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THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
14th Dec
My Dearest Darling John,
I went to the door today and the Postman had for me a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a delightful and romantic gift: Thank you darling, with deep love and affection always.
Your Loving Agnes
15th Dec
Darling John,
Today the Postman brought your very sweet gift of two Turtle Doves. I am delighted. They are adorable.
With all my fondest love
Your Agnes
16th Dec
Dearest John
Oh how extravagant you are. I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. I insist you are too kind indeed.
Lots of Love Agnes
17th Dec
Dear John,
I cannot believe it...Yet another present…..this time Four Calling Birds. You really are spoiling me.
Love Agnes
18th Dec
Dear John,
What a surprise. Today the Postman brought me Five Golden Rings, one for each finger . You really are impossible, but I love you. Thank you, I am a little relieved to be honest because all those birds are beginning to get a tad tedious with their constant squawking.
Your ever loving Agnes
19th Dec
Dear John
When I opened the door this morning there were actually six bloody great geese laying eggs all over the doorstep. So we're back with the birds again. Where on earth do you suppose I can keep them all? The neighbours say that they can smell them. I can’t sleep for the noise. Please stop!
Cordially Agnes
20th Dec
John
What is it with you and these sodding birds? Now I've got swans a swimming. Is this some sort of god damned joke or what? The house is full of bird **** and what with all the racke I'm becoming a nervous wreck: So it’s not funny. Stop sending me all these bloody birds.
Agnes
21st Dec
OK Buster
I think .I preferred the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking? Its not enough with all those birds…..now I have eight cows a shitting all over the house, mooing all night....and you dare call those tarts maids?
Lay off smart-ass
Agnes
22nd Dec
Dear Shithead,
What are you? Some kind of nut? Now I have nine pipers playing and Christ do they play, and when they aren’t playing their sodding pipes they are playing with the maids all through the cow ****. The cows keep on mooing and are treading all over the ******* birds, the neighbours are threatening to have me evicted.
You'll get yours. Agnes
23rd Dec
You Dirty Rotten Bastard,
Now we have ten ladies a dancing. How on earth can anyone call these whores ladies is beyond me. They are balling the pipers all night long. The cows can’t sleep and have diarrhoea. My living room is a river of **** and the landlord has declared the building unfit for human habitation.
Piss off, Agnes
24th Dec
Listen Dickhead,
With eleven lords leaping all over the maids, the ladies and me, I may never walk again. The pipers are fighting the lords for the crumpet and are committing buggery with the cows. All the birds are dead and rotting in the cow **** after being trampled down in the orgy, but not before they had eaten my golden rings. I hope you are satisfied!
Agnes
GRABBIT AND RUNN LIMITED, Solicitors
Dear Sir,
We are in receipt of your gift of the 25th of twelve fiddlers fiddling with themselves. We understand this is merely the latest infliction in your sustained persecution of our client Miss Agnes Fullbody, who is at present residing in the Happy Hours Nursing Home. We are under instruction to charge you with the destruction of our clients’ home, sanity and genitals. You are warned not to attempt to contact Miss Fullbody, who has given the nursing home staff instructions to shoot you on sight. A warrant has been issued for your arrest and should be served on you shortly after you receive this letter. Please excuse the cow **** thereupon.
14th Dec
My Dearest Darling John,
I went to the door today and the Postman had for me a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a delightful and romantic gift: Thank you darling, with deep love and affection always.
Your Loving Agnes
15th Dec
Darling John,
Today the Postman brought your very sweet gift of two Turtle Doves. I am delighted. They are adorable.
With all my fondest love
Your Agnes
16th Dec
Dearest John
Oh how extravagant you are. I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. I insist you are too kind indeed.
Lots of Love Agnes
17th Dec
Dear John,
I cannot believe it...Yet another present…..this time Four Calling Birds. You really are spoiling me.
Love Agnes
18th Dec
Dear John,
What a surprise. Today the Postman brought me Five Golden Rings, one for each finger . You really are impossible, but I love you. Thank you, I am a little relieved to be honest because all those birds are beginning to get a tad tedious with their constant squawking.
Your ever loving Agnes
19th Dec
Dear John
When I opened the door this morning there were actually six bloody great geese laying eggs all over the doorstep. So we're back with the birds again. Where on earth do you suppose I can keep them all? The neighbours say that they can smell them. I can’t sleep for the noise. Please stop!
Cordially Agnes
20th Dec
John
What is it with you and these sodding birds? Now I've got swans a swimming. Is this some sort of god damned joke or what? The house is full of bird **** and what with all the racke I'm becoming a nervous wreck: So it’s not funny. Stop sending me all these bloody birds.
Agnes
21st Dec
OK Buster
I think .I preferred the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking? Its not enough with all those birds…..now I have eight cows a shitting all over the house, mooing all night....and you dare call those tarts maids?
Lay off smart-ass
Agnes
22nd Dec
Dear Shithead,
What are you? Some kind of nut? Now I have nine pipers playing and Christ do they play, and when they aren’t playing their sodding pipes they are playing with the maids all through the cow ****. The cows keep on mooing and are treading all over the ******* birds, the neighbours are threatening to have me evicted.
You'll get yours. Agnes
23rd Dec
You Dirty Rotten Bastard,
Now we have ten ladies a dancing. How on earth can anyone call these whores ladies is beyond me. They are balling the pipers all night long. The cows can’t sleep and have diarrhoea. My living room is a river of **** and the landlord has declared the building unfit for human habitation.
Piss off, Agnes
24th Dec
Listen Dickhead,
With eleven lords leaping all over the maids, the ladies and me, I may never walk again. The pipers are fighting the lords for the crumpet and are committing buggery with the cows. All the birds are dead and rotting in the cow **** after being trampled down in the orgy, but not before they had eaten my golden rings. I hope you are satisfied!
Agnes
GRABBIT AND RUNN LIMITED, Solicitors
Dear Sir,
We are in receipt of your gift of the 25th of twelve fiddlers fiddling with themselves. We understand this is merely the latest infliction in your sustained persecution of our client Miss Agnes Fullbody, who is at present residing in the Happy Hours Nursing Home. We are under instruction to charge you with the destruction of our clients’ home, sanity and genitals. You are warned not to attempt to contact Miss Fullbody, who has given the nursing home staff instructions to shoot you on sight. A warrant has been issued for your arrest and should be served on you shortly after you receive this letter. Please excuse the cow **** thereupon.