Jokes

[Celesta]

And all of this for the low price of.....?

[Shelley]

A Doctor calls in another patient from the waiting room, the patient has black eyes and is extremely distressed and tired

Doctor: ' Gosh you look absolutley exhausted What seems to be the problem?'

Patient: ' I haven't been able to get a wink of sleep these past few nights, the local stray cats keep meowing all night long running around in my garden, i am at my wits end, i am so tired i could scream & cry at the same time! '

Doctor: I see, good grief! Here is a prescription for some sleeping tablets, for the first 3 days one to be taken before bedtime, then after that 2 tablets to be taken, then come and see me next week & i'll see how you get on.

patient: ' Thankyou Doctor '.

A Week Later:

Patient: ' Hello Doctor '

Doctor: ' Good grief man! you look worse than when i saw you last week, are the tablets not working for you?'

Patient: ' Well Doctor, i tried to do as you instructed me last week, but every night for the past week i have been chasing those darn cats around the garden & i couldn't get one of those cats to swallow those prescribed tablets of yours! '

[Shelley]

2 sperms having a conversation:

sperm 1 : ' It's very dark in here, how long do you think it will take now to get

to the fallopian tubes? '

Sperm 2 : ' Oh, a long time off yet................We haven't past the tonsils yet!'

[Graham]

Venerable Tommy Cooper gag:

Man goes into hardware shop. "I want a box of No 2 woodscrews, please".

Assistant: "How long do you want them?"

Man: "I want to keep them".

Gaaarrdd...

Graham

[Jon Guy]

Why is an elephant large, grey and wrinkled?



Because if it were small, white and smooth it would be an aspirin.

[babybird67]

haha Jon

that is the sort of wacky joke i like!

[Jon Guy]

Cheers. I like the surreal ones too, BB

Graham`s Tommy Cooper joke reminds me of a Tommy Cooper anecdote.
Apparently, he would always carry tea bags in his pocket, and when anyone ever approached him to say hello or whatever, he would stuff a tea bag in their hand and say "have a drink on me".

[Graham]

Another Tommy Cooper one-liner:

"Last week I bought my wife a Jaguar. It tore her to shreds".

Gro-a-a-a-n...

Graham

[Robert]

One of my favourite clips of all time :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0igRKYQUfpg&feature=related

[Robert]

The BBC is claiming that, during his investiture as Prince of Wales, Prince Charles was targeted by Welsh natonalist bombers. Had they succeeded, the explosion would have been heard from his left ear to his right.

[c.d.]

A snail gets beaten up by some turtles. He goes to the police station to report it. The police ask "did you get a good look at them?" He says "no, it all happened so fast."

c.d.

P.S. We need more jokes! Let's get going people!!!

[Graham]

Here's one for you, Babybird:

In the chapel at Pontypridd Mr Griffiths-Jones goes up to the deacon after the service and says, "Deacon, I was wondering: is it all right to have sex on a Sunday?"

Deacon, after a moment's deliberation: "Aye, so long as you don't enjoy it".

Graham

[babybird67]

lol Graham

very funny! (although i am not Welsh, i just live here)

Here's another whacky sort i like...


on what side does a zebra have most of its stripes?



The outside, of course!

keep smiling everyone!

[Roy Corduroy]

What do you call a woman who watches your kids, is well endowed, and likes folk music?

[String]

Martha recently lost her husband. she had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn the he was in she poured him out on the patio table. while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. Remember that dishwasher you promised me? Well i bought it with the insurance money. She paused for a minute, still tracing her fingers through the ashes and said, Remember that car and diamond ring you promised me? I also bought them with the insurance money. Finally, still tracing her fngers in the ashes she said, Do you remember the blowjob i promised you? Well......here it comes....