Jokes

[Celesta]

Baptist Shampoo

While shopping in a grocery store, two Baptist church
ladies happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second good Baptist sister
answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she
would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first sister replied
that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack
and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look, so the
good Baptist sister said, "This is for washing our hair."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a
package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. "The curlers are on
me."

[Celesta]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

[c.d.]

A man falls asleep at the beach and gets a severe sunburn especially on his upper legs. With his skin already hurting and starting to blister, he goes to the emergency room. He is put into a bed and the doctor prescribes medication. He tells the nurse that he wants the patient to have an intervenous drip of antibiotics, saline solution, electrolytes, a sedative and Viagra every four hours. How will the Viagra help his condition the nurse asks? It won't says the doctor but it will keep the sheets off his legs.

c.d.

[Stephen Thomas]

A man and wife are in bed and are woken by the phone ringing. The wife tells the husband to go and answer it. He staggers out of bed, picks up the phone, listens a while and says 'How the hell should I know? Ask a lifeguard' and gets back into bed. The wife asks who was on the phone and the husband says 'No Idea. I picked up the phone and some guy asked if the coast was clear'.

[Celesta]

UCLA STUDY

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed
that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending
on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and
masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more
attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in is
forehead while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

[c.d.]

My sister told me that she saw this sign in a store---"Unattended children will be given a cup of espresso and a free puppy."

c.d.

[Celesta]

Comes with a Smile

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell
from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was
well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the
hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

[Suzi]

Heeeeeeeeee Love the $50!!!

[plang]

There you all go pirating my jokes again.

[Celesta]

I'll have you I resemble that remark

Well, I posted it just for you, Rev! Nyuk nyuk!

[Celesta]

Fifty Dollars is Fifty dollars

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every
year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is
fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might
never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty
dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for
the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But
if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of
fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks
over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I
did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm
impressed!'

Morris r eplied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something
when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty
dollars!'

[revpetero]

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....


(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking
efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

I'll have you I resemble that remark

[Celesta]

Good one, Caz!






As fior the above BBQ post, the joke is that it's no joke!

Best...

Celesta

[caz]

Oh Celesta, that's no joke - it's all too true.

Did you hear about the woman who gave birth to identical twin boys, called Amal and Juan? When her hubby arrived at the hospital the nurse brought in one of his new sons to cuddle. "That's Juan", said his missus proudly. "He's perfect", said hubby. "Can I see what Amal looks like now?" And the nurse said, "No need. When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal".

[Celesta]

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....


(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking
efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....