'It Was a Dark & Stormy Night' Bad Writing Contest- Try Writing One!

[Rubyretro]

I'm really sorry. I just HAD to get more of Trent.. I know that it's 'sad' BUT...Trent is the man for me...here is the most recent episode..

[Trent woke up and could immediatley tell something was wrong. firstly his hand was attached to a torture machine and not a hungarian supermodel and secondly he hadnt been brought a cup of tea. Only coffee. And promises of certain death. He didn’t mind the death threats but the coffee was a bit much. ‘Nevermind the tea, tell me the truth about the secrets.’ Said the boss. He was rubbing his hands together like he was washing them except he wasnt it was because of the evil. Trent opened his mouth to speak then paused for a second, like a Sky television programme affected by light rain. REPARTEE! Trent suddenly made a wry comment! The boss ducked behind a control panel that made people die of lightning and waited for the more uproarious laughter to die down. Very good Trent, Said the boss even though he hadnt really got the joke. trent chuckled and briefly flashed an award winning smile. A 23 year old legal clerks bra fell off in Swindon except she didnt know why. But also a henchman had accidentally looked at it and was giving trent a look that Trent recognised very well. Anyone looking at Trent like that usually would of found themselfs dead or impregnated in the most violent fashion but trent was on a torture machine and as he had previously noted none of the people in the room were hungarian supermodels. Surprisingly this wasnt the biggest mistake he made in that second because he had also opened one of the leg handcuffs on Trent’s leg and before he had even had time to imagine how Trent’s muscular ankle might feel he was already discovering what a cobra style swing kick felt like. He had used to of been a karate judge before he was a henchman and instinctivly he rated the kick among the finest he had ever seen. His appreciation for it quickly went downhill though as it compounded his brain into his jaw and sent him crashing round the room like a puppet with a broken string.Now Trent was free from the leg handcuffs and also the hand handcuffs because of something else he had done and TO BE CONTINUED

[Archaic]

It Was A Dasrk & Stormy Cocktail:Ginger Beer Cocktail Recipe

Just came across an interesting cocktail recipe. It's called a 'Dark and Stormy Night' and is made with that favorite beverage of Ripperologists, Ginger Beer!

'DARK AND STORMY NIGHT COCKTAIL' from the Swig Bar in San Francisco: Pour ginger beer into a highball glass and top with Zaya rum.

If anyone ever tries it, please let me know how it is.

Thanks,
Archaic

[Archaic]

1994 Winner of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest

She wasn’t really my type, a hard-looking but untalented reporter from the local cat box liner, but the first second that the third-rate representative of the fourth estate cracked open a new fifth of old Scotch, my sixth sense said seventh heaven was as close as an eighth note from Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, so, nervous as a tenth grader drowning in eleventh-hour cramming for a physics exam, I swept her into my longing arms, and, humming “The Twelfth of Never,” I got lucky on Friday the thirteenth. — Wm. W. “Buddy” Ocheltree, Port Townsend, WA



Archaic

[Archaic]

2004 Bulwer-Lytton Contest Winner

This Bulwer Lytton Fiction Contest winner from 2004 is "pithy" in more ways than two:

It was only a leaking pustule, but for Billy the Bacterium it was home. — Barry Nester, Jerusalem, Israel


Oi.
Archaic

PS: Many thanks to Admin for waving the magic wand and correcting my mangled thread title!

[Archaic]

2006 Bulwer-Lytton Contest 'Detective Fiction' Winner

Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito
when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you’ve had your last burrito for a while,
whose face said angels did exist,
and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean. — Jim Guigli, Carmichael, CA



Archaic

[Archaic]

Bulwer Lytton Fiction Contest: 2004 Dishonorable Mention Winner

He heard a bang, well not really a bang but more of a crash with metallic overtones of platinum-encrusted steel alloys, hammering against unyielding iron and iridium plates; or maybe it was the clash of huge nickel-zinc rods hitting molybdenum fused sheets of tantalum, then he felt a stab of pain and heard another bang, and wished, instead of using his extensive metallurgy skills to try and analyze the sound, he would have run like hell when he first saw the gun pointed at him. — Ken Loomes, Winnipeg, Manitoba


Archaic

[Archaic]

Thanks a lot, Jason.

I might have to work you in to my own bad fiction...

Grumblingly,
Archaic

[jason_c]

Trent lay back on the bed grinning like a donkey. Well he had something of a donkey but maybe not the grining he chopkicked his legs in the air this was better thn the army ; he puled his hat over his eyes like a tiger. Ruby shrieked ha ha ha ! Bunny wanted Trent but ruby had had been had sex with trent faster than bunny. Hasta la vista bunny, Ruby thought, giving a parting affectionate karaté chop to Trent as she did a fast roll out of the window and slitherd up a rope onto the roof of the skyscraper thev lights of New york at her head..skrrrk

[Rubyretro]

Please tell me he chopkicked Ruby!


Uh... sorry Ruby, but it's my turn.
Archaic

Trent lay back on the bed grinning like a donkey. Well he had something of a donkey but maybe not the grining he chopkicked his legs in the air this was better thn the army ; he puled his hat over his eyes like a tiger. Ruby shrieked ha ha ha ! Bunny wanted Trent but ruby had had been had sex with trent faster than bunny. Hasta la vista bunny, Ruby thought, giving a parting affectionate karaté chop to Trent as she did a fast roll out of the window and slitherd up a rope onto the roof of the skyscraper thev lights of New york at her head..skrrrk

[Archaic]

As with all grate righting its open to interpretation.

If you want to believe he chopkicked Ruby then thats fine, or, he could be protecting her like a knight in shining armour.

Hi Jason.

Yeah, maybe Ruby deserves a night in shining armoire...



I'm picturing it padlocked.



Archaic

[jason_c]

Please tell me he chopkicked Ruby!


Uh... sorry Ruby, but it's my turn.
Archaic

As with all grate righting its open to interpretation.

If you want to believe he chopkicked Ruby then thats fine, or, he could be protecting her like a knight in shining armour.

[Scorpio]

Hi Scorpio, your story totally rocks!

You've turned that bumbling, opium-swilling Abberline into a Trent-like manly-man!

I especially like the lines "his noble shadow", "chunky bullets", and "The beast turns and runs into the bowels of the cemetery, the soles of his rubber sandals slapping ominously." Poetry; sheer poetry.

What's the title? And when does the next chapter come out?

Your fan,
Archaic

Glad you like it; but its not as bad as it should be. I consider sandals to be the creepiest thing that a serial killer can wear, after the bow-tie and wig.
I may develop ' Abbeline: The dark avenger ' in the future.

[Archaic]

A hawkish shriek cried out from the bedroom window as a storm blew outside, inside the bedroom was stormier as Trent unloosened the lady's bodice; for it is in rubyretro's bedroom we set our scene, gusts of passion blew thickly in the air, outside a single cloud penetrated the moons spherical outline[for despite being a stormy night it was also relatively cloudless] SKRRK SKRRK Trent heard behind him.....suddenly he chopkicked without knowing why!!

Please tell me he chopkicked Ruby!


Uh... sorry Ruby, but it's my turn.
Archaic

[Archaic]

2004 Bulwer Lytton Contest Winner- Detective Fiction

"The knife handle jutted from her chest like one of the plastic pop-up timers in a frozen turkey, but from the blood pooling around the wound,
it was apparent that this bird wasn’t done." — Alaine Sepulveda, Las Cruces, NM


Now that's detective fiction!
Archaic

[jason_c]

A hawkish shriek cried out from the bedroom window as a storm blew outside, inside the bedroom was stormier as Trent unloosened the lady's bodice; for it is in rubyretro's bedroom we set our scene, gusts of passion blew thickly in the air, outside a single cloud penetrated the moons spherical outline[for despite being a stormy night it was also relatively cloudless] SKRRK SKRRK Trent heard behind him.....suddenly he chopkicked without knowing why!!