Cricket, lovely cricket

[Phil Carter]

He actually runs in the same way as Michael Holding...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4yLJBl6kiC4&feature=related

Phil

[Adam Went]

Monty:

He is an All Rounder. Took 5 for 37 last week and plundered 44 off 30 odd balls the week before. Here is a photo of him in full flow. Note the seam position.

Nice! Can't argue with those numbers. Pleased to hear as well that he seems to be modelling himself on the style of Shane Watson. Good fella.

By the way, from this angle, looks like he's sprayed the ball waaaaay down the leg side. Five wides my friend. That's a "Harmison" ball.

The ECB machine has a diffence setting on it so you can simulate swing. Top speed 99 mph and Ive faced that for a laugh. However its all rather robotic and eliminates the element of surprise. You can see the guy altering it at the other end so whilst it gets you use to high speed, it really is repetative.

Yup, same problem with most bowling machines - as you say, you already know what line and length the ball will be before it's even bowled.
Did you pick the ball up at all at 99 mph?

Also, since we're on this thread, good time to suggest you read back through some of the pages and remind yourself about our Twenty20 match. Seems your boy would make a useful addition to your team.

Steven:

No he doesn't. He gets paid for his opinon, you ignoramus,

LOL!! Oh dear.

If I didn't know better, Steven, i'd suggest that i've managed to ruffle your feathers slightly.....so much so that you forgot to even give us the answer to the trivia question. But you wouldn't allow yourself to be ruffled by a convict, Steven.....would you?

Incidentally, gents, how good was that win by the Aussie boy over the Pom in the juniors final at Wimbledon recently?

And what about Cadel Evans?

You two lecture me about living in the past - I saw an episode of Top Gear the other week where they were in Germany and tried to give the Germans the shits by opening the car door to reveal two books on the seat - one was about the 1966 World Cup and the other was titled "Churchill"!

Back in yer boxes, I reckon....

Cheers,
Adam.

P.S. Steven, are you offering to pay me to compliment your team? If so, name your price and we'll negotiate from there.

[Steven Russell]

Steven:

Warney gets payed to say that sort of crap these days you idiot....i'd sing The UN's praises too if they were paying me to do it.

No he doesn't. He gets paid for his opinon, you ignoramus, and I would like to think he has enough integrity (unlike you, it seems) to be honest about it. How much would they need to pay you by the way? I'd be interested to learn who is paying you to spout the drivel you've been coming out with lately. Is it Monty so his arguments look wise in comparison?

Best wishes,
Steve.

[Monty]

He is an All Rounder. Took 5 for 37 last week and plundered 44 off 30 odd balls the week before. Here is a photo of him in full flow. Note the seam position.

The ECB machine has a diffence setting on it so you can simulate swing. Top speed 99 mph and Ive faced that for a laugh. However its all rather robotic and eliminates the element of surprise. You can see the guy altering it at the other end so whilst it gets you use to high speed, it really is repetative.

We also tried the spin machine, Merlin. Now thats a freaky piece of kit. Does everything. Flippers, zooters, some weird sh*t at 60 mph. That was tougher.

And all along the outside is the achievement board, with lots n lots of Aussie casualties.

Monty

[Adam Went]

Monty:

Bowling machines are easy. My son spent last winter at the ECB nets and got on fine at around 85 mph. This because you can't really alter line and lenght easily. After 85 mph it got a bit more difficult but 90 plus reactions must be test standard.....and that's where your boys buckled.

Which is why the likes of Shoaib Akhtar and Brett Lee were virtually unplayable by all bar the best batsmen when they were bowling at their very quickest. Pace is difficult enough, add a bit of swing to that and you're in business.

So the son is a batsman then?

Net wickets are also a lot different than turf wickets, obviously.

I could barely pick the ball up at 160 kmh. Managed to get a couple away and they absolutely flew - the faster you bowl the faster they come off the bat - then got whacked flush on the hip, didn't tickle, and then next ball played a perfect forward defensive - only I completed it by the time by middle stump had been pinged against the wall behind. Would have tried even faster but the machine maxed out at 160.

Do the ECB nets have those virtual bowling machines which mimic the actions and variations of actual international bowlers?

Nope, just pointing out the fact you are drawn to fellas. Its fine, no issue, just quit the denial.

Not in denial, I just wanted your son to be the one to tell you about us.
Oh...whoops....

Likewise, if you and Steven enjoy taking turns reaming each other even as we speak here, then it isn't for me to judge.

What year have I walked in to? 1994? You really do live in the past don't you?

Crowded House are back together, touring and releasing new songs, dipshit. Surprised you've even heard of them. Thought Milli Vanilli was more your thing. Don't suppose you've heard of Cold Chisel? Going to see them in a couple of months.....Baaarrrnnnesssy!

Like I say, your ability to predict up and coming stars, born out of desperation, is woefully lacking. If its like the other 'stars' you said would destroy us then my hands rub with glee.

Good thing i've declared my availability for selection in 2013 then, just incase Cummins doesn't make it.

Cheers,
Adam.

[Monty]

"I once faced a bowling machine at 160 km/h. They've got nothing.
(Though i'll confess that I won't be doing that again in a hurry....)"

Bowling machines are easy. My son spent last winter at the ECB nets and got on fine at around 85 mph. This because you can't really alter line and lenght easily. After 85 mph it got a bit more difficult but 90 plus reactions must be test standard.....and that's where your boys buckled.

"You saying that Pommy women are all tranny's?
Harsh words, Monty...."

Nope, just pointing out the fact you are drawn to fellas. Its fine, no issue, just quit the denial.

"Finn? Who the hell is Finn? Unless you're talking about Neil of course, out of Crowded House....great band, that"

What year have I walked in to? 1994? You really do live in the past don't you?

"Trust me, Cummins is the real deal. Ignore my words at your peril. "

Like I say, your ability to predict up and coming stars, born out of desperation, is woefully lacking. If its like the other 'stars' you said would destroy us then my hands rub with glee.

Bring the boy on, he is another we will chew up and spit out.

Monty


PS Alec Stewart?

[Adam Went]

Monty:

She says Im better than you. Stick to boys, they seem to excite you more.

Seems you're obsessed with homosexuality - Steven is too by the looks of it. Something you two want to come clean about?

Let me get this straight. You, the bucked tooth Bunyip, want to take on this?.....

I once faced a bowling machine at 160 km/h. They've got nothing.
(Though i'll confess that I won't be doing that again in a hurry....)

It seems your attention has been drawn to the men.... again.

You saying that Pommy women are all tranny's?
Harsh words, Monty....

Yeah, you said that about Johnson, Watson, Siddle, Tait.....blah blah blah. I advise them to sit down and watch Anderson, Broad, Tremlett, Bresnan, Finn et al. Learn from the very best.

Finn? Who the hell is Finn? Unless you're talking about Neil of course, out of Crowded House....great band, that.

Trust me, Cummins is the real deal. Ignore my words at your peril.

Steven:

Warney gets payed to say that sort of crap these days you idiot....i'd sing The UN's praises too if they were paying me to do it.

PS - Trivia. Before Dhoni, when was the last time the same person batted, bowled, fielded, kept wicket, and captained his side all in the same test match?

Hmm....good one. I have a feeling that it might be a lot more recently than one would expect. So i'm going to take a stab at it based on some vague memories and say..... Brendon McCullum? Probably a year or two ago?

Cheers,
Adam.

[Steven Russell]

From today's Telegraph:
"When Australia were on top and dominating world cricket, the things we wanted to do were score fast, take the game away from the opposition and intimidate the tail. England are doing all those and showing qualities that will make them no. 1 if they continue...

"I don't know if England are dominating or are a clear-cut no. 1 but they are probably the best side in the world right now, just ahead of South Africa."

There's much more in similar vein. And the author of these wise words? A certain SK Warne.

Now Adam, I understand from what you say that you could probably win the Ashes single handedly - if only your boneheaded selectors would see sense and make with the baggy green - but surely even a player of your stature would admit that Mr. Warne's views deserve some consideration. I think you need to lie down and get your boyfriend to mop your fevered brow until the symptoms have passed.

Best wishes,
Steve.

PS - Trivia. Before Dhoni, when was the last time the same person batted, bowled, fielded, kept wicket, and captained his side all in the same test match?

[Monty]

Yup, hence why I know you're lousy.

She says Im better than you. Stick to boys, they seem to excite you more.

But of course you won't take up the challenge. I'm ready to strap the pads on - or should we make it two pints and no protective gear?

Let me get this straight. You, the bucked tooth Bunyip, want to take on this?.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eO0JSuXWP6g

And LOL @ your comment about Pommy chicks being better. I've seen the ones at the cricket over there mate. Yikes. A few of them would do well to acquaint themselves with a razor, for a start.

It seems your attention has been drawn to the men.... again.

By the way, just going to put it out there, keep your eyes open for a young fast bowler by the name of Patrick Cummins. Plays for NSW and is 17 or 18 years old. Will rip through plenty of Pommy batting line-ups and cause plenty of your blokes to suffer from "Trescothick-itis" before his career is out, rest assured of that!

Yeah, you said that about Johnson, Watson, Siddle, Tait.....blah blah blah. I advise them to sit down and watch Anderson, Broad, Tremlett, Bresnan, Finn et al. Learn from the very best.

Trecothick-itis? We call Tait-itis over here......not that mental illness is the slightest bit funny.


Monty....who is finding you boring now, as per.

[Adam Went]

Monty:

Not what my Mussus was saying last night? You spent the night with your Mom? Oh that's so wrong mate.

Yup, hence why I know you're lousy.

You just bet me our bowlers wouldn't get you out? Oh lordy someone get the straightjacket, Adam needs sedating. He is talking more bollocks than usual.

But of course you won't take up the challenge. I'm ready to strap the pads on - or should we make it two pints and no protective gear?

You think bringing Warney back is a threat. Dude, he did nothing against us the last two series he played in. Not compared to what he use to do. That's why he retired, he saw the writing on the wall. And Liz Hurley? A supermodel? Ha, compared to the talent down under she may well be but not here my gormless friend. Here she is average.

Yeah he only got 40 wickets in the 2005 series and claimed his 700th wicket (how's it goin', Straussy?) and bowled us to victory a couple of times in the 06/07 series. Don't even pretend for a moment that you wouldn't have him in your team if you had the option. Same with most of our team over the past few decades.

And LOL @ your comment about Pommy chicks being better. I've seen the ones at the cricket over there mate. Yikes. A few of them would do well to acquaint themselves with a razor, for a start.

Let's not talk about Jones, let's talk about the worlds best wicketkeeper batsman and Englands keeper, Matt Prior. What has he done latey? Hmmmm?

Got dropped from the ODI team didn't he?

I wish I could get 50? Sure, so does your top order mate.

Most of them average more than 50 for their careers, dimwit. None of yours do.

By the way, just going to put it out there, keep your eyes open for a young fast bowler by the name of Patrick Cummins. Plays for NSW and is 17 or 18 years old. Will rip through plenty of Pommy batting line-ups and cause plenty of your blokes to suffer from "Trescothick-itis" before his career is out, rest assured of that!

Cheers,
Adam.

[Monty]

Adam,

Not what my Mussus was saying last night? You spent the night with your Mom? Oh that's so wrong mate.

Kaitich was scoring respectfully? Yeah, respectfully. Sure, like I say, you've accepted mediocrity.

You just bet me our bowlers wouldn't get you out? Oh lordy someone get the straightjacket, Adam needs sedating. He is talking more bollocks than usual.

You think bringing Warney back is a threat. Dude, he did nothing against us the last two series he played in. Not compared to what he use to do. That's why he retired, he saw the writing on the wall. And Liz Hurley? A supermodel? Ha, compared to the talent down under she may well be but not here my gormless friend. Here she is average.

Let's not talk about Jones, let's talk about the worlds best wicketkeeper batsman and Englands keeper, Matt Prior. What has he done latey? Hmmmm?

I wish I could get 50? Sure, so does your top order mate.

Want me to reel off Cookes scores against you mate? Do you? Shall we go there?

Go back to your dark room, play the DVD, grab that box of tissues and fervently moan "oh Glenn, perfect length Glenn"

Its the only pleasure you have nowadays.

Monty

[Adam Went]

Monty:

The only reason you can see your crotch is due to the magnifying glasses and tweezers you invested in Adam.

That's not what your missus was saying last night.

Kaitich is test standard NOW?! Holy fu....you serious. You said that last winter and we destroyed his international career. If you think he is test standard then its no wonder your team is average. Is that what you are aspiring to now? Mediocrity?

Destroyed his career? Evidently you begin to suffer from alzheimers in your old age. As I recall, he injured his achilles during the series which forced him out, had been scoring respectably up till then.

Useless bowlers? Oh I expected more than outright lies Adam. Poor, very poor. Go look at the stats, go look at what the best bowling attack in the world has done since, when?, shall we say the beggining of the Ashes tour where to systematically picked your bats off one by one. That should give you an idea that you're digressing shite again.

I'd be happy to give each of your bowlers an over at me in the nets, bet you a pint that none of them would get me out. That's with me not even having picked a bat up for the better part of a year....

I would threaten you once again with the test return of Warney or maybe even Brett Lee, but wouldn't want to frighten you.

I see. I shall leave you be, leave you to sit in a darkened room shouting "Go Gilly, Go Pidge, Go Warney (is he still alive by the way?)" Whilst hitting the re wind button.

Which one? Gilly is still playing Twenty20, Pidge is running his foundation and Warney is bonking your supermodels and commentating on your teams inferiority.

By the way, I see Geraint Jones scored 4 recently for Kent. Hefty numbers. When's he getting a recall?

And I shall live in the present, and not remind you of the current state of affairs. I feel for you Australians just now. Must be awful, I mean, all you have is some geezer called Watson, who gets out more in his 50s than double tons (that Cookes job, by the way...you still having nightmares about him? Your bowlers do).

A "geezer" who just happens to be the reigning Allan Border medallist. Bet you wish you could even make 50, eh?

And yes, I do have nightmares about Cook - it's his ghastly technique. I mean, seriously, what is that? I'd rather watch Shiv Chanderpaul bat - and that's saying something!

Cheers,
Adam.

[Monty]

The only reason you can see your crotch is due to the magnifying glasses and tweezers you invested in Adam.

Kaitich is test standard NOW?! Holy fu....you serious. You said that last winter and we destroyed his international career. If you think he is test standard then its no wonder your team is average. Is that what you are aspiring to now? Mediocrity?

Useless bowlers? Oh I expected more than outright lies Adam. Poor, very poor. Go look at the stats, go look at what the best bowling attack in the world has done since, when?, shall we say the beggining of the Ashes tour where to systematically picked your bats off one by one. That should give you an idea that you're digressing shite again.


Ah, no, I got it now. This is acceptance, you have seen the light and accepted your boys have not got what it takes anymore. The only solace you now have is looking at past glories and re living them.

I see. I shall leave you be, leave you to sit in a darkened room shouting "Go Gilly, Go Pidge, Go Warney (is he still alive by the way?)" Whilst hitting the re wind button.

And I shall live in the present, and not remind you of the current state of affairs. I feel for you Australians just now. Must be awful, I mean, all you have is some geezer called Watson, who gets out more in his 50s than double tons (that Cookes job, by the way...you still having nightmares about him? Your bowlers do).

Still, could be worse, could be.....nah, I'm lying, you're in deep **** just now.

Now, we are off to play with the big boys. India call, No1 status beckons, enjoy your DVDs, Ill be watching the real deal.

Monty

[Adam Went]

Monty:

Small things seem to amuse you a lot mate. Bet you spend hours looking at your crotch and laughing.

Well at least I can see my crotch, instead of your unfortunate circumstance of looking down and seeing only more fat.

You're not as baffled as Kaitich is, who for some bizarre reason feels he is test standard. We found him out years ago. Infact your top order are our bitches now, the team is wanting. Michael Clarke, Captain.....ha ha ha haaaa, says it all. He shouldn't even be in the team.....that's your Captain, oh **** that must be depressing.

Katich wasn't test standard in 2005. He is now and has been for a while. As for our captain, do I really have to drag out the Captain Cook jokes, Monty? Seriously? Please don't make me do it....

We won't need a top class batting order in 2013 when Shane Watson makes several double tons. And your bunch of useless bowlers that wouldn't make the 2nds of my local park team will bowl Ricky back into form.

Good luck for 2013, you'll need 2 years to get a competitive team. Hope you do, for your sake....you must be sick of my gloating by now. Even I'm getting bored.

Nope. As i've said before, whenever I get a little down about our team, I just pop the "Amazing Adelaide" DVD from the 06/07 series in and suddenly the world is great again!

Steven:

That's all you've got? You disappoint me....

Cheers,
Adam.

[Steven Russell]

"Becoming used to constant and humiliating failures..."

Aw, look mate, you said it.

Best wishes,
Steve.