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Piece of Chalk

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  • #16
    Beware Beware
    The deadly lair
    The miscreant of Mitre Square!
    'Catch me if you can, i'm the cats meat man!'


    • #17
      Beside my knife, so sharp and cool
      A piece of chilly chalk I feel
      Perhaps that is a nice, fine tool
      With which a funny joke to deal

      I rush along, through street and lane
      A piece of clotted cloth I hold
      Cut off of her, the whore just slain
      For something silly that she told

      Inside a door, so moist and dark
      The place for funny pun to play
      I want to do this on a lark
      But find no stupid word to say
      So I just drop the relic rag
      And get the hell away!
      "You can rob me, you can starve me and you can beat me and you can kill me. Just don't bore me."
      Clint Eastwood as Gunny in "Heartbreak Ridge"


      • #18
        Sam, if we just had some kind of prize we could award for your effort we would. Also, Jon Guy's poem in post 5 is a favorite of mine.

        I revised this one a little.

        Upon the Night

        Upon the night Jack was espied
        It was the night two women died
        The fiirst he cut her, Lizzie Stride
        And then so quiet a pony shied

        An evil surging all through him
        The syph a’sucking at his vim
        The vile man goes out on a limb
        And searches by the city rim

        Sweet Catherine upon the Square
        He’s evil dear, please be aware
        But no, he hacks her up right there
        And then heads back unto his lair

        He pulls up by the public bath
        And writes The Jews will have the wrath
        The dark cloaks down now round his path
        But the dear ones souls we know God hath.
        Sink the Bismark


        • #19
          Originally posted by Roy Corduroy View Post
          Sam, if we just had some kind of prize we could award for your effort we would.
          Thanks, Roy - but I just realised I was missing a couplet from each verse. Here's a new version y'all can sing along with...

          THE LITTLE(CHILD) LIST SONG (Version 2.0)

          If someday it should happen that a suspect must be found
          I've got a little list, I've got a little list
          Of American malfeasants who are often leather-bound:
          The mad self-flagellist, the sadomasochist.
          The type of man who dresses up in women's underwear,
          Who tucks his thing between his thighs, pretending it's not there.
          The sort who boasts of conquests, but who never conquered aught,
          Who chases after women, but who’d rather not get caught,
          And who, confronted with some shag, would rather do the twist -
          I've got 'im on the list, I've got 'im on the list.

          There's the sort who'd wax satyrical his handlebar moustache,
          The dandy facialist - I've got him on my list;
          The guy who hangs out with the boys and showers them with cash,
          He never will be missed, he never will be missed.
          The advertising quack who bores with tales of countless cures,
          The sort who likes to tie you up, and jab your skin with skewers;
          The type of man who’d thank you if you spanked him on the bum,
          Who’d rather like the Navy - if it wasn’t for the rum.
          And he who, clapped in manacles, would slip one off the wrist -
          That randy herbalist, I've got 'im on the list.

          There's the man who pickles matrices and keeps them in a jar,
          The hysterectomist - I've got 'im on the list;
          He may have done a moonlight flit, but won't get very far,
          That escapologist - he'll not for long be missed.
          For I have put upon his tail a colleague from the Yard,
          Who'll not fail to re-arrest him; well, it surely can't be hard!
          He'll chase him over continents, and make his life a Hell
          Then he'd take him to the station, where we’d bang him in a cell -
          And if we don't, he'll not evade the ripperologist
          Who simply can't resist to keep him on the list.
          Last edited by Sam Flynn; 10-04-2009, 02:04 AM.
          Kind regards, Sam Flynn

          "Suche Nullen" (Nietzsche, Götzendämmerung, 1888)


          • #20
            Batchelor was his aide de camp
            They went looking for the scamp
            Hired a hansom, plucked a stem
            Always searching just for him

            Next he threatened Bombatard
            Landing him in prison yard
            Chinese whispers in the gaol
            Pegged Le Grand the man from Hell
            Sink the Bismark


            • #21
              Then comes poor old Robert Mann
              Spent his life in Oakum Land
              Hey! the gent who penned the porn
              Just one hundred copies born

              Cops in Gotham on the case
              Daggers from Inspector Race
              Sip a milk while changing clothes
              Pimp a boatload full of Joes
              Sink the Bismark


              • #22
                Originally posted by Roy Corduroy View Post
                Barnett Bury Pizer Ape
                Man with Gladstone bag and cape
                Koz and Cohen went insane
                Jim was cuffed on Cottage Lane

                Pimple Blaster Dr. No
                Oops it’s Bond we’ll take it slow
                Rode a train from Liverpool
                Puckeridge was known to drool

                Feigenbaum is he a fit
                Issenschmidt he had no wit
                Cambridge don or Fogelma
                Did a butcher break the law

                How did he make such escapes
                Packer packin more than grapes
                Did he shave or grow a beard
                William Bull got drunk and weird

                Inquiry made at the Hague
                Meantime floats the young Montague
                Dresden hears from Lowenheim
                Oliphant was so sublime

                Catch a Slav’ll get er’ done
                Pedachencko hey there’s one
                Vassili and Ostrog too
                Might as well throw in Raspue

                Draw a cirque la miscreant
                Diagram it to an ant
                Sketch a line, connect the dot
                Toss a dart see whatcha got

                Came from Hull to bed the ward
                Stranger crossed to land of Bard
                Fred found barber man too late
                Why did Hutch wait by the gate

                Royals Masons water basins
                Stop at fountain stash the arpon
                Cutbush Levy Hyam Hyam
                Sion Square the coppers spy em’

                Grainger Fleming Deeming whaler
                Gone to hop so hold the bailer
                Was artiste the letter mailer
                Uncle Tom the Cobley nailer

                Cream said Me I was the one!
                This is just plain too much fun
                If I missed your favorite son
                Have a go at posting one.

                Really enjoyed that.


                • #23
                  I wrote a letter Dear Boss
                  Stalked the old gals from the doss
                  And 'cause I don't give a toss
                  I told em' all I am Cross
                  Sink the Bismark


                  • #24
                    Jack the Ripper
                    Is the bane of Scotland Yard,
                    All the Bobbies too
                    For though they seek him here,
                    And seek him there,
                    When an unfortunate is dead,
                    Jack the Ripper's never found!

                    "Inspired" by "Macavity" from "Cats"-- sorry, Mr. Eliot...
                    Pat D.
                    Von Konigswald: Jack the Ripper plays shuffleboard. -- Happy Birthday, Wanda June by Kurt Vonnegut, c.1970.