On The Trail Of The Forgers

[Archaic]

The Mystery Is Solved

Unless you think I did it

Love,Caz X

OMG!! That's IT! Of course it was CAZ who wrote the Diary!

How could I have been so blind??
It's the best solution yet.

Now I know the truth, and no one will ever budge me from my position.

Bye, everybody, I'm goin' fishin'! Best regards, Archaic

[quasar]

Steve Powell,

I have a pertinant question to ask about one Michael Barrett, that makes your theory confusing.You say you know who forged the diary. You are saying corrupt people have enlisted the help of authors to use James Maybrick as a patsy to deflect the blame from the real culprit -' the Royal Family'.They were coercered into writing this diary.

In less than a year after it's publication, Barrett comes out saying that he forged it.This must have pissed alot of people off. This has dramatically affected the diary's profit. But more importantly, the Royals have lost thier patsy now.Why did they not come out to denounce Barrett(like Feldman did) to save thier work. Surely they would have whacked Barrett for his high treason?

[caz]

Or for an even better suggestion, how about you post a little more clearly in the first place in order that misunderstandings such as these can be avoided in the future?

Morning Ben,

My advice would be not to read so much more into what I write than the actual words on the page. It's little wonder if your own interpretations seem 'preposterous' even to you.

But this is really quite tiresome because you also claimed only recently to have a vastly superior command of the English language, and yet you are asking me to dumb down just for your benefit. I wish you'd make your mind up.

Right then, I'll attempt to keep this as simple as possible:

I have lost count of the number of times I have described the diary author as a total git for creating it in the first place and foisting it upon us, and pointed out that James Maybrick should not have been given suspect status.

I cannot help it if you missed all the posts concerned, even though I'm pretty sure some were addressed to you and you responded. Perhaps you totally misunderstood again and thought I was actually saying the opposite.

I thought I had also made my feelings pretty damned clear on the subject of setting anyone up as a murderer without anything like sufficient evidence.

Trust you? In your previous post you had 'pretty much everyone' giggling behind my back and now it's some anonymous 'individuals in question' who apparently can't be arsed to speak up on your behalf to make me look foolish instead of you. What's there to trust? Their silence is solid gold.

Love,

Caz
X

[The Good Michael]

Caz,

I have to admit that I was giggling behind your back, but it's because I hung a "kick me" sign there. I know it was childish, but I want to incorporate things like that into the Hutchinson film.

Cheers,

Mike

[caz]

Hi quasar,

Help me out here.

Is Stevie Baby's theory that Ricky Tomlinson was the real culprit?

Or have I got the wrong Royal Family?

"Finger buffet? Finger my arse! Ha ha"

Yep, it might just make more sense than anything I've heard to date.

I suppose it was only a matter of time before the royals were dragged in kicking and screaming to the Powell fantasy machine.

Love,

Caz
X

[caz]

Caz,

I have to admit that I was giggling behind your back, but it's because I hung a "kick me" sign there. I know it was childish, but I want to incorporate things like that into the Hutchinson film.

Cheers,

Mike

Hi GM,

When did you hang this sign? I ask because I've had rather a good week so far. Do you think you could have put "lick me" by mistake?

Love,

Caz
X

[The Good Michael]

Do you think you could have put "lick me" by mistake?

If I did, I would.

Mike

[Ben]

Morning Caz,

But this is really quite tiresome because you also claimed only recently to have a vastly superior command of the English language, and yet you are asking me to dumb down just for your benefit

It's not a question of "dumbing down". It's a question of you making yourself a little clearer first time around. Clarity is an essential trait for anyone interested in good written communication, whereas speaking in strange riddles that leave you vulnerable to misinterpretation is not.

What's there to trust?

Don't trust me, then.

What I am supposed to do - care?

[Steve Powell]

A bag of Loco...

quasar said:

I have a pertinant question to ask about one Michael Barrett, that makes your theory confusing.You say you know who forged the diary. You are saying corrupt people have enlisted the help of authors to use James Maybrick as a patsy to deflect the blame from the real culprit -' the Royal Family'.They were coercered into writing this diary.

In less than a year after it's publication, Barrett comes out saying that he forged it.This must have pissed alot of people off. This has dramatically affected the diary's profit. But more importantly, the Royals have lost thier patsy now.Why did they not come out to denounce Barrett(like Feldman did) to save thier work. Surely they would have whacked Barrett for his high treason?

First off quasar, yes , I do know who forged the diary.
Secondly, I have never said that "corrupt people have enlisted the help of authors to use James Maybrick as a patsy to deflect the blame from the real culprit -' the Royal Family'.They were coercered into writing this diary."
Where did you get the idea that I had said this or even thought this? It is totally ridiculous and wrong.
High treason for Barrett?
Only to himself, nobody else gives a bugger about him now.
If there are any profits from the book quaser, I think I might buy a bag of locoweed and try and forget about this casebook completely.

Steve Powell

[Sam Flynn]

Do you think you could have put "lick me" by mistake?

A rather ribald a cappella ditty written by Mozart for him and his beery friends to sing, Leck mich im Arsch:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHIw-ZfbDSQ

Translated roughly, it goes, "There's no point in grumbling, so lick my arse and be happy". The piece is, as musical Ripperologists will spot straightaway, in the form of a Canon

[caz]

King of Fools

A rather ribald a cappella ditty written by Mozart for him and his beery friends to sing, Leck mich im Arsch:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHIw-ZfbDSQ

Translated roughly, it goes, "There's no point in grumbling, so lick my arse and be happy". The piece is, as musical Ripperologists will spot straightaway, in the form of a Canon

How deliciously tasteful, Sam. We don't even need Suzi's spoons. Let the licking commence!

You know, what I like about you is that we can fuss and fight and argue about all sorts but it's never ever taken personally. Ditto my friend. I'm looking forward to hearing your magnificent Tit Willow again in October.

Morning Caz,

It's not a question of "dumbing down". It's a question of you making yourself a little clearer first time around. Clarity is an essential trait for anyone interested in good written communication, whereas speaking in strange riddles that leave you vulnerable to misinterpretation is not.

Afternoon Ben,

Since you are the only one who thinks I was 'speaking in strange riddles' when I said that I didn't condone what the diary author did, and you managed to do the worst interpretation job in the world by accusing me of saying that James Maybrick deserved what the diary author did, it absolutely must be a question of my having to dumb down just for your benefit.

Either that or you get the wrong end of the stick on purpose so you can bash me with it, unaware that it just makes you look a trifle simple. If I'm vulnerable to misinterpretation by the simple, it's a cross that many would pay good money to bear.

If there are any profits from the book quaser, I think I might buy a bag of locoweed and try and forget about this casebook completely.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

So Stevie Baby, you think it's even remotely possible that you might see profits from your book? Welcome to the club where we all stand accused of trying to rip off the public over the sodding diary. Not enough in the coffers for a couple of porn films or a bath plug.

And I'm sorry, but your 'cry wolf' track record is so well documented that you can hardly blame anyone for believing you have been backing a royal conspiracy theory all along.

On your own right royal head be it.

Love,

Caz
X

[Ben]

Since you are the only one who thinks I was 'speaking in strange riddles' when I said that I didn't condone what the diary author did

How would you know that I was the only one who thought so? For all you know, there could have been several people wondering what on earth you were wittering on about, but couldn't be arsed to pursue the matter any further. You must learn self-scrutiny. Rather than convincing yourself time and time again than anyone who misinterprets your confusing nonsense must be "simple" (which I know full well is less reflective of your true stance than it is of a desire to be as irritating as possible), try a liberal sprinkling of clarity next time around in order that these "misinterpretations" can be avoided again in future.

[caz]

Look sweetness, there could be a million like you, for all I know or care, who don't understand the meaning of 'I don't condone what the diary author did' and find it 'confusing nonsense'. But for what it's worth I didn't think I needed to dumb down any further than I do already when addressing you.

Now I'm going to address everyone, with a very strange riddle that has been liberally sprinkled with more clarity than you may have been asking for.

The year is 2109 and an unemployed film extra called Ike Carrot claims that a dead pal left him the diary of an armchair detective from a hundred years ago. It soon gets published as The Diary of a Hutch Raider and merry hell breaks loose.

See what you make of the text that was handed to me just now by an impatient Dr Who, who can’t be doing with all that ‘time reveals all’ stuff and nonsense:

I’m down on all who dare question me blah blah or my command of English but I no they can’t keep quite and love giving me the chance to copy and paste again and indeed the very thought of them doing battle with me gives me the upmost thrill blah blah blah.

They can bear there fulsome fangs but on balence anyone with half a mind can see threw Hutchinson’s surly Jew. It’s stinkingly obvious blah blah spiking there guns in advance blah blah blah then forced to talk too the papers in order to sure up his pile of bogus witness nonsense with even more bogus witness nonsense.

The parsimonious conclusion is that the Ripper was not being wreckless and had no option but to do his dirties on Mother Kelly’s doorstep. No lodging house inmate could afford choice cuts blah blah so he could of cooked and ate his human offal in the kitchen and blended in with no problem at all blah blah blah. So I, Lord Dover, will cut and paste that damned Fishyman until his ears squeak if he gives me any more Toppy trouble blah blah.

I’ll have Fishy
On a little dishy
Posts a steaming pile of poo
Which I just love the chance to chew

I'll confuse
With a ruse
Using Hutch’s surly Jew -s

Oompa Loompa Dumpadee doo
Lord Dover has more work to do
Oompa Loompa Dumpadee dee
If the world is wise it will listen to me
Oompa Loompa Dumpadee dah
I’ll feed the boards daily without going far
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
Take a few liberties, don’t mind if I do
It’s my wonderful world of Dumpadee poo

-------------------------------

It’s Toppy that will finish me
It’s Toppy that I will regret
Yours truly
Bill the Hutch Raider 2009

-------------------------------

Now I don’t care what anyone says, but this is most assuredly not the work of any reasonably literate early 21st century armchair detective of sound mind or sober habits - apart from perhaps a slightly hopeless Hutch-fingering habit.

But could it just be another OTT grotesque burlesque, like wot the Maybrick Diary appears to have been?

I leave others to ponder this vexing question.

See ya. Wouldn't wanna be ya.

Love,

Caz
X

[Sam Flynn]

You know, what I like about you is that we can fuss and fight and argue about all sorts but it's never ever taken personally. Ditto my friend. I'm looking forward to hearing your magnificent Tit Willow again in October.

Thank you, Caz, m'dear! Reciprocated.

PS: I'll be more than happy to get me - erm - Willows out again

[Ben]

Look sweetness, there could be a million like you

Hmmm....yes, less of the "sweetness" please.

I realise you delight to follow me around all over the place, mentioning me whenever you get an opportunity (it was particularly hilarious to discover you fixating about me on a daily basis on a forum I don't even contribute to!). Things got a little out of hand when you starting admitting to having daydreams about me wearing a codpiece, but I even let that go.

It's all getting a bit tragic now, though.

And I still can't reciprocate that crush.

I realise you are deeply insecure about your own writing abilities, as that issue too crops up in just about every contribution you ever make. It usually results in you making some outrageous gaffe which exposes your ignorance and leaves the rest of us wondering if some teacher made you miserable about it when you were at school.

But funny you should mention diaries. I've just found one myself!

I popped in for a spot of sustenance at Abrakebabra in Shirley, Croydon, the other day, and what should Betty Bingo Wings and Sally Saddle Bags produce from behind the counter but the diary of their old chum.

Here's an extract:

Sod it. Sod it. Sod it. He shall not outdo me. I do yearn for him so, but since he will not reciprocate, I will play teacher and point out perceived errors and typos. They all ridicule me for this, I know, but so what? I'll do it to ALL of them. Ahah! "Uppermost" - that's not a word, the foolish fool. Oh curse and bugger it - it is! Aha "fulsome" he says! Errm...dammit where was I going with that one?

I took refreshment in the Slug and Lettuce and decided: Maybrick it must be. And why not? Is he not the ideal candidate? A titillating toff who commuted into that abyss like a cunning fox? The thought of it thrills me so. But I will not make it obvious. I will be clever - very clever. Well, transparently evasive more like, but we'll stick with clever! Hutchinson? Local nondescripts as rippers? My answer is no, and that foolish fool will rue the day he made the suggestion. I will even use my offspring as weapons against him. Ha ha

Whinge whinge whinge - Mark Papazian! - whinge whinge, double winge - futile pretense at knowing about serial killers - whinge whinge whinge.

A typo here. A type there.

His prose annoyed me, so I cut it off....

But wait - a funny little rhyme will come forth!

Could it be that the bastard who loves to annoy
By insisting that Hutch is our man
Is aware that Sir Jim is the Real McCoy?
Though I speak as a Rippertoff fan.

Could it be that the bastard unleashes his wrath,
When I goad him on Hutchinson threads?
He will tear me to bits. He will foam, he will froth.
How I love being at loggerheads!

Could it be that the bastard is banned evermore
Leaving me to talk crap unassailed?
I will dominate threads with fresh nonsense; be sure.
He will learn that his mission has failed.

Could it be that the bastard makes haste to discuss
Other cases, enhancing his cause?
I will feign greater knowledge and kick up a fuss.
What a way to enjoy menopause!

There are other extracts if you want them.

All the best,
Ben