Jokes

[Errata]

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[Errata]

Never let anyone tell you YOUR hobby is weird.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__Co6GAaXFw

[Rubyretro]

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's
> supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that
> department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was
> insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back
> room, the boy said to the manager, 'some old bastard wants to buy half a head
> of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing
> right behind him, so he quickly added, 'and this gentleman kindly offered to
> buy the other half.' The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his
> way.. Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got
> yourself out of that situation earlier.' 'We like people who think on their feet
> here.' 'Where are you from son?' ' New Zealand , sir,' the boy replied. 'Well,
> why did you leave New Zealand ?' the manager asked. The boy said, 'Sir, there's
> nothing but whores and rugby players there.' 'Is that right?' replied the
> manager. 'My wife is from New Zealand !' 'Really??' replied the boy. 'Who'd she
> play for?'

[protohistorian]

A guy comes home from work and notices his wife's breasts have grown several sizes. He inquires and she says she has purchased a magic lamp at a garage sale and she rubbed the lamp and wished for bigger boobs. The man runs up stairs, strips to hus underwear, finds the lamp, and rubs it. A voice calls out what is you wish? The man says I want my penis to go to the floor. Poof his legs disappear. Dave

[protohistorian]

As a couple are disrobing to go to bed, the husband observes the wife in front of the mirror looking at her breasts. He observes a look of displeasure on her face. He asks, "What has you upset honey?" She replies," I wish my breasts were larger." He thinks for a moment and says thats is easy to achieve. She turns to him and asks how. He says," take two squares of toilet paper and rub it between them twice a day." She looks at him incerdulously and asks," how is that going to make my breasts larger?" He responds with," it worked for your butt!" Dave

[Derrick]

I mate of mine rang the LibDem's head office the other week to get a copy of their manifesto.
The nice lady on the other end of the line said that they have sold out.
My mate, underterred, replied that he knew that but just wanted a copy of the manifesto nonetheless.

Derrick

[Stephen Thomas]

As a couple are disrobing to go to bed, the husband observes the wife in front of the mirror looking at her breasts. He observes a look of displeasure on her face. He asks, "What has you upset honey?" She replies," I wish my breasts were larger." He thinks for a moment and says thats is easy to achieve. She turns to him and asks how. He says," take two squares of toilet paper and rub it between them twice a day." She looks at him incerdulously and asks," how is that going to make my breasts larger?" He responds with," it worked for your butt!" Dave

Now that's what I call FUNNY.

[c.d.]

Rocket Science A True Story

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the winshield and begged the US scientists for a suggestion.

NASA responded with a one-line memo -- "Defrost the chicken." (True Story)

c.d.

[Zodiac]

Pop Rocks and a Coke please!!! LOL

Rocket Science A True Story

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the winshield and begged the US scientists for a suggestion.

NASA responded with a one-line memo -- "Defrost the chicken." (True Story)

c.d.

Sorry c.d. but I gotta call "BS" on this one!!! Rather, to put it another way I call UL, as that is in fact what this is, an "Urban Legend" and quite a classic one too.

http://www.snopes.com/science/cannon.asp

Now, did you hear about the dead scuba diver they found in the middle of the woods after a big forrest fire??? etc. etc.

Best wishes,

Zodiac.

[c.d.]

Sorry c.d. but I gotta call "BS" on this one!!! Rather, to put it another way I call UL, as that is in fact what this is, an "Urban Legend" and quite a classic one too.

http://www.snopes.com/science/cannon.asp

Now, did you hear about the dead scuba diver they found in the middle of the woods after a big forrest fire??? etc. etc.

Best wishes,

Zodiac.

Yo Zodiac,

I say facts should never get in the way of a good story. Plus it is much much funnier this way.

c.d.

[Zodiac]

Yo Zodiac,

I say facts should never get in the way of a good story. Plus it is much much funnier this way.

c.d.

Very True c.d. very true!!!

I love Urban Legends. I love how they are able to change and adapt as they spread to different areas and different countries, even different cultures in many cases. They also seem to be possessed of a certain "timeless" quality, they seem to be endlessly capable of modifying and/or reinventing themselves so as to always be relevant, current and just about plausible enough to make you believe that it could, maybe, have actually happened!

Best wishes,

Zodiac.

[c.d.]

Question: Why do so many women fake orgasms?

Answer: Because so many men fake foreplay.

c.d.

[c.d.]

A Scotsman goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a prostitute.

He asks her, "How much do you charge for the hour ?"

"£100," she replies.

So he asks, "Okay do you do Scottish style?"

She says "No!"

He then asks her, "I'll pay you £200 to do it Scottish style?"

She again says no, not knowing what Scottish style was!

So he then offers her £300. Again she declines his offer.

So finally he says, "I'll give you £500 to go Scottish style with me!"

Finally she agrees thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over 10 years now, I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad could Scottish style be?"

So she goes ahead and has sex with him, doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Scottish style' come in?"

The Scotsman replies . . . "I'll have to pay you next week"

c.d.

.

[lynn cates]

four

Hello CD. You've likely heard this already, but . . .

A Scotsman is stranded on a desert island for 3 days and as he regains consciousness, a lovely, scantily clad female leans over him.

"Can I get you anything?" she says with a wink.

"Aye, Lassie. I Haven't a bite in aboot 3 days noo. D'ye have something to eat?"

She looks disappointed but returns with a plate of steaming haggis.

The Scotsman can't believe it but devours it quickly and wipes his mouth.

"Can I get anything else?" she asks with a big smile.

"Aye, Lassie. Tha' haggis has made me verruh thirsty. You wouldn't have a wee dram would you?"

She looks even more disappointed but returns with a bottle of 50 year old single malt.

The Scotsman thinks he's died and gone to Heaven. He drains it in a single draught and thanks her.

Taking the direct approach she intones, "Would you like to play around?"

"What?"

"Would you like . . . to play . . . A-ROUND?!!!"

The Scotsman looks at her and replies, "Och, Lassie! Dinnah tell me ye've got a golf course here too!!!"

Cheers.
LC

[Stephen Thomas]

Last night a lady said I was a lousy lover. I've no idea how she could possibly come to such a conclusion after only two minutes