This could be in bad taste.

[Mort Belfry]

The Astrakhan Man
sung in style of 'The Candyman Can'

I just killed a prossie,
Ripped ‘er up a treat.
Took out all her organs and left them at her feet.
I’m a psychopath!
With a psychopath’s wrath!
With a psychopath’s wrath you can butcher all you like and smile when you’re done.

List’ning to the inquest,
It appears that I’ve been seen.
Standing outside Crossingham’s looking real keen.
I need an alibi!
And a shady fall-guy!
I need a shady fall-guy to take all my blame and make it go away.

I’ll have to make him a toff,
Sprinkle him with Jew.
Cover him with spats and a buckle or two.
Mr Astrakhan!
Yes, the Astrakhan Man!
The Astrakhan Man will conform to standards set by the media.

Mr Astrakhan takes,
All of my mistakes,
And victimises an ethnicity.
All Jews with a history of hostility,
Will be suspects if they’re in the vicinity.

I just got off Scott-free,
And what did I learn?
To blame a funny Jew when I have me funny turns.
Mr Astrakhan!
Yes, my Astrakhan Man!
My Astrakhan Man saved me from the gallows and my future looks good...

...my future looks good, because my Astrakhan Man...

...thinks it should.

*whistles*

[Ben]

Nice one, Mort, and pursuant to the Willy Wonka theme, think of the aptly named Pure Imagination:

Listen, guys
Buy my lies
They're a stream of total fabrication
I will dupe the entire British nation.

I'll confuse
With ruse
Using Jews of my imagination

Though this may end my spree
They are not suspecting...me.

[Ben]

With ruse

With a ruse.

Must get the meter right.

[caz]

I just got off Scott-free,
And what did I learn?
To blame a funny Jew when I have me funny turns.
Mr Astrakhan!
Yes, my Astrakhan Man!
My Astrakhan Man saved me from the gallows and my future looks good...

...my future looks good, because my Astrakhan Man...

...thinks it should.

*whistles*

There's always one who quietly lurks
To put a spanner in the works:
How could his future look that bright?
His 'funny turns' had to stop that night!

(And you know what they say about serial killers: they think one funny turn deserves another - and another - and another - well you get the drift)

Love,

Caz
X

[Mort Belfry]

Could we perhaps do an entire musical then?

...I got a golden ticket,
And I'm not Walter Sickert...

[Ben]

Altogether now:

Oompa Loompa, doompadee doo
I've got a bullshit statement for you...

[caz]

Excuse me if I can't join in your refrain, Ben. I just don't have the talent.

[Ben]

No worries, Caz, I'm right on it...

Oompa-Loompa Doompa dah-dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me

What happens next when your mind's in a mess?
You're seen at the crime by a nosey laundress.
Slightly distressed
At the Eddowes inquest
Wasn't a sighting...just...supp...ressed?

Should have worn a wideawake.

Oompa Loompa Doompadee dah
Feed the cops nonsense, and you'll go far.
You will live at liberty too
And escape a world of doompadee-poo

Doompadee poo.

[caz]

You sure you didn't help write the diary, Ben?

[smezenen]

When is the movie coming out Ben?

[Ben]

Very soon, Smez!

Just waiting on Caz. The role of Veruca Salt is hers if she wants it.

[Mort Belfry]

I dont think your piece is done in bad taste.

Neither do I, I just gave it that title to get noticed.