Jokes

[Blackkat]

What women want in a man at age 22:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What women want in a man at age 32:

1. Nice looking (preferably with hair)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What women want in a man at age 42:

1. Not too ugly (bald head is fine)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What women want in a man at age 52:

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What women want in a man at age 62:

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What women want in a man at age 72:

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

[Blackkat]

Two Scotsmen had been pals since childhood and had shared everything over the years. One day, Angus won a rare bottle of Scotch in a door prize.

Immediately, Jock says "Open it up and we'll have a dram."

"Naw, ah'm goin' tae save it for a special occasion."

Birthdays came and went, his anniversaries came and went, but Jock could never get Angus to open the bottle.

Finally Angus had a heart attack, and was laying on his deathbed. He motioned for his old friend to come closer. "Jock, remember that rare bottle of Scotch I won?"

"Aye, ah certainly do, Angus!"

"Weell, ah like ye tae do me a favor Jock, my dear friend."

"Aye, anything ye ask Angus."

"When ah'm dead, wid ye take that bottle an' open it up--"

"Aye, Angus, then what?"

"Wid ye pour it over ma grave?"

"Pour it over yer grave? My god Angus. It's 40 year old Scotch! But I'll do it for ye."

"Oh, ye're a real pal Jock, and ah'll appreciate that."

Jock says, "There's just one thing Angus, wid ye mind if ah filter it through my kidneys first?"

[Robert]

Two very aged music hall comedians go to the funeral of a third. They're standing by the grave and Fred says to Harry,

"How old are you now, Harry?"

"I'm 87."

"Hmm. Not much point in you going home, is there?"

[Suzi]

Two very aged music hall comedians go to the funeral of a third. They're standing by the grave and Fred says to Harry,

"How old are you now, Harry?"

"I'm 87."

"Hmm. Not much point in you going home, is there?"

It was Robb Wilton and Harry Tate Robert in a graveyard near Brighton where they'd driven to from London in Robb's chauffeur driven Roller and stopped at every pub on the way! ......and allegedly true!! A truly lovely image and one I always catch myself quoting at funerals!!! (Oooooops)

[Robert]

Hi Suzi

And then there was the comic (was it Dan Leno?) who was obliged to enter a lunatic asylum for a while. On seeing a clock on the wall he asked, "Is that clock right?"

The doctor said, "Yes."

He said, "Well what's it doing in here then?"

[Blackkat]

Ah so true

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
You better pray that will come out of the carpet.

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
Because I said so, that’s why.

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
Shut your mouth and eat your supper.

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
Stop acting like your father!

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
Just wait until we get home.

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
You are going to get it when you get home!

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.

19. My mother taught me ESP.
Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
You’re just like your father.

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!

[Suzi]

And if you're ever wondering what the Italian Electricity Board is.... DONT type in GENITALIA into Google........leads to all sorts of unpleasantness!!!!

Robert...... I LOVE that story and I think it was the divine Mr Leno (although what he was doing there I don't know.............reminds me of that story about the QM on a visit but will have to get it right before I type it!!!

[Mrsperfect]

Not exactly a joke, but I think it's hilarious!

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.


The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.



Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.


This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.



2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.


So which is it?


If we accept the postulate given to me by Sylvia during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Sylvia kept shouting "Oh my God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[Suzi]

He he great one!!!! On that note I've got a lovely memory from teaching....
An English teacher friend loved to quote the response from a seriously UNDERimpressed 15yr old when asked her opinion on the newly read 'Brave New World'.........(to be read in a Pompey accent)....'S'Crap Sir.......its prophetic!'

[Blackkat]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful
and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the
Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee,
so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with, so
she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did
not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned the
other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to
suspect the worst.. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck
to her butt that said.....”From all of us at the Fire Station…
we'll never forget you."

[Tom_Wescott]

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she

couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Blackkat]

http://www.scottsmind.com/cartoons/scottsmind/jack.php

[Blackkat]

Scary!

What's more scary than JtR???

[Steve]

Warning ....

.... for travellers.

[Mike Covell]

This one came from my friend Josephine and had me in stitches, they say laughter is the best medicine right!!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so
> priceless And so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it
> is today!
>
>
> A lady died this past January, and MBNA bank billed her for February and
> March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and Then
> added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance that had
> been
> £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.
>
> A family member placed a call to the MBNA Bank:
>
> Family Member:
> 'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'
>
> MBNA:
> 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
> apply.'
>
> Family Member:
> 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
>
> MBNA:
> 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
>
> Family Member:
> So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
>
> MBNA:
> 'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to The
> credit bureau, maybe both!'
>
> Family Member:
> 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
>
> MBNA:
> 'Excuse me?'
>
> Family Member:
> 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her Being
> dead?'
>
> MBNA:
> 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
>
> Supervisor gets on the phone:
> Family Member:
> 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'
>
> MBNA:
> 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
> apply.'
>
> Family Member:
> 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
>
> MBNA:
> (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
>
> Family Member:
> 'No, I'm her great nephew.'
> (Lawyer info given)
>
> MBNA:
> 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
>
> Family Member:
> 'Sure.'
> ( fax number is given )
>
> After they get the fax:
>
> MBNA:
> 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I Can do
> to help.'
>
> Family Member:
> 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
> Her. I don't think she will care.'
>
> MBNA:
> 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'
>
> Family Member:
> 'Would you like her new billing address?'
>
> MBNA:
> 'That might help.'
>
> Family Member:
> ' Glasnevin Cemetry, Finglas Road , Dublin 11, Ireland , Plot Number
> 1049.'
>
> MBNA:
> 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
>
> Family Member:
> 'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'