My story

[Jasper]

Could I get some feedback on my story I've written on Jack the Ripper? It's called Ripper and is from Jacks point of view. thanks!

[Jasper]

here is my story hope you all like it and please leave comments I want your opinions thanks!

[TomTomKent]

here is my story hope you all like it and please leave comments I want your opinions thanks!

My advice would be to decide what youwant this story to be. If it is going to be a fourteen page short story choose one style and stick to it. Either it is a discussion between two minds in two fonts, or it is a memory narrated as in the opening paragraphs, or it is the pseudo journal that starts part of a way through. Choose one voice, one style, and stick to it. The story will seem more consistent and flow better. You could get away with two devices, the more prose like openeing and the journal entries perhaps, if one was a framing device for the other, but you would need to think carefully about the pacing.

The devices you use are much more at home in a longer narrative, like for example Dracular, where alternating chapters and different threads of the story, get to feel like tales in their own right and have more room to establish themselves.

I would go for a narrative, told to us by the Ripper, but as though he was in the room telling the story, not as a journal. Too often your story sounds like it is a more traditional prose with the journal dates added as a gimmic, rather than entries somebody would right as a journal. So stick to where your strength lies.