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What does Batman say to Robin before they get into the Batmobile?
'Get in the Batmobile, Robin.'
and;
What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes.
'Get in the Batmobile, Robin.'
and;
What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes.
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Roll up the lino, Mother. We're raising Behemoth tonight!
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HOLY SH** Mike! That's hilarious!! Yeah cause it's true, we had a couple like that with my father's death. I got so beside myself when I was on the phone to one the customer service guy finally asked " Well ma'am what would you like us to do, we have to wait on his death certificate and it won't be here for at least another week, and there will be another payment added in that amount of time." I was pissed by this time and told him "For the love of F*** I don't know why don't you bright asses send it via gopher mail!"
I hung up.
"Truth only reveals itself when one gives up all preconceived ideas. ~Shoseki
When one has one's hand full of truth it is not always wise to open it. ~French Proverb
Every truth passes through three stages before it is recognized. In the first, it is ridiculed, in the second it is opposed, in the third it is regarded as self-evident. ~Arthur SchopenhauerComment
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"Truth only reveals itself when one gives up all preconceived ideas. ~Shoseki
When one has one's hand full of truth it is not always wise to open it. ~French Proverb
Every truth passes through three stages before it is recognized. In the first, it is ridiculed, in the second it is opposed, in the third it is regarded as self-evident. ~Arthur SchopenhauerComment
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One I heard from a French friend today
A man goes into a bar and asks the barman for four glasses of wine.The barman asks him why he needs four glasses of wine as he's on his own. The man says that the other glasses are for his brothers, one for Philippe, one for Louis and one for Pierre. The same thing happens for like every day for a year then one day the man comes into the bar and asks for only three glasses of wine. The barman says 'Oh dear has one of your brothers died?' and the man says 'No, I've stopped drinking'.allisvanityandvexationofspiritComment
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A married couple are having an argument. The husband says if she dies before him, he'll put on her gravestone 'As cold as ever'. The wife says if he dies before her, she'll put on his gravestone 'Stiff at last'.allisvanityandvexationofspiritComment
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funniest joke in history
Have been hesitant to post this, as you could die of convulsions.
Therefore be warned! If you choose to read the following post,do so at your own risk.
You have been warned, and it is definately not for the over-sensitive.
Britons with strong convictions to the monarchy are cautioned in particular.
For adults only...
Sorry. No. Can't do it. Forget about it.
Last edited by plang; 04-27-2008, 08:32 AM.Comment
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I always laugh at that oneOriginally posted by Doctor X View Post
My friend Pete used to have the best way to deal with telemarketers. He had a home office and if they called on his "office" phone he would demand to speak to the supervisor, get the address of the company, then inform them that he was a freelance consultant and his rates were $75 per hour or part thereof and he would be invoicing them for his time.
He always followed through, and more often than not they would duly send him out a check and never call him again. ( He was always careful to claim the cheques as income so there was no legal comeback on him.)“Sans arme, sans violence et sans haine”Comment
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Excellent!
"Hold on . . . get photos of the blood!"
And now, a True: Reenactment of a Haunting!
May not be SFW, your GrandMum--some slight swearing in one part.
Yours spookily,
--J.D.Comment
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Underwear Dust
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied ..'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'
"What our ancestors would really be thinking, if they were alive today, is: "Why is it so dark in here?"" From Pyramids by Sir Terry Pratchett, a British National Treasure. 
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Never Argue with a Woman
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage
after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her."
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"says the woman."
"But I haven't even touched you,"says the Game Warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am,"and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. "What our ancestors would really be thinking, if they were alive today, is: "Why is it so dark in here?"" From Pyramids by Sir Terry Pratchett, a British National Treasure.
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"Truth only reveals itself when one gives up all preconceived ideas. ~Shoseki
When one has one's hand full of truth it is not always wise to open it. ~French Proverb
Every truth passes through three stages before it is recognized. In the first, it is ridiculed, in the second it is opposed, in the third it is regarded as self-evident. ~Arthur SchopenhauerComment
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Knock, knock
(who's there?)
Dinner
(Dinner who?)
Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner BATMAN!Comment
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Baptizing A Drunk
Baptizing A Drunk
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
'Are you sure this is where he fell in? ? ?'
"What our ancestors would really be thinking, if they were alive today, is: "Why is it so dark in here?"" From Pyramids by Sir Terry Pratchett, a British National Treasure.
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