Jokes

[Simon Wood]

A Pole went for an eye test.

"Can you read the bottom line," asked the optician.

"Read it?" said the Pole. "I know him."

[Rubyretro]

I don't know if I already recounted this one ? ...it is one of my faves though..

A bloke was standing at the bar with a cat and a stork. He ordered the first round of drinks, then the stork got one in..and then the cat buzzed off to the loo.

So the bloke got another round, then it was the stork that ordered them up , but the cat started ostentatiously patting himself up and down and seemed to have 'forgotten' his wallet..

You all get the picture...it was like this all evening...finally the barmaid (a pretty, short, chubby girl -who'd had her eye on the bloke all night) leaned over the bar and whispered conspiratorially into the bloke's ear " what's with your mate, that cat ? You and that Stork have been buying all the rounds all evening and he seems pathetically mean...?"

So the bloke (looking suddenly rather desolate) said "it's like this...I was driving to the pub tonight when suddenly I saw this little fairy, lit up by the headlights lying in the middle of the road with a broken wing...so I slammed on the brakes..
got out of the car..and I carried her over to the verge and laid her gently on a leaf..she was so grateful that she turned to me and said 'I'll grant you one wish for tonight...anything you want' ..and I said 'I want to go out with a bird with long legs and a tight p***y "

[Steve]

[ATTACH]13213[/ATTACH]

[Rubyretro]

(just to prove that I do know some clean ones)

The bloke at the Post Office who was responsible for dealing with the letters
which didn't have a correct address, got one addressed simply 'To God'

He opened it and was soon touched by emotion, for the letter read:

"Dear God,

I am a pensioner and I don't have any money. All I have is my dear friends
but I hardly ever see them now.. I save a tiny bit out of my Pension all year round so that, on my birthday, I can have a little party and afford to buy a cake and some drinks and invite them over for once, and we all look forward to it for months in advance. I manage through scrimping and scraping to save Ł75.

This year though, I had just withdrawn the money to start buying things for my little party, when a horrible man hit me very hard and stole my bag with the money in it , and now I will have to tell my friends that I can't see them until next year..and maybe I will not live that long.

I've always believed in you, God, all my life. I'm counting on a Miracle now
and for you to help me"

The man was a rather choked, but soon he started thinking about the old woman and determined to help her; Pretty soon he was going through all the departments of the Post Office, showing them the letter, and getting up a collection. Finally he was able to send off a letter 'from God' and Ł74.50.

The reply was not short in coming ( he opened it with a glow of satisfaction): "Dear God, Thank you very much for your
money -my friends and I had a wonderful time -but there was 50p missing, and I don't want to tell tales, but it must have been those incompetant ba.....s at the Post Office that stole it as usual"

[louisa]

Politically correct women descriptions...

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED PERSON

She is not a SCREAMER or a MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE

She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION

She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED

She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED

She is not a SLUT - she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED

She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER

[Errata]

Okay, I gotta ask this.

Anyone else here have a fine appreciation for truly horrible jokes? Not horrible as in stupid, but horrible as in would get you beaten for telling it in public? Jokes that make the Aristocrat look wholesome?

I don't think it's necessarily an actor thing, but every theatrical venture I have ever participated in has about half a dozen people huddled together swapping these jokes. They are Not Okay jokes, because if you tell them you get dead silence and one guy saying "Dude. That is Not Okay." They are sort of the PhD work of those kids who told "dead baby" jokes in middle school. And the humor is not in the joke, but in how far from acceptable the joke is.

I am NOT proposing we swap them. I just want to know if I'm alone here.

But...
How many politically correct people does it take to change a lightbulb?


I don't know, and that's not funny.

[Stephen Thomas]

More Paddy jokes!

Yours truly,

Tom Wescott

A young Irishman falls in love with a girl and takes her home to meet his mother who looks her up and down and asks what her job is. She relies 'I'm a prostitute'. The mother shrieks and faints flat out on the floor. They throw water in her face and when she comes round she says to the girl 'What did you say you are?'. Again the girl says that she's a prostitute and the mother says 'Oh thank God for that, I thought you said you were a Protestant'.

[c.d.]

Okay, I gotta ask this.

Anyone else here have a fine appreciation for truly horrible jokes? Not horrible as in stupid, but horrible as in would get you beaten for telling it in public? Jokes that make the Aristocrat look wholesome?

I don't think it's necessarily an actor thing, but every theatrical venture I have ever participated in has about half a dozen people huddled together swapping these jokes. They are Not Okay jokes, because if you tell them you get dead silence and one guy saying "Dude. That is Not Okay." They are sort of the PhD work of those kids who told "dead baby" jokes in middle school. And the humor is not in the joke, but in how far from acceptable the joke is.

I am NOT proposing we swap them. I just want to know if I'm alone here.

But...
How many politically correct people does it take to change a lightbulb?


I don't know, and that's not funny.

Hello Errata,

Yes, I know of such a joke. It is funny as hell but if you laugh at it, you will go to hell. There can be no question of that. I am trying to decide if I should post it.

c.d.

[Robert]

I don't like the very bad taste jokes. They have the same impression on me as heavy metal - it feels like I'm being walloped on the head for no good reason.

[louisa]

I naturally only laugh at things that are funny. What is funny is all according to what we like.

However, I think if someone isn't sure about posting something that might cause offence, they shouldn't do it.

[Robert]

It can even be affected by mood, Louisa. I've sometimes laughed out loud at something ( not a sick joke) that left me cold first time around, and vice versa.

[Errata]

Yeah. Swapping sick jokes should be a private activity, especially since a good many of them can be extremely hurtful. I mean, I find them offensive. I just find things that are just off the charts unacceptable to be mesmerizing. Like listening to some self important pompous blowhard get all righteous about things that don't affect him and are none of his business. I just want to stand up and cheer such a dedication to obtuseness. I just find all of that hilarious. I can't help it. So when someone deliberately crafts a joke designed to alienate as many people as possible, Thats funny to me. I am highly prized amongst my peers for being able to imitate the southern intolerant evangelical to the point of being able to pass as one in conversation with them. It's a long set up, but the punchline is worth it.

[DVV]

"L'avantage de la laideur sur la beauté, c'est qu'elle dure" (Serge Gainsbourg)