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And then there's this kind of thing : second comment, the one beginning "To all the..."
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Clearly a very verbally gifted individual... he gets a lot of mileage out of a single word.
Maybe the contest could have an extra category for unfortunately written YouTube comments? I've seen more of that ilk.
ArchaicComment
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More Winning Entries from The Contest
Here's a few more winning/runner up entries I liked:
The Prince looked down at the motionless form of Sleeping Beauty, wondering how her supple lips would feel against his own and contemplating whether or not an Altoid was strong enough to stand up against the kind of morning breath only a hundred year’s nap could create. — Lynne Sella, Susanville, CA
Anton was attracted to Angela like a moth to a flame – not just any moth, but one of the giant silk moths of the genus Hyalophora, perhaps Hyalophora euryalus, whose great red-brown wings with white basal and postmedian lines flap almost languorously until one ignites in the flame, fanning the conflagration to ever greater heights until burning down to the hirsute thorax and abdomen, the fat-laden contents of which provide a satisfying sizzle to end the agony.
— Andrew Emlen, Skamokawa, WA
She lay next to him that night, regretting sleeping with another while they were broken up, knowing she had done nothing wrong but feeling vaguely unclean, like freshly washed, once-folded laundry that has been shoved off the bed onto the floor and slept on by the dog. — J. J. McClanahan, Tyrone, GA
ArchaicComment
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I think we should have an anachronisms section :
As the psychopath stabbed and slashed at poor Mary, reducing her to a lifeless pulp, her dying thought was : "This is bad enough, but I didn't even get a shower out of it."Comment
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Another Winner
Here's another contest winner:
Mac was the crustiest ex-LAPD homicide detective with three ex-wives, two mortgages, a greedy daughter wasting time at college, a gay son playing acid-blues punk in some Sacramento dive, and a liver that had been bitch slapped by cheap vodka so many times it looked like a bag of yellow fat, who ever walked into my floral and gift shop.
— Robert Salsbury, Veradale, WA
Damn, wish I'd written that!
He set the bar pretty high.
ArchaicComment
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"The Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword"
Just to be fair, Bulwer-Lytton wasn't always a terrible writer. He wrote the immortal line "The pen is mightier than the sword".
It occurs as a line in his 1839 play 'Richelieu' The title character, Cardinal Richelieu speaks these lines:
"True, This! —
Beneath the rule of men entirely great,
The pen is mightier than the sword. Behold
The arch-enchanters wand! — itself a nothing! —
But taking sorcery from the master-hand
To paralyse the Cćsars, and to strike
The loud earth breathless! — Take away the sword —
States can be saved without it!"
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So to honor Bulwer-Lytton, I wrote a Bad Fiction entry based upon his immortal line. I sorta spiced it up with the topic of a recent Casebook thread.
“Fool- the pen is mightier than the sword!” Cardinal Richilieu scornfully scrawled to his arch-enemy as the blood gushed from his carotid artery.
Hmm, think I'll actually enter this one.
Your literarily,
Archaic
Last edited by Archaic; 05-26-2012, 02:36 AM.Comment
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Annie Chapman displayed the patience of steel while hawking her lumpy lumpen corpus that last night as her brain throbbed with a "boom, boom, boom" incessantly because in her head a Lilliputian Philharmonic was playing the "Anvil Chorus" -- allegro -- and her legs had all the stability of a scarecrow's pants filled with thin porridge after running a marathon."To expose [the Senator] is rather like performing acts of charity among the deserving poor; it needs to be done and it makes one feel good, but it does nothing to end the problem."Comment
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Ooooh... The Maestro has arrived.
Superlatively awesome is its dreadfulness, Soup!
But what if the wind changes and your writing stays that way??
(Gulp.)
Archaic
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Bunny,
There are some, I'm sure, who would consider that effort an improvement on my usual standard. Though, I suspect most of them have trouble with my JtR opinions rather than my word crafting. LOL.
As it is, I can think of a couple of posters (no names, please) who could give a stroke a hole in a wretched-writing contest and still win going away.
Don."To expose [the Senator] is rather like performing acts of charity among the deserving poor; it needs to be done and it makes one feel good, but it does nothing to end the problem."Comment
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I posted this link before but it received no replies. Some of the funniest "bad writing" you'll ever read. As you read on you realise its the work of a pretty high standard.
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showt...p?t=2055716814
Chapter 1
A man in a hat entered the room. He took off the hat. “It's you!” They all said. At the same time like a class speaking to a teacher. “Hahaha Hello gentleman”, the man in the hat said, putting the hat on the table. “And hello ladies he said. Turning to the ladies and lifting his hat politely. “Leave us alone Trent!” The women said. Perhaps it was because the were angry at him for something he had done in the past, a long, long time ago. Or perhaps it was because he was holding a gun at them! The gun came from nowhere. He had got it out of his pocket and now both bullets were aimed at the people.”Say your prayers!” The man said but one of the men grabbed the gun, knocking the table with the hat on it and some other things on the floor. A vase got broken. Now the gun was in the other hands and we would have to wait and see if it was the right hands.Comment
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Hi Jason.
Hasn't that story been made into an action film yet?
It's wonderfully awful; thank you!
ArchaicComment
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Contest Winner- The Ladies Will Like This One
His knowing brown eyes held her gaze for a seeming eternity, his powerful arms clasped her slim body in an irresistible embrace,
and from his broad, hairy chest a primal smell of “male” tantalized her nostrils; “Looks like another long night in the ape house” thought veterinarian Abigail Brown as she gingerly reached for the constipated gorilla’s suppository.
— Paul Jeffery, Oxford, England
ArchaicComment
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Thanks so much Jason for your link...I was feeling really down tonight, but finished the evening with tears of laughter..I'm a big Trent fan now..
"so this is london" said Trent as he looked out the taxi window. He was looking for the ambassadors house but all he could see was heathrow airport, the statue of big ben and oxford circus, then suddenly he saw it! "stop the car!" ordered trent, the man started braking but trent didnt have time for that and opened the door out on to the m25! The taxi driver shouted for him to stop but trent had already jumped and was rolling up to the door of the ambassadors house! The ambassador knew something was wrong maybe because of the training he had got off the army or maybe because of trent was smashing his door down! Trent was going to get to the bottom of this if it killed him or more likely if he killed evryone else. The ambassador had his own gun and was pointing it at the door ready to shoot Trent but then the window smashed and that was the way Trent had come in so it was all a big surprise and he grabbed the ambassador and the ambassador dropped his gun. Trent asked him about what had happened and then killed him just then the ambassadors wife came in. You could tell she fancied trent "Your a woman.Normally i would either have sex with you or kill you" siad trent "but i'm out of bullets". She smiled and started walking towards him. CRACK! Trent broke her neck with a sickening karate chop that probably would of even killed a man or any animal you can think of, a lion easily. not an elephant lets not be silly but it was a hard chop.Comment
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"She stood on the edge of the precipice and thought « shall I, or shan’t I ? » On one hand all her family had just been killed, she was in huge debt, her husband was leaving her for a younger woman, and her home was about to be repossessed…but…but..the laundry basket was piled high, the dish washer needed to be stacked, and the stairs swept, and so, with a sudden insight into the importance of her life, she turned away and went home."
I rather like this one..Comment
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