Jokes

[Blackkat]

[Celesta]

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage
after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her."

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"says the woman."

"But I haven't even touched you,"says the Game Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am,"and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[Limehouse]

[Celesta]

Underwear Dust

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied ..'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'

[Doctor X]

Excellent!

"Hold on . . . get photos of the blood!"

And now, a True: Reenactment of a Haunting!

May not be SFW, your GrandMum--some slight swearing in one part.

Yours spookily,

--J.D.

[Magpie]

Yes, it is a classic . . . Tom Mabe dealing with telemarketer on Bob & Tom Show.

--J.D.

I always laugh at that one

My friend Pete used to have the best way to deal with telemarketers. He had a home office and if they called on his "office" phone he would demand to speak to the supervisor, get the address of the company, then inform them that he was a freelance consultant and his rates were $75 per hour or part thereof and he would be invoicing them for his time.

He always followed through, and more often than not they would duly send him out a check and never call him again. ( He was always careful to claim the cheques as income so there was no legal comeback on him.)

[Doctor X]

Yes, it is a classic . . . Tom Mabe dealing with telemarketer on Bob & Tom Show.

--J.D.

[plang]

funniest joke in history

Have been hesitant to post this, as you could die of convulsions.
Therefore be warned! If you choose to read the following post,do so at your own risk.
You have been warned, and it is definately not for the over-sensitive.
Britons with strong convictions to the monarchy are cautioned in particular.
For adults only...






Sorry. No. Can't do it. Forget about it.

[Stephen Thomas]

A married couple are having an argument. The husband says if she dies before him, he'll put on her gravestone 'As cold as ever'. The wife says if he dies before her, she'll put on his gravestone 'Stiff at last'.

[Stephen Thomas]

One I heard from a French friend today

A man goes into a bar and asks the barman for four glasses of wine.The barman asks him why he needs four glasses of wine as he's on his own. The man says that the other glasses are for his brothers, one for Philippe, one for Louis and one for Pierre. The same thing happens for like every day for a year then one day the man comes into the bar and asks for only three glasses of wine. The barman says 'Oh dear has one of your brothers died?' and the man says 'No, I've stopped drinking'.

[Blackkat]

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/51840/

[Blackkat]

HOLY SH** Mike! That's hilarious!! Yeah cause it's true, we had a couple like that with my father's death. I got so beside myself when I was on the phone to one the customer service guy finally asked " Well ma'am what would you like us to do, we have to wait on his death certificate and it won't be here for at least another week, and there will be another payment added in that amount of time." I was pissed by this time and told him "For the love of F*** I don't know why don't you bright asses send it via gopher mail!"

I hung up.

[steje73]

What does Batman say to Robin before they get into the Batmobile?

'Get in the Batmobile, Robin.'

and;

What's red and invisible?

No tomatoes.

[Mike Covell]

This one came from my friend Josephine and had me in stitches, they say laughter is the best medicine right!!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so
> priceless And so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it
> is today!
>
>
> A lady died this past January, and MBNA bank billed her for February and
> March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and Then
> added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance that had
> been
> £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.
>
> A family member placed a call to the MBNA Bank:
>
> Family Member:
> 'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'
>
> MBNA:
> 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
> apply.'
>
> Family Member:
> 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
>
> MBNA:
> 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
>
> Family Member:
> So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
>
> MBNA:
> 'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to The
> credit bureau, maybe both!'
>
> Family Member:
> 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
>
> MBNA:
> 'Excuse me?'
>
> Family Member:
> 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her Being
> dead?'
>
> MBNA:
> 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
>
> Supervisor gets on the phone:
> Family Member:
> 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'
>
> MBNA:
> 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
> apply.'
>
> Family Member:
> 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
>
> MBNA:
> (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
>
> Family Member:
> 'No, I'm her great nephew.'
> (Lawyer info given)
>
> MBNA:
> 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
>
> Family Member:
> 'Sure.'
> ( fax number is given )
>
> After they get the fax:
>
> MBNA:
> 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I Can do
> to help.'
>
> Family Member:
> 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
> Her. I don't think she will care.'
>
> MBNA:
> 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'
>
> Family Member:
> 'Would you like her new billing address?'
>
> MBNA:
> 'That might help.'
>
> Family Member:
> ' Glasnevin Cemetry, Finglas Road , Dublin 11, Ireland , Plot Number
> 1049.'
>
> MBNA:
> 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
>
> Family Member:
> 'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'

[Steve]

Warning ....

.... for travellers.