Cricket, lovely cricket

[Monty]

More intelligent than me? Please. I’ve taken dumps that are more intelligent than you.

And you wonder why you're single Adam. Your patter is soooo silky. The sheep must flock to you....baaaaa.

Back in 2005, when we beat you then, you reassured me that you had the young talent coming through. Well that talent is here today and just got slaughtered. Your reassurances hold no credibility mate.

I sit on my ample arse, you talk out of yours.

You seriously want me to take more money off you? I told you, you've had enough. I'm not cruel to dumb animals, especially wounded ones.

We've got the urn and we're taking it home. Accept our superiority and leave it at that.

Monty

[Adam Went]

Monty:

So basically you sit on your ample arse and do nothing all day then. Yes?

More intelligent than me? Please. I’ve taken dumps that are more intelligent than you.

It’s very kind of you to have your input on what’s wrong with my team, and how crap we will be for a while to come, but what I get to see that you don’t is the talent that’s coming through the state ranks at the moment. For instance, there’s an 18 year old kid that plays for New South Wales, a left handed middle order batsman, named Nic Maddinson – will be an absolute star in years to come. Just to name one. I assure you, the future is very bright indeed. And you will see that when we wipe the floor with you in 2013.

If you’re so confident, why don’t you put your money where your mouth is, eh?

Oh yeah, Prior is a fantastic keeper – that’s why he’s getting dropped for the ODI series, is it? Actually, I feel a bit sorry for him. He’s only, what, 26 or 27, and he’s already completely bald – a total chrome dome. Actually, most of your team is either bald or going bald. Must be the Pommy air. Perhaps they should have a word to Warney or Jacques Kallis. ;-)

Cheers,
Adam.

[Monty]

Yes Adam,

You're a nice boy alright. Zzzzzzzz

Me? I've signed the Official hush hush act, can't tell you. Suffice to say I'm not nice. Someone has to do the nasty stuff.

Half my age, half my wit (ergo 'witless') and half my intelligence.

Your future isn't bright at all. I warned you. I told you McGrath, Warne and Gilly would go and then you'd be waining. I warned you that I saw no talent coming through at all. This is you for the next 5 years at best. Ponting will go next and pow, the downfall is complete.

We have now accomplished what we set out to do after our last series defeat to you. Win back to back series. That includes winning in your back yard. We didn't just win, we taught you a lesson. Your team has average talent and cannot handle the pressure. Your fans are shocking. You only support when they are winning and run away, as you did, when getting stuffed. They add to the pressure with false expectations and then, when it collapses around their ears they turn upon their already shellshocked team.

Our team out performed yours on the field, our supporters out performed yours in the stands. Our bats out gunned yours hugely. Our bowlers crushed your batsmen, best sustained bowling I've ever seen. And Priors Keeping was sublime. Go look at the extras, that is a combination of excellent bowling and keeping.

And dear boy, this team has some mileage to go. All relatively young. Broad to return, Bresnan to slot into Collys place.

We've won the urn, and we're taking it home.

And the way I see it, its gonna stay there for a fair few years.

Nasty mean Monty

[Adam Went]

Natalie:

What about Perth then?
Loving these short memory spans….

Monty:

I fail to understand how correcting your grammar makes ME “witless” – I think you’re just embarrassed to be constantly corrected by somebody half your age – an Aussie at that. It’s understandable.

What do I do? Actually, I’m a storeman by day, amongst a variety of other roles inclusive in that. Then aside from that I’m always working on writing and journalism, be it the next Ripperology article, or local projects – there are a couple of them coming up which I am very much looking forward to. And then on top of that, one or two afternoons a week, I do voluntary work for a local animal shelter for the homeless and neglected. See, I’m a nice boy. So why can’t you be as nice?

And what is it that you do exactly?

Give Smith and Hughes a break, they are only my age, they’ve got years to become the superstars that they will be – remember, Shane Warne took 1 for 150 odd on debut as well. “The future’s so bright, I gotta wear shades!”

Steven:

You can PM me your e-mail, if you’re too ashamed of yourself to post it up here…

Cheers,
Adam.

[Steven Russell]

What do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an Oxo cube?

A laughing stock.

Nice!

Poor old Adam. Can I PM you my email address for GSTQ?

Best wishes,
Steve.

[Stephen Thomas]

What do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an Oxo cube?

A laughing stock.

[Monty]

Ah,

Sunk to the level of grammar police now huh? Last bastion of the defeated and witless.

What's that? You suck willy for bus money and then walk home anyway? I really wish you'd keep your private life to yourself....

Oop, getting personal now? I love pushing your buttons. Dance for me, go on, dance.

Thats what I like about you Adam, so sophisticated. You sit there in your BBQ sauce stained string vest, gut hanging out, in front of the TV, giving it a load of hard yabber with a tinny in yer hand...wait, thats not a tinn.....eeewwwwww, put it away son.

You work? Come on, what you do? Chicken Boner? Bet you are. You Bone Chooks dont you?

3 inning defeats mate, 3 inning defeats....Ill (oop, grammar Police) I'll say it again. 3 inning defeats.

Hughes, Beer n Smith are your future. Oh Christ, Id be depressed if I were you. And bitter. Yes, you are indeed bitter. I dont blame you. We have a better cricket team, better rugby team and we are far better looking.

Never mind, you still have Dame Eda. She is funny, at times, when she pulls that funny face....its a man you know. Bet you didnt, got you through puberty didnt she?

Monty who has made his donation to The McGrath Fountation even though his team HAMMERED yours.

[Natalie Severn]

Fantastic and what a win-what a victory for England ! Lets celebrate that Monty! Ignore the sour grapes ---a win was completely and utterly out of their reach!

[Adam Went]

Monty:

What's that? You suck willy for bus money and then walk home anyway? I really wish you'd keep your private life to yourself....

Oh my goodness, he just cannot stop making an a*se of himself. You were beaten by a fecking innings Adam. Not once, not twice but three times. That is a tad more than stumbling across the line, thats crushingly humilliating.

5-0 > 3-1.

First part, relying on past glories. Cant bear the reality of the now huh? Its a common trait amongst those who have suffered traumatically.

I have no trauma, being that some of us actually have jobs, Monty (yes I know, shock horror), and (fortunately) weren't able to sit through most of the series!

That it? Is that what you are reduced to now. Collingwood has been the worlds greatest fielder since Rhodes and Swanny was still too good for you. Go look at his stats lame ass.

Yes, top fielder, Collingwood. Shame about the whole batting and bowling thing, eh?

Now Monty, please, if you're going to continue to make those laughable attempts at being insulting, at least do it with proper punctuation.

Cheers,
Adam.

[Monty]

It never ceases to amaze me just how much you Poms mouth off and celebrate after every now and then managing to stumble across the line and record a victory.

Adam didnt just type that did he? Let me read that again.

It never ceases to amaze me just how much you Poms mouth off and celebrate after every now and then managing to stumble across the line and record a victory.

He did. Oh my goodness, he just cannot stop making an a*se of himself. You were beaten by a fecking innings Adam. Not once, not twice but three times. That is a tad more than stumbling across the line, thats crushingly humilliating. If it was a boxing match thats one punch out mate.

As I said before, when your team has held the urn for 16 years straight, then we can talk about comparing teams…..so you’ve got 14 years to go. Good luck! It bothers me nowhere near as much as you would all like to think – there are bigger fish to fry than a game of cricket.

First part, relying on past glories. Cant bear the reality of the now huh? Its a common trait amongst those who have suffered traumatically.

Second part, lost interest now your team has been shown for what it truly is, a 2nd rate test nation. Yeah, you carry on with your Take That fan club. Garys never let you down has he? No, no he hasnt.

At least we succeeded in ending the career of Paul Collingwood (speaking of cheats) and showing that Swannette is not the best spinner in the world….

That it? Is that what you are reduced to now. Collingwood has been the worlds greatest fielder since Rhodes and Swanny was still too good for you. Go look at his stats lame ass.

Not going to send me a copy of that home made 'video'. Just as well, Id get the RSPCA on to you if I saw it.

Anyway, here are some ditties to cheer you up loser.

Take the Urn Home

We came over from old Blighty
The Barmy Army and me
Around Brisbane town we did roam
6 quid for a pint, a grand for a flight
With Strauss our captain, we'll take the urn home

So hoist up the John B sail
See how the mainsail sails
Call for the captain ashore
Take the urn home
We'll take the urn home
We'll take the urn home
With Strauss our captain
We'll take the urn home

Ricky Ponting's a broken man
Without Warne he has no plan
He tries to carry the team all on his own
He's losing his hair
But we don't care
'Cos Strauss our captain will take the urn home

So hoist up the John B sail
See how the mainsail sails
Call for the captain ashore
Take the urn home
We'll take the urn home
We'll take the urn home
With Strauss our captain
We'll take the urn home

Graeme Swann is a caring guy
Rescues cats in his spare time
Now he's gonna tear the Aussies apart
They can't read his spin
And so England will win
'Cos Strauss our captain will take the urn home

So hoist up the John B sail
See how the mainsail sails
Call for the captain ashore
Take the urn home
We'll take the urn home
We'll take the urn home
With Strauss our captain
Wel ARE taking it home


Can you still remember

CAN YOU STILL REMEMBER
WHEN YOU WON 5 - 0
BUT IN THIS DECEMBER
IT'S A DIFFERENT SHOW
YOUR FANS DON'T EVEN BOTHER TO COME
YOUR BOWLERS WOULDN'T FRIGHTEN MY MUM
YOU NEED WARNIE AND I THINK YOU KNOW..


The Mitchell Johnson Song

He bowls to the left, he bowls to the right,
That Mitchell Johnson, his bowling is sh*te

Monty

[Adam Went]

It never ceases to amaze me just how much you Poms mouth off and celebrate after every now and then managing to stumble across the line and record a victory. Anybody would think you’d been starved of success or something! Oh….wait….

As I said before, when your team has held the urn for 16 years straight, then we can talk about comparing teams…..so you’ve got 14 years to go. Good luck! It bothers me nowhere near as much as you would all like to think – there are bigger fish to fry than a game of cricket.

At least we succeeded in ending the career of Paul Collingwood (speaking of cheats) and showing that Swannette is not the best spinner in the world….

Cheers,
Adam.

P.S. As I am unable to video record my version of GSTQ, it will have to be sound recorded only. Anybody who is sick and twisted enough to want a copy, better post up their e-mail address, as I don’t believe sound files can be attached on here (?). That of course excludes Monty – you ain’t getting a copy, at least not off me.

[Steven Russell]

Personally, I rather like Johnson. Seems like a decent bloke to me. But I was amused to read that Pietersen unnerved him by asking repeatedly for Johnson's 'phone number. Seems like we not only are in the ascendency with batting, bowling, and fielding, we now are getting to grips with sledging too.

Adam, my dear old thing,
After weeks crowing about how superior your cricketers are, in the certain knowledge of their utter inferiority, you resort to the rather childish argument that Australia is better than England so it doesn't really matter! Oh dear. It's really too sad.

Incidentally, I have a theory about why you lot are so good at swimming: it's due to a deep-seated urge (possibly genetic) to return to the Old Country where things such as art, culture, manners, and history all survive. Although, admittedly, our lack of Minogues has been severely compromised.

Admit it - your boys were thoroughly trounced, Ricky made a fool of himself, and none of your "inspired" selections (Hughes, Smith, Beer, Khwaja, Hilfenhaus) were able to perform at test standard. By the way, what's up with Hauritz?

Outclassed in every department sums it up.

Shame about Warne's TV show getting cancelled as well (actually I mean this).

I agree with an earlier post of yours that Test cricket is in a precarious position. It needs a good Ashes battle to survive. So let's hope the next crop of baggy green wearers to visit our shores can put up a better fight.

Best wishes,
Steve.

[Monty]

Quote of the day - Always a downbeat character, a maudlin look never far from his face, Johnson has undergone a prolonged character demolition in the last six weeks. You think he'd be kicking himself, but with his accuracy he'd probably miss.

Monty

[Monty]

Monty:

I don't care how many runs he has scored this series, Cook still has the worst technique of any opening batsman I have ever seen. And i've seen Marcus Stresscothick. Again, I can only echo what you've said to be in times gone by - enjoy it while it lasts, as this is simply a slight blip in our awesomeness.

A mate of mine said something to me the other day which I think sums it up pretty well.... "We may have lost the Ashes, but hey, at least when we wake up tomorrow morning, we'll still be living here, and they'll still be living in England." The urn is irrelevant when you think of it like that....

Bring on the footy season!

Cheers,
Adam.

Oh Adam,

Poor deluded little Adam. You talk such utter rubbish sunshine.

The urn is irrelevant? Go look at you posts over the last weeks. I beg to differ.

Cook is the best batsman in the series. Certainly better than ANY AUSSIE BAT. He is the man of the series and completely dominated your pi$$ poor attack. Christ he is averaging 127 for the series. And the records the man has broken, here, read this for your education.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/cricket/article-1344509/ASHES-2011-Alastair-Cook-stats-record-breaking-batsman.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

Your mate? mate? You fool no one my friend...heh heh mate my arse.

Lets talk about Hughes blatent attempt at cheating. Thats probably the worst attempt at cheating I have ever seen. The ball bounced and he claimed a catch. Awful, disgraceful and shameful.

Then, on top of that, your players refused to applaud when England players got their tons. I can understand that though, so many hundreds scored by Englishmen in the series their hands must be battered and bruised from all that clapping.

You are staring down the barrel of yet another inning defeat by England. 3-1 flatters your team because, apart from 3 days in Perth, we have completely dominated Australia. Your boys are woeful. And I see no future for your new breed. Johnson is laughable, Hughes is nowhere, your future Captain has no clue whatsoever.

As Great Douglas Jardine said 'We got the B*stards down there, and we will keep em down there'.

And we will.

Monty

[Adam Went]

Monty:

I don't care how many runs he has scored this series, Cook still has the worst technique of any opening batsman I have ever seen. And i've seen Marcus Stresscothick. Again, I can only echo what you've said to be in times gone by - enjoy it while it lasts, as this is simply a slight blip in our awesomeness.

A mate of mine said something to me the other day which I think sums it up pretty well.... "We may have lost the Ashes, but hey, at least when we wake up tomorrow morning, we'll still be living here, and they'll still be living in England." The urn is irrelevant when you think of it like that....

Bring on the footy season!

Cheers,
Adam.