Jokes

[ClarkesYard]

didnt find it amusing i guess ?

No no it's fine. I heard one very similar going round when Steve Wright was caught... that should probably go in tasteless jokes...

[Celesta]

Grandma's Pills

The doctor who has been seeing an 80-year-old woman
for most of her life
finally retired. At her next checkup, the new
doctor had told her to
bring a list of all the medicines that had been
prescribed for her. As the young
doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew
wide as he realized she
had a prescription for birth control pills.

'Mrs. Sanders, do you know these are BIRTH
CONTROL pills?

'Yes, they help me sleep at night.'

'Mrs. Sanders, I assure you there is absolutely
NOTHING in these that
could possibly help you sleep.

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's
knee.

'Yes dear, I know
that logically. But every morning I grind one up
and mix it in the glass of
orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter
drinks, and believe you me,
it helps me sleep at night.'




Yep, that would bring peace of mind!

[Celesta]

Amy, a blond, marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial
insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down
to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the
nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde,
asks, 'Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know
this is the cow to be bred?'

'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very
confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray
tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her
shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

Chalk up one for the Blonde! . . It's nice to see a
blonde winning one once in awhile.

[Graham]

Paddy comes onto the Antiques Road Show dragging a huge tin box behind him.

"What you got there, then?" asks Eric Knowles (who he?, my American audience asks)

"Ah God, dis has been in me attic for years and years, and I'm tinking it contains family heirlooms of incalculable, and difficult to calculate, value".

"I see", Knowles says. "And is it insured?"

"No, sir", says Paddy. "Should it be?"

"I think so", says Eric. "It's your friggin' water tank".

Graham

[Blackkat]

I was walking down the street when I was accosted
by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless woman who asked me for a couple
of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked,
'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it
instead of dinner?'

'No I had to stop drinking years ago,'
the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping
instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,'
the homeless woman said.
'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon
instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman.
'I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going
to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked..
'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm
dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks
like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

[Graham]

I think I posted this one on the old sire...

Miriam and Hester, two Jewish ladies of a certain age, go to the zoo. They see the elephants and the camels, but what really grabs them is the gorilla.

"Oy, look at him!" sez Miriam.

"Oy, oy! A big boy he is, eh?" agrees Hester.

What they don't know is that the gorilla is, er, in season. So he leaps to the bars of his cage, pulls them apart, seizes Miriam, pulls her in and has his way with her.

Two days later, Miriam regains consciousness to see Hester at her bedside.

"How you feel, sweetheart?" Hester asks.

"How you think I feel? He hasn't phoned, he hasn't written....".

Ah well.

Graham

[dougie]

A duck goes into a pharmacy.
asks the assistant "have you got anything for this cold sore on my lip"
" Certainly mr duck" the assistant replied "Here you are ,a cream for your sore lips, That will be £3 exactly,how will you be paying ? cash or credit card?"
"Oh I dont bother with cash or cards" the duck replied.."just put it on THE BILL"

[cats meat man]

My girlfriend isn't speaking to me and all because I wouldn't open the car door for her the other day.
It's not my fault I panicked and swam to the surface!

[Mike Covell]

If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago, it would
now be worth £4.95.
If you had gone for HBOS, earlier this week your £1000
would have been worth £16.50,
and £1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5,


BUT if you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all,
then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would get
£214. So based on the above statistics, the best current investment advice
is to drink heavily and re-cycle.

[caz]

How do you turn a bird into a singer?

Microwave it until its bill withers.

[Celesta]

A Couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One
summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day.
She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one
thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance
around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander
off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick
exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the
cops, but since they didn't know
for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed
that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic
devices?'
He hadn't and said so.
Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and
go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really
doing.'
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping
up & down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband
and then leave.
The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

'Well, Is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly.

'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

'Well, what is it then? What does she do ?' his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'

'Batteries?' cried the wife.

'Yes!' he replied.


'She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!'

[Mike Covell]

Not a joke but...

This landed in my email inbox this morning, I read it, then re-read it, then rolled about laughing!!

Hello,

How are you today?,I hope you are fine.If so thank be to God almigthy.my name is Anna johnson,23 years from Liberia in Africa. I am single girl looking for honest and nice person.Somebody who care and fear God whom i can partner with .I don't care about your colour or ethnicity.I would like to know you more,most especially what you like

and what you slike.I'm sending you this beautiful mail, with a wish for much
happiness.I am looking forward to hear from you,
again. Thanks and be blessed. Love
from,Anna.
annajohnsonn1@yahoo.com


Go on, you know you want to!!

[Redsmith]

Saveloy with that?

[Celesta]

Busload of Politicians

A busload of politicians was driving down a country road when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.

A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't ... but you know how them politicians lie!"

[Blackkat]

Ten things to say about gifts you don't like


10. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that would've fit.

9. It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.

8. Perfect for wearing in the basement.

7. Well, well, well...

6. I really don't deserve this.

5. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!

4. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

2. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

1. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.