. A laugh you don't have to feel guilty about or look over your shoulder to make sure no one is watching.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/basset-hounds-running

ahahahahahahahah I had one like that when I was younger, it was cute when it was walking on his ears and falling. here's anther funny animal for you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3J8vYL_Vro

[Errata]

Ok. A laugh you don't have to feel guilty about or look over your shoulder to make sure no one is watching.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/basset-hounds-running

[Sister Hyde]

I know, otherwise it wouldn't have made me laugh