Jokes

[Stephen Thomas]

Thanks Chris

And there was me thinking it was a new joke

All the best

[Graham]

An English ship gets into difficulties in German waters so the Captain radios for help.

Captain: Mayday, Mayday

Coastguard: I am hearing you. Vot is ze problem?

Captain: We're sinking, we're sinking

Coastguard: Vot are you sinking about?

On board an English submarine:

"Have you got anything on your Asdic, lieutenant?"

"No sir, it cleared up last week, thank goodness".

With a nod to the writers of 'Allo, Allo'.

Graham

[Natalie Severn]

have you heard the one about the parrot that could do tricks?
A parrot that had arrived at a pet shop was causing quite a lot of interest due to being able to perform a trick act he had been taught by his previous owner.
Now the act consisted of the parrot responding with the words, "Good morning" when his left leg was pulled and "Good Afternoon" when his right leg was pulled ---both phrases spoken with perfect enunciation.Well the pet shop owner was delighted to have such a clever parrot to show off to people when they came into his shop and decided to keep the bird as the resident performer .In no time at all, numbers of people came by to test out the trick and hear him say in perfect English ,"Good Morning" or "Good afternoon" depending on which leg they pulled.The act was so popular that the pet shop owner tried to make sure the parrot didnt get over tired showing off his expertise because before too long people were coming from all around the locality to see and hear the parrot performing his act.
By and by the local vicar came to hear about the parrot and decided he would pop along to the pet shop and test him out for himself.
All went well .The vicar pulled the parrot"s left leg and the bird responded by saying "Good morning" while the vicar roared with laughter and a little group gathered round to watch .Next he pulled the parrot"s right leg and as before the bird responded by saying,"Good Afternoon".The vicar was besides himself and his eyes shining with approval,leaned his head over so it was close to the bird"s head and said,"Now---- my dear bird ...how very clever you are----might I ask you what would happen if I pull both legs at once?
The bird put his head to one side and fixed him with a hard stare, "Why I"d fall off the perch you bloody fool!"

[Graham]

Tommy Cooper funny (probably posted already):

"Last night when I got home I found I hadn't got my key. I knelt down and pushed the letter-box open. I saw the cat sitting in the hall. I said, 'Hey, puss, open the door, would you'?"

"The cat said, 'Me? How?"

[Natalie Severn]

He was wonderful Tommy Cooper!

[Robert]

Q : What do you get if you cross a road with a tortoise?

A : Run over.

[Graham]

Les Dawson one-liner:

"I'm not suggesting me mother-in-law is ugly, but when she comes home the mice throw themselves onto the traps".

Graham

[Robert]

That's because she has a face like a bagful of spanners.

[Graham]

Me mother-in-law told me that when I die she would dance on my grave. I told her, Fine by me, I'm being buried at sea.

Graham

[Robert]

Was that the one with jackboot rash?

[Zodiac]

The Great Les Dawson!!! RIP

Me mother-in-law told me that when I die she would dance on my grave. I told her, Fine by me, I'm being buried at sea.

Graham

Hi Graham,

Les: I had the house to me-self that evening, the wife was away and me mother-in-law was out at a Luftwaffe reunion!!!

Best wishes,

Zodiac.

[Zodiac]

The phone rang in the other room, the wife answered it. She shouted "It's me mother, how would you like to speak to her?"
I shouted back "Through a Medium"!!!

Best wishes,

Zodiac.

[Zodiac]

In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought...I must put a roof on this lavatory.

Best wishes,

Zodiac.

[Zodiac]

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."

Best wishes,

Zodiac.

[Zodiac]

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects!

Best wishes,

Zodiac.