Piece of Chalk

[cats meat man]

Beware Beware
The deadly lair
Of
The miscreant of Mitre Square!
Or
'Catch me if you can, i'm the cats meat man!'

[FrankO]

Beside my knife, so sharp and cool
A piece of chilly chalk I feel
Perhaps that is a nice, fine tool
With which a funny joke to deal

I rush along, through street and lane
A piece of clotted cloth I hold
Cut off of her, the whore just slain
For something silly that she told

Inside a door, so moist and dark
The place for funny pun to play
I want to do this on a lark
But find no stupid word to say
-
So I just drop the relic rag
And get the hell away!

[Roy Corduroy]

Sam, if we just had some kind of prize we could award for your effort we would. Also, Jon Guy's poem in post 5 is a favorite of mine.

I revised this one a little.

Upon the Night

Upon the night Jack was espied
It was the night two women died
The fiirst he cut her, Lizzie Stride
And then so quiet a pony shied

An evil surging all through him
The syph a’sucking at his vim
The vile man goes out on a limb
And searches by the city rim

Sweet Catherine upon the Square
He’s evil dear, please be aware
But no, he hacks her up right there
And then heads back unto his lair

He pulls up by the public bath
And writes The Jews will have the wrath
The dark cloaks down now round his path
But the dear ones souls we know God hath.

[Sam Flynn]

Sam, if we just had some kind of prize we could award for your effort we would.

Thanks, Roy - but I just realised I was missing a couplet from each verse. Here's a new version y'all can sing along with...

THE LITTLE(CHILD) LIST SONG (Version 2.0)

If someday it should happen that a suspect must be found
I've got a little list, I've got a little list
Of American malfeasants who are often leather-bound:
The mad self-flagellist, the sadomasochist.
The type of man who dresses up in women's underwear,
Who tucks his thing between his thighs, pretending it's not there.
The sort who boasts of conquests, but who never conquered aught,
Who chases after women, but who’d rather not get caught,
And who, confronted with some shag, would rather do the twist -
I've got 'im on the list, I've got 'im on the list.

There's the sort who'd wax satyrical his handlebar moustache,
The dandy facialist - I've got him on my list;
The guy who hangs out with the boys and showers them with cash,
He never will be missed, he never will be missed.
The advertising quack who bores with tales of countless cures,
The sort who likes to tie you up, and jab your skin with skewers;
The type of man who’d thank you if you spanked him on the bum,
Who’d rather like the Navy - if it wasn’t for the rum.
And he who, clapped in manacles, would slip one off the wrist -
That randy herbalist, I've got 'im on the list.

There's the man who pickles matrices and keeps them in a jar,
The hysterectomist - I've got 'im on the list;
He may have done a moonlight flit, but won't get very far,
That escapologist - he'll not for long be missed.
For I have put upon his tail a colleague from the Yard,
Who'll not fail to re-arrest him; well, it surely can't be hard!
He'll chase him over continents, and make his life a Hell
Then he'd take him to the station, where we’d bang him in a cell -
And if we don't, he'll not evade the ripperologist
Who simply can't resist to keep him on the list.

[Roy Corduroy]

Batchelor was his aide de camp
They went looking for the scamp
Hired a hansom, plucked a stem
Always searching just for him

Next he threatened Bombatard
Landing him in prison yard
Chinese whispers in the gaol
Pegged Le Grand the man from Hell

[Roy Corduroy]

Then comes poor old Robert Mann
Spent his life in Oakum Land
Hey! the gent who penned the porn
Just one hundred copies born

Cops in Gotham on the case
Daggers from Inspector Race
Sip a milk while changing clothes
Pimp a boatload full of Joes

[ChainzCooper]

Barnett Bury Pizer Ape
Man with Gladstone bag and cape
Koz and Cohen went insane
Jim was cuffed on Cottage Lane

Pimple Blaster Dr. No
Oops it’s Bond we’ll take it slow
Rode a train from Liverpool
Puckeridge was known to drool

Feigenbaum is he a fit
Issenschmidt he had no wit
Cambridge don or Fogelma
Did a butcher break the law

How did he make such escapes
Packer packin more than grapes
Did he shave or grow a beard
William Bull got drunk and weird

Inquiry made at the Hague
Meantime floats the young Montague
Dresden hears from Lowenheim
Oliphant was so sublime

Catch a Slav’ll get er’ done
Pedachencko hey there’s one
Vassili and Ostrog too
Might as well throw in Raspue

Draw a cirque la miscreant
Diagram it to an ant
Sketch a line, connect the dot
Toss a dart see whatcha got

Came from Hull to bed the ward
Stranger crossed to land of Bard
Fred found barber man too late
Why did Hutch wait by the gate

Royals Masons water basins
Stop at fountain stash the arpon
Cutbush Levy Hyam Hyam
Sion Square the coppers spy em’

Grainger Fleming Deeming whaler
Gone to hop so hold the bailer
Was artiste the letter mailer
Uncle Tom the Cobley nailer

Cream said Me I was the one!
This is just plain too much fun
If I missed your favorite son
Have a go at posting one.

Really enjoyed that.
Jordan

[Roy Corduroy]

I wrote a letter Dear Boss
Stalked the old gals from the doss
And 'cause I don't give a toss
I told em' all I am Cross

[Pcdunn]

Jack the Ripper
Is the bane of Scotland Yard,
All the Bobbies too
For though they seek him here,
And seek him there,
When an unfortunate is dead,
Jack the Ripper's never found!

"Inspired" by "Macavity" from "Cats"-- sorry, Mr. Eliot...

[Roy Corduroy]

His name was Toppy
It's clear as mud
Right outta Baghdad
He hopped a Scud

Turn left at Sydney
Then on to Perth
There's just one Toppy
On Planet Earth

[Abby Normal]

There once was a man named Barrett
Whos nose was as long as a ferret
He said I found Jack!
Then took it all back
And flew away on a giant green parrot

[Sam Flynn]

There once was a man named Barrett
Whos nose was as long as a ferret
He said I found Jack!
Then took it all back
And flew away on a giant green parrot

Excellent, Abs - it would work slightly better with "carrot" in the second line, though </free_advice>

[Abby Normal]

Excellent, Abs - it would work slightly better with "carrot" in the second line, though </free_advice>

thanks Sam
I like ferret-it has a weasly connotation. carrot for a nose implies more of a snowman, though he did do a snow job on everyone. lol

[Pcdunn]

Question of Identity

One hundred years and thirty plus,
Jack's name is unknown but not his deeds.
Bloody, bloody Ripper,
Where ever he wandered,
His moniker was left behind.

Crazy Jew, shady Slav,
Leather Apron,
Upholstery ripper,
Butcher, Carman,
Sailor, Doctor,
Shady Yank,
Prince of Wales,
Author, Artist,
Mad poet saint.

Cast your eye over the Earth,
Unknown Jack has left his mark
In bodies of flesh and blood.
Alas, we will never know,
Whose identity the Fiend wore.

[Michael W Richards]

It was written once white upon black
that Jews were on the attack,
But when faced with the truth
it was deemed too uncouth,
And Ripperology is forever setback.