Originally posted by rjpalmer
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Now normally I sit here with a wee devil on one shoulder (who wants to play havoc with the Barrett tale by illustrating in mock-text how utterly implausible it would be for the Barretts to have been involved in a hoax) and an angel on the other (who just wants me to stick pretty much to the facts of the matter in order to serve a similar purpose by highlighting the chronological, logical, and factual difficulties presented by the Barrett tale). Today, it seems the angel has won the day, and has written a version of events which really should make you stop a while and ponder on whether or not your own version was particularly compliant with the known facts.
Let's see how the conversation probably went in reality …
Earl: "Hello? Mr. Williams? This is Martin Earl.”
Barrett: “You must have the wrong number. My name’s Barrett not Williams. Who are you?”
Earl : “Martin Earl. H.P.Bookfinders.”
Barrett: “Oh yes. That’s probably me then.
Earl: “I am afraid that I am having trouble filling your highly unusual request. Blank Victorian diaries are hard to come by in the year 1992."
Barrett: (aside) "Bloody Hell! That Doreen woman expects me in a fortnight.
Earl: "Hello? Are you still there, Mr. Williams? I mean Mr Barrett.”
Barrett: "Yes, yes, this is Mr. Williams. I mean Mr Barrett.”
Earl: "As I was about to say, I did locate a small 1891 De La Rue’s Indelible Diary and Memorandum Book. It’s 2.25” by 4”, dated 1891 throughout – three or four dates to a page. Nearly all of the pages are blank and at the end of the diary are two Memoranda pages. On one of the two pages someone has written in blue biro ‘EATON PLACE’ and on the other ‘ETON RISE’. Then there are four blank pages and on the last one is written in blue biro ‘ 19 W at 3 = 57 19 W at 4 = 76’. Would that interest you?"
Barrett: (mumbles) “1891? It’s close enough I suppose...”
Earl: "Hello? Did you say something, Mr. Williams? I mean Mr Barrett.”
Barrett: No, I mean yes, I mean, I’m not Mr Williams Yes, yes, send it. I would be very much interested in seeing what 20 blank Victorian pages look like. I hear that 20 blank pages look very different from 18 blank pages or 5 blank pages. That's why I asked for at least 20 blank pages. It's a sort of Zen thing. The more blank pages, the more you realize what blank pages look like. I've always been curious about the appearance of blank pages and …"
Earl: "Well this one isn’t exactly blank, Mr Barrett. As I said, it has the dates printed on every page – 1891, on every page, three or four times on each page.”
Barrett: “1891 on every page, three or four dates to a page?
Earl: “In line with the number of days in the typical week Mr Williams, I mean Mr Barrett.”
Barrett: “And nearly all of those pages are blank?
Earl: “Or partly used as specified but mostly all blank. In fact to be entirely honest it has only three completely blank pages which I appreciate isn’t quite the “at least twenty” you were interested in seeing for your Zen analysis. If it is unsatisfactory you are under no obligation to buy it or I can post it this afternoon.
Barrett: "Right. Please hurry, I have a woman in London waiting for me. And can you address it to Mr Barrett, please.”
Earl: “You’re good for the cash, Mr Barrett, if I send it on trust?”
Barrett: “Oh yes. You can trust me and that’s the God’s Honest Truth and what have you.”
[Two days later]
Barrett (opening the package): "Small? That rotten Earl! This thing is a bleeding postage-stamp! Sugar lumps - now what will I do?”
Anne: "O you idjit! You paid 25 pounds for that? Why don't you ever think? We’ve been planning this since 1989 and you’ve had from roughly round about January, February 1990 to write the story which you said would be a best seller and couldn’t fail and find a blank Victorian diary or something for me to transfer the text into disguising my handwriting. In fact, don’t you remember, I even purchased a red leather backed diary for £25 through a firm I found in the 1986 Writers Year Book and when it arrived you decided it was too small? So now the same thing has happened again two years later!””
Barrett: “Oh sugar lumps”
Anne: ”What have you actually said to Doreen about going to London with the diary?”
Barrett: “I told her as soon as Caroline’s Easter holidays begin on Monday April 13th I’d get a train to London and be there first thing in the morning.”
Anne: “Great. So you’ll be travelling at peak time. How much is that going to cost me? We’re already £50 down on this scam and we don’t even have a diary to show! So we’ve now got about two weeks to find something – that’s fourteen days, Mike - and then I’ve got to find the time to transfer those twenty-nine pages of narrative you have on your word processor assuming you’ve even finished it, whilst disguising my handwriting and checking your spelling. I doubt whether the ink will have even dried on the pages”
Barrett: “Do you think they’ll notice that the ink is fresh? I could take some blotting paper in case. Anyway at least we’ve still got some of that small bottle of Diamine Manuscript ink left that we purchased from the Bluecoat Chambers two years ago for less than a pound. It’s probably more expensive now so we’ve saved something. And we’ve got the three fountain pens we bought from the Medici art gallery in Bold Street that will hold fountain nibs. You know, those little brass nibs. In fact, just to be on the safe side, I bought 22 brass nibs and a variety of small brass nibs. That only cost us...
Anne: “You don’t have to go to London on Monday April 13th, of course. You could ‘phone up Doreen and say you’re ill and under doctor’s orders not to leave the house for at least a month. That would give us more time.”
Barrett: “I can’t do that.”
Anne: Why not?”
Barrett: “It would be lying.”
Now, this version takes into account all of the things Barrett claimed rather than simply the bits which suit your and Lord Orsam's argument. It is up to our readers to decide whether or not the Rules de Bongo permit you to ignore the awkward bits which don't work for you and focus solely on those aspects of the tale which do your ever-so-slightly-biased work for you.
By the way, the devil on my other shoulder still wants to have his say (just for jolly) and I may well unleash him but first we'll let the angel's voice be heard ...
Cheers,
Ike
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