Jokes

[DVV]

A cannibal and his son are walking along a beach and see a good looking young blonde lady sunbathing topless. The son says 'Hey, dad, I've got a good idea. Why don't we take her home and eat her'. The father says 'I've got a better idea, son. Why don't we take her home and eat your mother.'

Good one, Stephen ! I'll test it "à l'apéro" today...........................

[The Good Michael]

Paddy and Michael were coming home from O'Hanlon's pub on Paddy's motorbike, when the wind picked up a bit, and Paddy was asked to stop.

"It's freezing to death I am." said Michael.

"Jaysus you're stupid." Said Paddy. "The wind is blowing right through the buttons of that old coat you;re wearing. You need to turn it around backwards to keep the wind out."

Michael did so and the pair continued on their way. After a time, Paddy realized that Michael wasn't complaining. In fact, Michael was no longer on the bike. Paddy turned the bike around and went back the way he'd come. Soon, he came to a smalll crowd gathered around something or someone. Paddy, knowing it had to be Michael, ran up to a farner standing near. "Jaysus, Mary and Joseph!" He exclaimed. "That's my friend. Is he going to be all right?" "Well," the farmer answered, "He was speaking coherently until we turned his head back around."

[Stephen Thomas]

My girlfriend Ruth fell off the back of my motorbike but I drove on ruthlessly

[The Good Michael]

My girlfriend Ruth fell off the back of my motorbike but I drove on ruthlessly

Probably nearly noiselessly too. I hope that was a true story.

Mike

[Rubyretro]

Paddy and Michael were coming home from O'Hanlon's pub on Paddy's motorbike, when the wind picked up a bit, and Paddy was asked to stop.

"It's freezing to death I am." said Michael.

"Jaysus you're stupid." Said Paddy. "The wind is blowing right through the buttons of that old coat you;re wearing. You need to turn it around backwards to keep the wind out."

Michael did so and the pair continued on their way. After a time, Paddy realized that Michael wasn't complaining. In fact, Michael was no longer on the bike. Paddy turned the bike around and went back the way he'd come. Soon, he came to a smalll crowd gathered around something or someone. Paddy, knowing it had to be Michael, ran up to a farner standing near. "Jaysus, Mary and Joseph!" He exclaimed. "That's my friend. Is he going to be all right?" "Well," the farmer answered, "He was speaking coherently until we turned his head back around."

That is absolutely fabulous , Mike!

I am furiously practising my irish accent to be able to tell it in french.

[The Good Michael]

Wait... practicing Irish accent to tell it in French... does not compute. Circuit overload.

Mike

[The Good Michael]

On old Irishman goes into a bar and orders 3 pints. He places one in front of each of three chairs and then proceeds to drain them in order. He asks for another round and then does the same. The waitress asks him about this custom. 'Ah." he says, "You see I had two great friends back in Kilkenny, Mick and Kieran. We promised each other that if we ever separated we'd drink a pint for the others every day. As I'm the one that's gone to New York, I promised I'd come into a pub every day and share a pint with them, though they aren't with me."

The waitress thinks this is a cute custom and every day, like clockwork, the old man comes into her pub and drinks one or two rounds for his friends. One day the man comes in and the waitress notices he's lost the spring in his step. He quietly orders two pints and the waitress, seeing something is wrong, comes over to him. "Let me just say I'm sorry for the loss of your friend." She says.

"What do you mean? " asks the old man.

"Well, I see you've ordered just the two pints and I thought..."

"It's not like that." He explains. "I'm a little down because the doctor told me I had to give up drinking, so I can only have the two for Kieran and Mick."

[Rubyretro]

exchellente, Moike..

[c.d.]

Two Irish Catholics are walking down the sidewalk across the street from a notorious neighborhood brothel when they saw a well-known Baptist minister, collar pulled up, come down the stairs from the place. “Aw, Mike, ‘tisn’t it a shame that a man of the cloth should be visiting such a foul place?”

Within a few seconds, the minister is followed by a rabbi. “Aw, now, would you be lookin’ at that fine Jewish gentleman? Wouldn’t the people at the synagogue be shamed by that sight?”

They were still within sight of the front door when a Catholic priest scuttled out the door. “Oh, for pete’s sake, Pat, would you look at that? One of the girls must be deathly ill!”

c.d.

[Sister Hyde]

alright.

3 storks are sitting at the pub after a hard working day. One says "pfff I'm so tired, I just delivered a baby to Australia" the others ask "really?? so far???", "yes this couple was trying for so long, they were desperate so I brought them a baby". the other says "I had to fly up to America to deliver a baby girl". Then the 3rd stork says "well...I took it very easy today, I just flew above the convent and back". The two other storks were a bit confused and asked "why the hell would you fly to the convent? We're not supposed to deliver babies there"... "Yeah I know, I just love to scare the hell out of them!!"

[The Good Michael]

So a nun is on her knees fellating the Holy Father...

Oh sorry. Maybe for another thread.

Mike

[Sister Hyde]

So a nun is on her knees fellating the Holy Father...

Oh sorry. Maybe for another thread.

Mike

is there a "lewd jokes" thread?

[The Good Michael]

No, I was just joking about a joke.

Mike

[Sister Hyde]

I know, otherwise it wouldn't have made me laugh

[Errata]

Ok. A laugh you don't have to feel guilty about or look over your shoulder to make sure no one is watching.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/basset-hounds-running