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To Kill Again

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  • #16
    Hi Robert,

    Tried to email you at the address in your reply, but it just bounced right back at me.

    Darren.

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    • #17
      Let me try again...

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      • #18
        Got it. I reread ep1 over the weekend. Ill read them tonite. Thanks.

        Robert
        there,s nothing new, only the unexplored

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        • #19
          Just read Episode 2. Man, does it ever ,,pick up,,! After rereading Ep1, i,m finally on-board with the story you are trying to tell. I thought it was a historical at first, but now i ,get, how you are using the major characters. So you can eliminate some of my prior notes.

          The dialogue has gotten better from Ep1. I like that you,ve added some comedic elements, a good way of engaging the audience. The part about> Dyson: I,m looking for a man... Woman: So am I. < He,s lost a lot of qualities that annoyed me in Ep1, and he,s more approachable. Also, enjoyed the line ,,follow that cab,,. Not expecting it to ever be used on hansoms, but it works.

          You might consider reaching out to DJA. I haven,t seen him on the board much lately, but he,s looking for someone who can write a script along the lines of The Departed, which seems like something you can handle.

          Ill email you my suggestions. After reading Hercule Poirots comment about non-disclosures, i don,t want to create any ,,sticky dave,, situations.

          Still, i,m finding it an addictive read. After a decade of vampires and zombies, about time the supernatural villain be the divil himself

          St. Devil
          there,s nothing new, only the unexplored

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          • #20
            Thank you, Sir Robert.

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            • #21
              So I finally took the plunge and stuck the first episode up on Smashwords.com and the Kindle Store. Let's see what happens...

              https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/643660

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              • #22
                Hi there,
                Did you make any serious changes in the final compared to the version we read?

                P.S. I couldn't send you a chapter or two of my novel. The hard drive where it was located crashed and is currently being hopefully restored by Best Buy's geek squad. Back up copies I had didn't include my latest corrections!!!

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                • #23
                  Hi Hercule,

                  I made a couple of changes, but nothing too drastic as that would've impacted on the story as it develops. Sorry to hear about your computer woes -- they're great when they work! I did add my email above and would love to read the chapters when you're ready to share. If you want another couple of episodes of To Kill Again, I can mail them over to you if you let me know your email.

                  All the vest best,
                  Darren.

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                  • #24
                    Hi HP

                    Sorry to intrude but I couldn't miss the opportunity to point you towards my own time travel short story (the one currently below this one, "Be careful what you wish for") that I put on the site earlier this year, mainly because you mention that if you knew where and when the crimes were going to take place, you would simply go there and apprehend him. Well, if you read my piece you may see an angle on that!

                    Secondly, any critisism good or bad is always gratefully received!

                    regards,

                    Tecs

                    Originally posted by Hercule Poirot View Post
                    Please allow me to offer you some comments, the kind I suspect any litterary agent would provide you with regarding the plot.

                    For the moment, let's put aside the quantum mechanics time travelling theory and the 'grandfather paradox' which even if it could be possible would only work at the photon level and not at a higher one.

                    The problem many would have with 'Time Travelling Ripper Hunting' is that knowing the murder locations, approximate times of death, any hunter would have waited for JTR and caught him before the first murder. Now Dyson arrives on the night Stride is geting killed and does nothing about it! No explanation of the bad time sync!

                    If Dyson knows where the Ripper lives, why didn't he just get him and bring him back. What makes him sure the Ripper will still be at the same address? Instead, Dyson tries to convince Schwartz to inform the police, prefering to catch himself the Ripper but only after he would have killed Mary. Why alone, why wait til the end? No clue whatsoever!

                    The POTUS calls upon Dyson because "there’s no one else more qualified on the subject within a police department anywhere in the world" although nothing leads us to valid that claim prior to that statement besides a short mention of the Ripper on page 5 ("You’re London’s leading authority on something nobody gives a **** about").

                    One last question, even if the USA managed to invent the time machine, why the hell is the POTUS asking Dyson to catch the Ripper instead of informing the British police authorities? I think only Americans enjoy seeing movies where only Americans can resolve a problem. Investing in the myth of the American Heroe is a risky business!

                    I maybe wrong but Edmund Reid was in charge of the investigation, Abberline coordinating things between Scotland Yard and H division.

                    I must however say I really enjoyed reading the pilot. The introduction of the characters is quite well done besides the point made above. The rythm is good although we only get to the beginning of the core on page 34. I'm aware it's the first episode, but I reccommand reviewing its time mapping allowing the eventual viewer to get a quicker idea of what might be going on, without falling into the 3 act quicksand pit.

                    Please don't take it bad. I know quite well how demanding writing a fiction is. I'm only 'words' away from finishing a historical fiction involving JTR after having gone through 3 complete re-writes, beta-reading with the help of a couple of professionals and more to be done soon, etc. Don't worry, the plot has nothing to do with time-travelling.

                    Never doubt about the need you have to write. Only you can make the decision to carry on or not. So trust yourself and keep doing it.

                    Respectfully,
                    Hercule Poirot
                    Last edited by Tecs; 10-05-2016, 04:07 PM.
                    If I have seen further it is because I am standing on the shoulders of giants.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Hi RSD

                      Excuse me for intruding but as you mentioned that this story needs people to know a little bit about JTR already, I couldn't resist the chance to point you towards my own effort ("Be careful what you wish for") which should be next to this one on the site. Only because I did it years ago but had no idea where I could "publish" it as it required people specifically to know a bit in advance or they wouldn't get some of the references.

                      Shameless I know!

                      regards,

                      Tecs

                      Originally posted by Robert St Devil View Post
                      Hello DAH1968.

                      Thanks for posting your screenplay on the forum. That takes some intestinal fortitude. Hercule Poirot is correct - if writing is what you desire to do best...

                      You obviously know where you want to take your story, and you seem to have nailed down its direction. Opening on Polly Nicholl's murder is smart, and there seems to be some inspiration re: her dialogue.

                      Unfortunately, my list of Moans & Groans runs deep. I offer them constructively even if they come across bitterly:

                      1. not very big with the shades of race - "Japs", profiling your antagonist
                      2. don't like your protagonist at all. He's a tool who has to one-up everybody & wins too many of the exchanges. He doesn't like anyone, so why would anyone like him? He doesn't have to like the President, but he shouldn't be able to get over on him. Much more effective if the exchange had occurred like this:

                      Dyson: Can I call you Joe?
                      President: (smiles curtly) No, you may not. (continues affably) blablabla

                      3. There's no establishment of the story of Jack the Ripper prior to his arrival in London88. The audience has to know the details of Jack the Ripper to understand what's going on. Most people think of Jack the Ripper as a bogeyman who killed 1500 prostitutes during Charles Dickens time (an exaggeration). They wouldn't know Schwartz from Stride.
                      4. The marvel of time travel is glossed over. There's no sense of amazement of what the East End is during the Victorian era. No gas lamps on Whitechapel Road or hawkers or intimidation by the population. He just shows up & gets stabbed.
                      5. I'm guessing that the murders pick up again in modern day times. But the story rushes over the C5 without much regard (exception being, Polly Nicholls). It's putting you perilously close to Time After Time.


                      A FEW SUGGESTIONS

                      1. Make your protagonist a woman, like this Sara character. She could be a relative to someone familiar to the case. It could be part of the time travel aspect, like "We want to send you back in time because your great-aunt was a neighbor of Mary Kelly; and part of time travel permits you to take over the body of previous relatives."
                      2. Increase the suspense of it being a one-way ticket. As in, "If you're not standing at Spot X on Nov 15th, 1888, your aunt will recover her body, and you'll be lost to time."
                      3. I would keep the car blowing-up scene. That way, you could explain it as "If your lost to time in 1888, you'll just end up being a woman who died in a car explosion in modern times, who we altered time to save for the purpose of going back in time ."
                      4. Give her an artifact as part of the time travel process. She has to be holding a gold watch on Nov 15th, 1888, and the watch just happens to be the same one Jack the Ripper has obtained 'somehow', and is wearing the night of Kelly's murder. Thus, her imperative need to apprehend him.
                      5. Also, making her a woman has other advantages in that Jack the Ripper may be inclined to murder her because she is 'his type'. The story of Jack the Ripper has no knights in shining armor saving the day.
                      6. Make the East End part of the story.
                      If I have seen further it is because I am standing on the shoulders of giants.

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                      • #26
                        Hi DAH,

                        I just wanted to message you to apologise for using your story to point people to my own time travel story! To be fair there were a couple of references people made that got my attention and so I sent the posts as you can see above. Sorry for hijaking you though!

                        Best of luck with this, I haven't read it yet as my computer is up the wall with viruses and can't download anything etc but I will soon as it's fixed.

                        regards,

                        tecs

                        Originally posted by DAH1968 View Post
                        Wow, not a single reply. I guess that answers my question.
                        If I have seen further it is because I am standing on the shoulders of giants.

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Originally posted by Tecs View Post
                          Hi HP

                          Sorry to intrude but I couldn't miss the opportunity to point you towards my own time travel short story (the one currently below this one, "Be careful what you wish for") that I put on the site earlier this year, mainly because you mention that if you knew where and when the crimes were going to take place, you would simply go there and apprehend him. Well, if you read my piece you may see an angle on that!

                          Secondly, any critisism good or bad is always gratefully received!

                          regards,

                          Tecs

                          Hi there Tecs,

                          I haven't found your text ("Be careful what you wish for"). Give me a link, and it would be a pleasure for me to offer you my comments. Hoping to become an author, I'm only a writer like many out there. So my comments would have to be understood in that context.

                          As for my novel, I've finished writing it and am currently working on pre-publishing aspects before I make available on Amazon. If it might interest you and other, here's a link to my book blog: http://jardinerodemerida.blogspot.mx/

                          I should be adding a new article in a day or so.

                          Respectfully,
                          Hercule Poirot

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Originally posted by Tecs View Post
                            Hi DAH,

                            I just wanted to message you to apologise for using your story to point people to my own time travel story! To be fair there were a couple of references people made that got my attention and so I sent the posts as you can see above. Sorry for hijaking you though!

                            Best of luck with this, I haven't read it yet as my computer is up the wall with viruses and can't download anything etc but I will soon as it's fixed.

                            regards,

                            tecs
                            No worries, Tecs. Yeah, feel free to check it out when you get your pooter back up and running. It's growing quite a following and I'm up to episode nine now.

                            https://www.smashwords.com/books/byseries/25476

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              Originally posted by DAH1968 View Post
                              Hi guys,

                              Thanks for the add. I've been a 'fan' of Jack for years now -- if that's the right word! -- and stumbled across this brilliant site while doing some research. In my limited spare time (kids, work, etc.!) I write TV and movie screenplays. I've had a couple of things optioned in the states, but nothing that's yet been produced. Anyway, I've recently finished a 12 part TV drama series based on the exploits of Jack, but am considering turning it into a novel, or a series of books, or even just floating it online as a script if it doesn't sell; which given the state and ferocity of the TV pilot market it probably won't. I'm just trying to gauge if you think Jack still sells, or has it been done to death now? Would the below logline interest you, intrigue you, and/or compel you to read/watch it? Does the self-made cover entice you? Additionally, if anyone fancies reading a couple of 'episodes,' you'd be more than welcome; I've attached the pilot to this post (I think!). Thanks for taking the time to read.

                              TO KILL AGAIN
                              A London detective is sent back in time by the US government to apprehend and return for trial the world’s most infamous serial killer: Jack the Ripper. When the Ripper escapes and the murders begin again, the detective must hunt him down and discover the real reason for his capture; and how Jack the Ripper is the only man on earth that can prevent a devastating global war.
                              It's not really my cup of tea, nothing against you or your work, but I just don't really see any reason for fictional stories about factual killers. It'd be like reading a book or seeing a movie in which Fred West is brought back to life to go on a killing-spree for a mad German scientist. In terms of taste, I find it tasteless, despite the gulf of years since those murders.

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