Jokes

[Suzi]

Go on Roy.........................

[Roy Corduroy]

OK, Suze,

What do you call a woman who watches your kids, is well endowed, and likes folk music?

Hooternanny

[c.d.]

So simple - so Irish

So Paddy asks Murphy:
"Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off of their boats?"

To which Murphy replies:
"Well, if they fell forward, they'd still be in the f**kin' boat!"

c.d.

[Bailey]

A lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that the Irish are so dumb that he could get one over them easy, so the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game.

The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun.

“I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500,” he says.

This catches the Irishman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?”

The Irishman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Irishman's turn. He asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him $500. The Irishman pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, “Well, so what the hell goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”

The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

[Suzi]

Love this!

How has this ad passed me by before today!?

[Graham]

Hi Suze,

every time I visit the Ripper forum all these in-your-face American ads are at me! In the last month I've been ripped in 2 weeks (twice); had all my teeth replaced and whitened (three times); somehow developed tattoos (just the once); and my wife says I've turned into a shaven-headed baseball-cap-wearing pseudo-macho wanker!

Bloody great!

Graham

[Suzi]

Hi Suze,

every time I visit the Ripper forum all these in-your-face American ads are at me! In the last month I've been ripped in 2 weeks (twice); had all my teeth replaced and whitened (three times); somehow developed tattoos (just the once); and my wife says I've turned into a shaven-headed baseball-cap-wearing pseudo-macho wanker!

Bloody great!

Graham

With worryingly W H I T E teeth!!!!

[caz]

I don't get any ads. Not that I'm complaining.

I do get jokes though - right here on this thread.

Here are three from Carly:

"Knock knock, knock knock, knock knock, knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"A spider"

---------------------------------

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of its paws, and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

-----------------------------------

And lastly, one she made up, but then found someone else had thought of it first:

"I used to think I was a Swiss linguist, but now I'm not Saussure."



Love,

Caz
X

[Suzi]

The spider one made me R O F L M A O !!!!.....probably says a lot about me!!!

Good'uns Carly!!!!!

[cats meat man]

I was walking through a cemetery the other day when six guys passed me carrying a coffin.An hour later they passed me again,still carrying the coffin, only this time they were all swearing and shouting at each other.
I thought to myself...Those guys have lost the ******* plot!

[Graham]

Tommy Cooper funny:

I turned up at a B&B the other day and rang the bell. A window opened and the landlady stuck her head out. "What you want?" she said.

"I want to stay here", I said.

"Well, stay there then", she said, and closed the window.

G

[wisfisher]

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time; Just he and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'

'Oh yes, Grampa' the girl replied, and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard, dip **** or horse's ass anywhere we went today!'

[babybird67]

some funnies passed on to me from one of my M.E support groups...

all these signs have been reported from various Churches and Church halls:

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Weight watchers will meet at 7.30pm at the Presbyterian church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and the deterioration of some of the older ones.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?". Come early and listen to the choir practice.

The Minister unveiled the church's new donations campaign last Sunday:
"I upped my Pledge - Up Yours".

Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.


Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the organist.

Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.


The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church hall Friday.


The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

The Vicar is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.


The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.


The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.


And my particular favourites...

Next weekend's Fasting & Prayer Conference in Whitby includes all meals.

Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.


This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.


The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Hope some of you enjoy these!

[c.d.]

Premature Ejaculation Club Meeting This Friday. No dress code. Just come in your pants.

c.d.

[Phil Carter]

Right...

Al Capone, standing outside a shoe shop. meets Glenn Miller.
After the usual compliments, Glenn, pointing at Al's feet says..
"Say Al, they look expensive!"
"Yup", sure are... crocodile skin, gold buckle, 20 diamonds in the tips. Just got them from in here" he points at the window behind him.

"I will have to try and dedicate a tune to you... but cant quite get it yet..." says Glenn.
Just then, a wild, ferocious cat darts across the road, jumps straight onto Al's feet and starts trying to rip them apart...

"Got it!" says Glenn..

"Pardon me Al, is that the cat-that-chews-the-new-shoes?"

best wishes

Phil