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Old 12-06-2018, 08:48 AM
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caz caz is offline
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Default What's for Brexfarce? May contain nuts

So listen up, you ‘orrible lot. You will recall that the school governors all voted to give you a say about sticking to jam sponge or plumping for carrot cake, in our firm belief that you were all bright enough to know instinctively what would be in your better interests. 48 of you voted to keep today’s jam, but 52 went for tomorrow’s carrot.

We do appreciate that nobody had a clue, when we gave you the vote at the end of the school year, about the recipe, the ingredients, the cost or quality of the carrot cake, nor indeed whether the jam sponge currently still on the school dinner menu is actually yummier and better value than any carrot cake on offer. But rest assured we will honour the majority decision, which is final and binding [that’ll be the eggs], and deliver on the carrot cake come what may.

Yes, the only carrots on the school dinner table may turn out to be rotten, hard to swallow and leave a bitter taste, but while a large minority of you are bound to feel threatened and slightly queasy, a promise to the small majority is still a promise, so in the great tradition of school dinners circa 1960, you’ll all jolly well get your carrot cake and eat it. Carrots mean carrots. Long thin shrivelled ones, short fat slimy ones, I’m going down the garden to collect what Mr McGregor dangled in front of me.

Er, where was I?

In case any of you children are wondering, this is not a punishment, nor is it the end of the world. Some of you are saying it would be ‘more’ democratic if we were to let you vote again, now you are in a better position to compare jam with carrots, and of course the oldest who voted have left us for the great university in the sky, while the youngest batch have arrived too late to have any say at all. Well yah boo sucks to them, I say. We simply can’t let the current pupils vote on this, because it would be a stab in the back for the 52 [minus last year’s leavers] who originally asked for carrot cake, even if it destroys the lining of their tummies. Not that I suspect for one moment that a new and better informed pupils’ vote would go the other way, oh dear me no. It's all about the principle of the thing. And I'm the principal.

School dinners are likely to cost more, so parents would have to fork out the extra and pocket money may go down. But you will all have learned a couple of valuable life lessons along the way: you can’t have everything, and some things are better wished for than received.
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Last edited by caz : 12-06-2018 at 08:56 AM.
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Old 12-06-2018, 09:12 AM
Scott Nelson Scott Nelson is offline
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What about the nuts Caroline? Do they stay or do they go?
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Old 12-06-2018, 09:22 AM
Robert Robert is offline
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Notice from the school governors :

We now realise that it was quite wrong to give little urchins like you the choice of what to eat. You are clearly too stupid to make the decision. But rest assured, we know what's best for you, and we've decided that you shall in fact have the jam sponge. We governors are all experts on jam sponge and carrot cake - even though we ourselves only ever have caviar and champagne. We hope that every night you pray for your betters, who feed you - and that includes you, Twist!

This will be a huge relief to most of you, because we're reliably informed by someone-or-other that you have nearly all changed your minds, and would much prefer the jam sponge. This at least was a wise decision on your part, as the alternative was mass starvation, nuclear war, and the end of 'Strictly Come Dancing.'

One or two of you have been overheard saying that we governors are getting backhanders from the makers of the jam sponge. This is a most scurrilous suggestion! We are all upright citizens - that's why we were elected. Again, one or two people have been saying that we should perhaps re-run the governor elections, so that the voters can have a chance to change their minds. But that isn't possible, because we've just decided to cancel all future governor elections. So there!

Happy eating!
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Old 12-06-2018, 09:40 AM
Jon Guy Jon Guy is offline
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Jam !!
Lucky so and so
Must be a southern thing.
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Old 12-06-2018, 09:55 AM
Bridewell Bridewell is offline
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Caz, are you by any chance a Private Eye reader?
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Old 12-06-2018, 10:18 AM
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caz caz is offline
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Not for many years, Colin.

And I don't pretend to know what's bad for all concerned or less bad. I just don't see anything on the table that looks good. Thankfully I'm not allergic to nuts, so I've been able to watch the live debates on the telly without suffering from shock.

Love,

Anna Fellactic
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