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  #11  
Old 05-24-2016, 10:30 AM
Hercule Poirot Hercule Poirot is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DAH1968 View Post
Hi Robert and Hercule,

Just wanted to say a big THANK YOU for your kind words and input. There are a couple of things I have since addressed that cover a some of the points you both mentioned, and there are a few things that are resolved as the plot builds and grows from episode to episode.

One question for you gents? Were you compelled and intrigued enough to read more? I mean, you're more than welcome if so, there's twelve parts of this beast! But as it stood, did it interest you enough to think 'Oh, I'd like to watch that/read more of it'?

Very best wishes and thanks again,
Darren.
Hi Darren

Compelled, not to sure, but intrigued to a point I'd like to see how the plot moves on, the obstacles Dyson will have to overcome, the eventual visual description of the murder territory.

Why? For three basic reasons:
1. I'm a Victorian era freak,
2. Novelists tend to stay updated on the manner the JTR is treated by other writers allowing them to compare the 'new' project with their own project and avoid redundance,
3. Every aspect of novel writing techniques, structure, character definition and evolution, handling of plot, phraseology, vocabulary.

Regarding the two later elements, phraseology and vocabulary, I became aware my English was basically the American language. Since my novel covers the British late-victorian era, I felt the need to read as much 19th century British novels as possible in order to write as they would have.

Cheers,
Hercule Poirot
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  #12  
Old 05-24-2016, 01:08 PM
DAH1968 DAH1968 is offline
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Hi Hercule,

Well I'm more than happy to share a couple more episodes if your interested, completely up to you. I can ever mail or post them here.

Cheers,
Darren.
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  #13  
Old 05-24-2016, 03:54 PM
Hercule Poirot Hercule Poirot is offline
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Originally Posted by DAH1968 View Post
Hi Hercule,

Well I'm more than happy to share a couple more episodes if your interested, completely up to you. I can ever mail or post them here.

Cheers,
Darren.
An email would be the best option. It wold allow you to protect your copyright. I would easily sign a non-disclosure agreement to provide you with the maximum protection you would require. In exchange, I could send you a couple of chapters of my novel project.
Cheers
Hercule Poirot
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  #14  
Old 05-25-2016, 03:50 AM
DAH1968 DAH1968 is offline
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That would be great -- I'd love to read some of your chapters! Can you just post email addresses here, or is there some rule against it? Oh, what the hell! darrenhowell@me.com
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  #15  
Old 05-26-2016, 08:40 AM
Robert St Devil Robert St Devil is offline
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Default Compelled

Quote:
Originally Posted by DAH1968 View Post
Hi Robert and Hercule,

Just wanted to say a big THANK YOU for your kind words and input. There are a couple of things I have since addressed that cover a some of the points you both mentioned, and there are a few things that are resolved as the plot builds and grows from episode to episode.

One question for you gents? Were you compelled and intrigued enough to read more? I mean, you're more than welcome if so, there's twelve parts of this beast! But as it stood, did it interest you enough to think 'Oh, I'd like to watch that/read more of it'?

Very best wishes and thanks again,
Darren.

Compelled? Yes, most definitely. Your script has pace, darren, and there are some visuals that I haven't been able to shake out of my mind since I first read it. Changing London from a bird's eye view during the time travel is excellent because it's basically saying, "I am immersing you in London88." That was why I wanted more of a feel for Whitechapel when Dyson arrives. Also, you could pick up on the modularity of the Englishman during this era, amplifying why it may have been so difficult to apprehend him - the commonality of facial and dress appearances. Every smart alec thought he could catch Jack the Ripper until they actually stepped foot in the East End, not so easy. Everywhere Dyson may look are crowds of black hats and cutaway jackets, and rows of back alleys off of back alleys. And, a good opportunity to highlight the fabulous biker-moustache fashions of that era. It may be something to have Dyson arrive as a violent row between two men is spilling out of the Ten Bells while an approaching, aging, (possibly drunk!) constable 'frank drebins' it - "Move along. Nothing to see here." Another insinuation as to why the Whitechapel murderer may have never been caught, and under-highlighting why Adderline was probably an officer ahead of his time. A chance to bring out the brutal sailor-like language that was expected to come out of the women on the street, like when Frances Cole tells the man to "Mind your own business!'" when he asks her to leave. (That was obviously the response J Best expected.)

I think you are doing yourself a disservice by skipping over Annie Chapman's murder. Opening on Polly Nicholl's murder is a masterstroke, but it's Annie's murder that, IMO, makes 'the story' salacious. Up until that point, the murders were more crimes of the blotter report type. Uncommon for that era, true; but mostly the type where you were expecting to read in The Times about an eventual apprehension of some loon who had gone on a bender. Chapman's murder put Whitechapel on notice that a monster was on the loose in their midst; it brings the horror to the case, and provides the doubt & desperation that Jack the Ripper may never be caught.
But also because... you miss some of the best lines of 'the story' by murdering Elizabeth off so fast. There is real drama of the comedic type when J Best confront "Jack the Ripper" & Elizabeth(if it is indeed him) when he tells her: "You have Leather Apron around your waist." {of course, you would have to fudge history here a bit , and change it to "You have Saucy Jack around your waist" bc you wouldn't want to confuse the audience with different serial killer names}. However, you are missing out on an even better line a little later. It's possible Jack the Ripper had loads of charisma and wit, so it's a shame not to place this line somewhere in the dialogue: "You'd say anything but your prayers." That line is simply diabolical, especially if it's spoken with a grin.

I would try to avoid exposition as much as possible, less you have all of your characters becoming talking heads of the reporter type. Dyson has his flaws which is good; and as long as he doesn't win every exchange, I'm better with him. He has to have his foils too. Khan could be his foil - a calm, collected, suave type who can turn on a witty impudence towards authority at the drop of a hat, a quality that gets under Dyson's skin. This could obviously lead to the interrogation room cliché of Khan's lawyer complaining to Dyson's superior that Dyson's questioning is out of line, and Dyson's superior reprimanding Dyson for losing his temper - all while Khan sits back, grinning and maybe flashes a smirking wink at Dyson, sending him over the top. You have to give the actor's something to bite onto.

I've also thought about the Sara character. Not to rewrite everything, but I like the idea of the actress portraying her ALSO portraying Mary Jane Kelly. It could link the two timelines, and indirectly provide character development; so when Dyson comes back to the present, we haven't abandoned an entire cast. Have you considered making Sara a reformed prostitute that Dyson may have helped out and sees from time to time, a "man of the street" character?

I would like to read Episode 3 next. I like the 13-part series because I never watch television, and if I did, it would probably only be about 13 episodes. If there is a formula for the 13-part series, Episode 3 should be the episode that would be the cinematic one, the one that could be shown in a movie theatre. Also, by jumping ahead, I could see if your story is keeping continuity, is the show sensible to anybody who may have missed Ep1 and 2.

- - - - - - - - -

If it was me:

Ep1 - Nicholls murder, Dyson intro, time travel, Mary Jane Kelly intro
Ep2 - Baxter's Polly Nicholl inquest (courtroom drama), Adderline intro, dramatic scene of Wm. Nicholls and her father/his son at the morgue (Ep2 is usually the boring episode, or the one that lulls)
Ep3 - Annie Chapman's murder
Ep4&5 (2-parter) - Stride & Chapman murders ("Good night old ****")
Ep6 - Whitehall torso mystery and/or Mary Jane Kelly murder
Ep7 to 13 - Time travel return, the rest of your story

welltailored007@gmail
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  #16  
Old 05-29-2016, 07:00 PM
DAH1968 DAH1968 is offline
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Hi Robert,

Tried to email you at the address in your reply, but it just bounced right back at me.

Darren.
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  #17  
Old 05-29-2016, 07:03 PM
DAH1968 DAH1968 is offline
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Let me try again...
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  #18  
Old 05-30-2016, 07:22 AM
Robert St Devil Robert St Devil is offline
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Got it. I reread ep1 over the weekend. Ill read them tonite. Thanks.

Robert
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  #19  
Old 05-30-2016, 11:31 AM
Robert St Devil Robert St Devil is offline
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Just read Episode 2. Man, does it ever ,,pick up,,! After rereading Ep1, i,m finally on-board with the story you are trying to tell. I thought it was a historical at first, but now i ,get, how you are using the major characters. So you can eliminate some of my prior notes.

The dialogue has gotten better from Ep1. I like that you,ve added some comedic elements, a good way of engaging the audience. The part about> Dyson: I,m looking for a man... Woman: So am I. < He,s lost a lot of qualities that annoyed me in Ep1, and he,s more approachable. Also, enjoyed the line ,,follow that cab,,. Not expecting it to ever be used on hansoms, but it works.

You might consider reaching out to DJA. I haven,t seen him on the board much lately, but he,s looking for someone who can write a script along the lines of The Departed, which seems like something you can handle.

Ill email you my suggestions. After reading Hercule Poirots comment about non-disclosures, i don,t want to create any ,,sticky dave,, situations.

Still, i,m finding it an addictive read. After a decade of vampires and zombies, about time the supernatural villain be the divil himself

St. Devil
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  #20  
Old 05-31-2016, 07:24 AM
DAH1968 DAH1968 is offline
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Thank you, Sir Robert.
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